my Sanctuary

welcome

Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

Service Drop?



Is there a service drop?  We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub.  Do they experience a drop as well?  To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking.  Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see.  It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life.  After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking.  I knew it was something that would benefit Him.  It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires.  **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in.  Why was I still thinking as His slave would?  Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can?  I’m not His anymore.  Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things?  *and I started to crash and crash hard*  I was feeling pathetic and worthless.  **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**
I started feeling worthless and used.  Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene.  *click* And I started thinking.  So what about that?  After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay.  But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays?  And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay.  You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop.  I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced.  But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from.  It didn’t make sense to have such reactions.  And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master.  We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around.  I love this lifestyle.  The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am.  Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so.  If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this.  It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.

I Am Safe in the Universe, and ALL Life Loves and Supports Me



I breathe in the fullness and richness of Life. I observe with joy as Life abundantly supports me and supplies me with more good than I can imagine. ~Louise L. Hay

Today was one of those days where I could feel the abundance of life around me.  The positive energy was infectious.  I could feel the world bringing me everything that I needed.  And wow, did I need energy!  I am back to doing my walks which I enjoy greatly.  They bring me in tune with myself and the world around me.  Oddly, it’s my quiet time.  It’s the time that I take for myself to re-center and get in touch with the world around me.

I need that time to sort out things.  It’s this time that I use to gather up the strength to get myself through the day.  Sometimes, one of my kids walks with me.  When it’s my oldest we talk of issues he may be having at school and how to be a better citizen and person.  The differences between good friends and bad, and other life lessons.  He makes me so proud.  When it’s the youngest well, I just cant help but laugh at his antics.  He is a force unto himself and thank god there is only one of him in the world.  But He amazes me everyday.

It’s on these walks that I see just how blessed my life really is.  I have all that I need and there is a richness that surrounds me.  I have the love of friends and family *granted my family is just my boys*, but I couldn’t ask for a better one.  I still long for someone to share parts of my life with, but it’s a true sharing of life that I want.  To be a part of their life as they are a part of mine.  I don’t do exclusion well.  Actually, it’s very detrimental to me…I am sure it comes from my past and how I was raised, as I was always separated from the family in one fashion or another.  I got to watch while others lived and it kills me to do that anymore. 

I know there is greatness within me, still waiting for the right person to help work with me to direct it.  One day that will happen, but until then I shall enjoy every moment that life brings me.

Steps to Happiness



Steps to Happiness

You can’t be all things to all people.
You can’t do all things at once.
You can’t do all things equally well.
You can’t do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s

So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of “being you”.

Then:
You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare to Believe:
That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a one-in-all-history event.
That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.
That life’s not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

I Experience Love Whereever I Go



Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable.  Loving people fill my life, and I find myself easily expressing love to other. ~Louise L. Hay

Well, anyone that truly knows me knows that I love people.  I cant help but love people.  It’s in my nature to be open to the love that surrounds me.  I’m not afraid to love.  I do it easily.  I’m afraid not to love, because without love…what are you?  It’s love that makes us compassionate, empathic, and it’s love that’s a driving force in our character.

I had always thought that everyone was like me. But I have found that is not the case.  There are people who have forgotten how to love or they are so guarded they are unable to let themselves be loved or give love in return.  To be honest, it’s something that I don’t understand.  Similar, to how I was not able to understand spanking, paddling, whippings and the like until it was something I experienced.  I’ll admit that cutting myself off from love is not something I want to do.  It’s something that I don’t think will make me a better person.  One of the biggest things that makes me me..is my ablitity to love people.  I like that about myself, even when it means that I get hurt and hurt often…I wouldn’t trade it for not being able to see the love and feel the love for people that I do.

There are people who are scared by me and my ability to love.  Another thing I sort of understand.  It can be unnerving when dealing with one such as myself.  Worried that I will feel more for them than I will, or that I want more from them because they feel that I’m “in” love…and not just love them as the person they are.  Admittedly, love is a confusing emotion, but in my case it’s part of my being.  I have to love people.  I like being close to them.  There are few things that are more thrilling to me than to have a group of friends together where I can freely express the love that I have for the people there, be it with hugs and kisses or something just a tad bit more.  Okay, really, gotta admit, I love to flirt to.  But, it’s this capacity to love that is something that I cherish about myself. 

Do I get hurt more often because of this characteristic? Yes, I do.  But I would rather get hurt than never know the thrilling heights that one can reach when they open themselves up to the love of the universe.  The energy and the power is awe inspiring.

I See Clearly



I willingly forgive.  I breathe love into my vision, and I see with compassion and understanding.  My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight. ~Louise L. Hay

Sometimes, we want to rail against someone.  Whether for perceived wrongs or justified ones; it’s human nature to want to defend oneself.  I think that’s why they say that to forgive is divine.  Sometimes it’s something easier said than done.  But if you truly take a step back and look, you can find that compassion within your heart and understand, and once that understanding fills your heart you can forgive.

If you look for the beauty in people and let that stay the vision of them then you will look on the world with joy in your heart.  That’s not to say there still won’t be issues, far from it.  When two people look at the world differently…there truly are two visions of the world…from the biggest change…to the smallest of conversations.  No two people experience the same thing the same way.  It all depends on the people involved and how they choose to view things.

Yes, how you view things is a choice and one personal to the one viewing them.  I certainly know that there is at least one person that every time I leave an interaction where there was some laughter…maybe even tears…I feel that it was an overall positive conversation…only to later find that the other one didn’t view it that way.  It’s frustrating, but that’s just the difference on how we view things and the things within the conversation that we choose to remember.

I choose to remember the more positive aspects of the conversation…even if it’s only a small grain to hold to…it’s that..i will remember.  That she is happy and well. That’s a good thing.  Moving forward and growing, that’s all we can hope for and strive for…everyday.  And honestly, I think that I would like to think of it as a positive experience. 

Careful How You View Others



Persistently viewing others as dishonest, lazy, sinful, and ignorant can be a way of compensating for something you fear.  If there’s a pattern of seeing others as failures, you need to notice this pattern as evidence of what you’re attracting into your life. ~Dr. Dwayne Dyer

It truly amazes me how often people will look for the bad in others rather than the good.  I have watched as someone has looked for and found every perceivable flaw.  The end result only bringing drama and trials to their life when it wasn’t necessary.  And I’ve noticed that the patterns do in fact model their lives as well.  The exact same thing that they point out in others…is something that they themselves DO.

I think of all the wasted energy and it almost makes me want to pull all my hair out.  I know how much better and less stressful it is…to not always look for the bad in people.  Is this na├»ve? Maybe, maybe not, but it also puts me in tune with life.  I don’t have the barriers to experience the good things in life…unfortunately; I don’t have the barriers to keep out the bad either.  But the good outweighs the bad, and I’ve noticed that having those barriers up only increases the negative experiences.

Watch how you view people, if you are consistently viewing people in a negative light, you could be bringing more heartache and stress into your life than necessary.  Lighten up…live…laugh…love.  Life is meant to be lived with a full heart.  Not shrouded in the negativity of fear.

I Love and Approve of Myself



I appreciate all that I do. I am good enough just as I am. I speak up for myself.  I ask for what I want. I claim my power. ~Louise L. Hay

I have had a hard time speaking up for myself with those that are closest to me.  I am working on changing that…learning to find my voice and ability to express those things.  It hasn’t been an easy thing to learn.  It’s something that I have to work on every day. 

It was hard to find that I am good enough as I am…but if I take a step back from myself I find that...i am good enough as I am.  Not that I cant improve things…because I can.  However, I am a good and wonderful person.  I work hard for my family and friends.  I try to bring joy into the lives of those I know.

I’m still not the best at asking for what I want…hell, I can still barely ask for what I need. But I’m slowly getting a better understanding of just what that is. With this better understanding of what my needs are I can best tell others what my needs and wants really are.  Hopefully, in the future it will help me develop a stable and long lasting relationship.

A Very Productive Day



I have taken another step forward today.  I worked on some projects with the bells, opened an etsy store, and made some banners, over all I would say that I had a very productive day.  I also snuck in some time to help a friend with His site too.  I’m pretty pleased with the way things have gone today.

I’ve be talking and trying to help people where I can; it’s only right after all the help that others have been to me that I give back some of myself.  Not that it’s easy, it’s a challenge to help and yet not get in the way.  It should be, I should feel comfortable helping in any and every way I can; however, it seems the more I help the more that I’m being blocked from doing so.  But I carry on, and do what I can when I can.

Service is honestly at the heart of who I am.  Those feelings, wants, needs and desires don’t just go away.  In fact they grow and intensify.  This time though, I want to keep myself instead of losing myself into the darkness like last time.  Hopefully, I have learned how to make it so that doesn’t happen.

Why So Negative



How do you want to present yourself?  I’ve been reading a lot on a social site.  I haven’t decided yet if I really want to participate or not.  Mostly from what I read, it’s a place to just dog on other people.  Maybe a way for someone to get their point across to others in a ‘public’ venue and thus a passive aggressive way of dealing with frustrations and hurts, the result is making the place an uninviting place where most are just putting themselves up as elitists and I’m better than anyone else.  Contrary to what some make think…reading about and replying to other people’s bitches is not how I want to spend my time.  There is a lot to be said for “if you cant say something nice don’t say it at all”.

I do have good friends on the site and I would love to interact with them more there, but I have a hard time wanting to open up my life somewhere I feel has a negative atmosphere. I realize life is not always happy and good, but it doesn’t always have to be some combative and challenging either. 

There are people I just don’t enjoy talking to..doesnt mean that I don’t like them…just talking to them is difficult.  Somehow they can twist words and actions around to the WORST thing possible.  Making a simple conversation into something more, and making every conversation a battle of what do I say and what don’t I say.  It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation.  It’s exhausting.  It drains all your positive energy and so I do my best to interact with these people as little as possible.

What drives me nuts is that they don’t see what they are doing.  They don’t see the weight and extra hardships that they put on their interactions with people close to them.  I have friends that hang around these draining people.  I can see the impact they have on my friends.  It’s hard to watch but there isn’t a lot that I can do about it…other than limit my time with them when they are around these people.

So anyway, my choice for now is to hang back and watch the site from a distance.  Hopefully, the feel and attitude of the site will change and I will feel more welcome in participating.  For now, it has a feel that I’m just not comfortable with.

One Step Closer To Living



I am so very fortunate and grateful for the friends that I have.  You are all truly the blessings in my life.  So many of you have been holding my hand lately and helping me walk the path that I’m on.  Every day, I’m learning and growing thanks to you.  I’m stronger each day that I awaken because of the strength that you give me.  You believe in me when I’m not sure I believe in myself, you push when I need to be pushed and hug when I need a hug.  You encourage me in so many ways I can only hope that one day I will be able to help you as much as you have helped me.

The Jewels site is doing well.  It’s slowed down from that frantic pace that was the beginning and now I think it’s growing slowly yet steadily.  Thanks to the support of friends…there’s now a banner for it as well as links that are slowly spreading across the web.

On the personal front, there have been steps away and steps closer.  It’s terrifying to open myself up again but life goes on.  I can only hope that I have learned from the past enough that the same mistakes won’t be mad this time.  I am welcoming the peace that’s come into my life.  And I can see the chaos that still reigns in the one I left.  I’m so very thankful that I have distanced myself from that.  Some things never do change and separating yourself from it is the only thing that you can do.  It’s hard as part of me wants to be so close but I know the pain that lies there.  And now, someone is helping me move past that as well.  But it’s still hard…every day is hard.  Emotions don’t just turn off; the desire to serve doesn’t just turn off…I CANT change who I am at the core of my being.

I Think I'm Still A Little Lost



Well, things continue to more forward for me.  The bells are going well, and giving me a sense of purpose.  I’m having a few issues with other things.  A confusion that I don’t like, I feel like I’m continuing to be played and toyed with in a not so good way.  It’s frustrating to have so much faith in someone but think ultimately you are just being played.  I try to suppress those thoughts and feelings as they are really not productive.  I can only move forward.  One step at a time, telling yourself that tomorrow will be better. 

One day there is hope the next it gets crushed.  But such is life, one door opens and another closes.  It’s the revolving doors that drive me crazy.  Sometimes, I feel stuck in one.  I think in some areas I’m still very lost and very confused.

What Do You Mean I'm a Pain Slut!



What do you mean I’m more of a pain slut that you thought?  I couldn’t believe my ears when I was told that I was a pain slut.  That’s a title that I never thought would EVER in a million years apply to me.  But guess what…I think He was right.  I really think He was after I went and saw the results of last night’s play in the mirror under good lighting.  WOW, I cant believe I took that…and wanted more, much much more.

Last night was my first foray into the local dungeon, The Shed, and wow, what and experience it was.  I cant even explain what a good time I had and just how much I want to go back.  Looking in the mirror, my ass had a good time to.  It was SOO wonderful to meet all the people that I have talked to for so long or just have known by reputation.  I’m sure some are glad to have met the bubbly happy me…yes, I’m pretty much like I am online.  Although I will say that I did refrain myself from hugging everyone…I’m not sure how long that will hold out for though.   I’m a hugger I cant help it and when I’m really happy, and oh yes I was very happy, I just love to huggle most anyone and everyone.  And as I get to know people more…well the hugs come out more.

Last night was such an experience, I don’t even know where to begin.  Well, I like whips…that’s up there…almost as much as thuddy floggers…and omg, the nerf baseball bat..it may be nerf but it packs a deep thuddy punch.  Oh yes and the electric fly swatter…while interesting…not a good idea inside a cage…4 hits almost at once…bit much.  Now, I’ll be honest **yes that self preservation filter isn’t fully back yet** and say that I could see that being more fun…spaced out a bit more.  **think I may end up regretting saying that but oh well.

I can no longer say that I’ve never really bruised anymore cause…DAMN.  WOW, yes now I know why those darn chairs at Denny’s hurt so much and why every time we hit a bump on the way home…HELLO!  But I have to say, I’m so proud of myself.  I went from being scared to death of anything ouchie, to being called a pain slut. WOW, talk about progress.