my Sanctuary


Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

Free and Yet Not

This life is a funny thing.  Even now, I know that I’m only unowned because my Master has said that I can be; however, it would only take Him showing up…telling me that this little stint is over and it’s time to come home for me to do exactly that.  Some things there is no freedom from and for me this is one.  No matter where my life takes me or how things change some things are eternal.  This freedom that I have been granted now is only at His choosing…whether He knows that or not…or whether He exercises His choice on telling me to end this nonsense.

Although, what is happening now and what happened before was and is far from nonsense, my heart and soul still call to Him.  Wanting, needing and pleading for the life that I crave and see with every ounce of my being.  Did I want to be released…no; unfortunately at this time I needed to be.  And fortunately, I had a Master who understood this.

I am doing well, and I’m thankful for this time that I’m being given, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that things were different.  I do.  There are days when I wish He would come in the door, walk up to me, put His hand around the back of my neck with His thumb over my jugular, and tell me that enough is enough.  That He would take me into the bedroom and spank me, beat me until tears are following…until all the pent up emotions and hurts are eased in that cathartic and bonding moments.  To fall into Him, as He wipes the hurt and tears away, and then to laugh and play once again, that’s something that is still just in my dreams.  But it doesn’t end the longing to be His, to be complete, to be pleasing, to be of use *not be used…BIG difference*.

It’s kind of scary to know that I have given someone power over me like that, but I did, and I have.  To know that all it would take is one simple action or word, and things would be back to the way they were.  Hopefully, things will never be like they were, but better with us both having a better understanding of each other, a stronger friendship, a deeper foundation…and much much better communication. 

I know one day everything will come back together, and I know that right now is not that time.  Even if my fantasies might be telling me different, this is the time for me to find my feet.  It may seem odd that the best thing that He could do for me was let me go…but in reality, that may have been exactly what I needed. 

I have been granted this time to work upon myself…to better myself.  To build myself a strong foundation that in the end I know will benefit Him.  Right now, I can’t/couldn’t handle the pressure of being His.  Constantly feeling as though I was failing at every turn, when in truth, I was only failing myself.  But I was getting myself in such a state that it was detrimental to me and to my value as His slave.

I have been working hard upon myself.  Utilizing this time as best as I can so that this time is as productive as possible and so that I can get back to where I know I belong.  I have been exercising like a madwoman, but I started slowly have built my way up.  Today, I actually walked 8 miles, yes, that’s right eight miles.  I am hoping to walk 10 miles tomorrow and stay with 10 for awhile. 

Things are looking up.  I’m starting new projects; projects that will ultimately blend well for when things do get back on track.  There are still some things that I want to learn how to make. And there are some other situations that I have to work through still.  It’s still not a walk in the park, but every day brings me closer to having things together; myself together.  I am getting stronger every day, and that can only be a good thing.


Little Kajira said...

wow.. *hugs* this made me want to cry, and smile. You're a strong woman. I can identify with a lot of what you have gave me the chills..

I'm struggling right now...with my behavior and my thoughts..and actions, trying so hard to learn how to change, to be who I know I am..and I, too, am making progress..

I'm more of a blog "stalker" than commenter, insecurity issues i guess, but I felt i needed to comment on this..

I am further inspired now, thank you.

Keep up the good work! :)

aislinn said...

oh, comment away, i love them. :)

And it's hard, very very hard. There arent words to express just how difficult it can be sometimes. Right now, i HAVE to focus on me...really i got to the point where i had too. And although i know my Master would have let me do that while still being mind wouldnt let me.

i would start feeling like i was being a failure for focusing upon myself when i should be focused on Him. i would be frustrated that i was having as many problems as i was. i was frustrated with Him for not being able to help me.

Sometimes the only thing you see is a brickwall in front of you and you are just watching yourself smack into it...without knowing just what the tools are to break through.

Little Kajira said...

i commend you for being so strong..i'm not sure i would be..or could be..i can't imagine what you have gone through..

this is a subject i often wonder about..after reading experiences on other sites and such..

i don't even know what i'm trying to say, lol..i have no thoughts of being released by my Master, but i still wonder..

don't mind me, i'm so tired. ;)

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