my Sanctuary

welcome

Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

I Am At Peace



Divine peace and harmony dwell in me. I feel tolerance, compassion, and love for all people myself included.

One of the things that I’ve realized over the last few days is that I really am at peace with where I’m at and what I’m doing.  A flow and rhythm has grown into my life and it pulses with positive energy.  I still stumble on letting go of negative things and influences; however, I gotten a little be better at that.  Releasing friendships that just were not positive and not indulging people in their fantasies.  That was hard as I truly do like to help people, but you can only help those that want to help themselves and if they are still unwilling to let go of their delusions it’s best to just let them go.

I had a situation earlier in the week where I had learned a few things, and there was that “I told you so” part of me that wanted to throw it all out in the open.  However as I looked closer at the situation, I saw that doing so would not be an “I told you so moment” but something that would utterly erode the foundation upon this person had built their world around.  Now, I’m all for showing someone reality, but utterly destroying something that they felt was solid is not something that I want to do, especially, if they are not equipped to face reality.  I made the choice to not divulge things, but to let that friendship go.  While I can’t continue to support them in that illusion, I don’t need to hurt them either.  It was a tough call, not so much the “I told you so part” really that was childish…but, watching someone fall for things they feel are real is tough.

I think it was the peace in my own life that made it easier to just let it go.  If someone is not ready to face the realities of the world, they just aren’t ready.  Because watching it is frustrating for me, I’ve taken the backseat in a lot of things lately.  I’ve let go of a few friendships, not so much because I didn’t like them, but because they raised reactions in me that were not positive.  *One was constantly being harsh on the help and assistance that battered women get as opposed to battered men…the anger and bitter way that things were expressed, just raised my hackles up.  It was another instance where for the peace in my life, it was a friendship that I let go of, not because of the value of the person. He is a very good person, just not the kind of friendship that I need.

After eliminating some of the things that just blocked me, both mentally, emotionally and even physically this peace has filled my life and soul.  Being at peace, takes work as all good things do; however, once you have found those keys to your own peace…you will be able to look around and say…WOW, my life is SO wonderful and I am truly blessed to be living it.






 

My Life Works Beautifully


Everything in my Life works, now and forevermore.

So often i watch the piece of my life scatter and then come back together and every time i'm amazed at watching life work. HOW does it do that? Fear, pain, heartache...all mix and i feel as though my life is a total shambles and then a spark a light, and i see it all spin together and back into the light. This brilliant mix of joy flows from the center and yet, i'm not quite sure how it got there.

Life is such an interesting thing to sit and watch the simplest of things turn into some of the most powerful forces the Earth creates. The tapestries of life are amazing to behold and a wonder to witness.

I always call my life joyful chaos...my kids just laugh and say it's all random, yet somehow it all comes together. Laughter fills my home *usually at my expense* and it's those quiet moments that everything slows, and i see the wonder that my life has become.

Hey Jude


Okay so i took one of the quizzes on facebook.  I couldnt help it.  It was which Beatles song are you? well, guess what:

You're "Hey Jude". Your all about making life a bit more brighter, no matter what has happened before. Unfortunately, you're a hopeless romantic, and most of your time is spent getting over loved ones. When your life is a train wreck, your friends cheer you up, help you see the brighter side, and help you to get back on your feet and back into the game. "Hey jude, dont make it bad, take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better."

I have to say, it pretty much nailed it on the head.  Well, i wouldnt say i'm a "hopeless romantic" but i dont give up easy on things.  And i do believe that one day things will turn around in the right direction.  Now, if someone happens to have the damn map to the right direction; i know i could surely use it.

i do happen to be a HUGE Beatles fan and Hey Jude is one of my favorites. So i have to say that i'm most pleased with the result of my quiz.



ENJOY!

Taking a Break


i think i'm going to be taking a hiatus from posting for awhile.  i dont know for how long, just until i feel comfortable doing so.  No matter what i do, it always seems to ruffle feathers and really, i know i'm not the root cause, but just someone to blame.  However, that doesnt stop me from getting it from both sides.  Try to just focus on the happy parts but some dont want to remember.

i'll still be working on making the slave bells.  i have new products in and that is going well.  You can find them here: Aislinn's Erotic Jewels.

I'll still be on plurk occasionally, An Owned Life mostly just hanging out and chatting with a few on the chat bar, and i'll be on facebook from time to time.

Live in the NOW!



This is a new day, one that I have never lived before. I stay in the Now and enjoy each and every moment. ~Louise L. Hay

The past is something that can’t be changed.  Regrets, hurts, pains, and wrongs done are things that can’t be fixed.  Dwelling on those things can affect your present and your future.  The past is over, every day is a new day to grow, change and blossom into the better person that one is destined to be.

The present is the only thing that we have any control over.  The things that we do from second to second, that writes the story of our lives.  One can stay focused on the past; however, they lose sight of all that’s in the present.  Each day holds a beauty that will never be again.  It exists but at that one moment.  The breeze, smell, and energy of life flows forward, and so must we. 

No one knows that the future may hold, not the next year, month, week, day or even minute.  The only thing that’s known is NOW.  Right here, right now…that is what’s real.  The past is gone; the future has yet to happen.  Now is the time to learn, grow, and experience all the things that life has to offer. 

Life’s energy is in the NOW.  Have you embraced that energy today?  Have you utilized it to improve the life that you now live?  There is no change in the past, and it’s only in the NOW that we can build ourselves up for the destiny that we were meant for.

Still Not There Yet, Still Room to Grow



It’s been an interesting few days to say the least, a lot that is not good, but thankfully there are bright sides so I’ll focus on those.  I’m still moving forward in my life.  But a few road blocks have been it, but that’s life…go around or break them down and move on.  I think that’s what I’ve focused on now.  Putting one foot in front of the other, but cant help but wonder if something permanent transpired or just another temporary setback.  Okay enough of the negative, it’s past actions and I cant do anything about them, but learn and move forward.

On the positives, well, I went back to focusing on the things that I need to do, and so I started making more slave bells again.  And low and behold, but I sold 2 of them in one day.  It was wonderful to wake up that morning to see that one was sold, it was an emotional boost that I needed.  Then later the same day I finished and posted another anklet and it wasn’t up more than 15 mins before it was sold.  I was shocked and amazed as well as extremely greatful.

I have started working with wire work on the anklets, it takes a LOT longer to make one but I like the end result.  It’s like nothing I have seen in dancing/slave bells and it looks very delicate.  Over all I’m very pleased with them, although I’m probably not charging enough for the amount of time it takes to make them.  But such is life.

The other positive I have going on is that I have my body in a state of ketosis.  I monitor it closely as to not let my ketones get too high, but it means that my body is burning fat…YIPEE!!  I have been steadily losing weight now for about 2 weeks and I’m very excited.  I need to continue this and stick with it.  I know it will work.  I just need to maintain focus and determination.  I CAN do this, and I will.

All in all I’m surviving at this point and trying to avoid any emotional triggers.  I had one breakdown earlier this week and I don’t want another.  The only way to change perception is to change myself…transform it and make it new.   

How Others View Me



Working on taking an honest look at things, and one of those is how people view me.  I am amazed at the spectrum of opinions there are and it got me to wondering why.  Is it solely their perceptions from past experiences with others, is it truly me, is it their choice to see the negative, or do those bringing out the negativity within me?  And then I also look at the amount of time that I spend interacting with these individuals, and how often they have been positive uplifting experience and how many have been challenging.  Do they take the time to truly get to know me…in an open and honest manner, or always waiting for me to make a mistake?

I was joking around with one of my friends a few weeks ago, when out of the blue she said “you’re such a cutie” and I sort of flippantly answered “yeah, I know.” She then replied with “But then so are you, sweetie! i think youre one of the most real people in the room, because you dont put on a front, pretend to be anything you arent, & youre always so honest & yet polite & kind. But you dont lay back & let anyone walk on you either. You just pick your battles wisely & calmly. you are always a real lady with dignity & humor & clarity You rarely get sucked into a mindless conflict.” I was floored.  I had known her for a long time.  I was amazed at the impression I had made on her.  It really does wrap up the person that I strive to be.  I have others that say I’m sweet, kind, and giving.  And lol, not all of them are just online, but others that I know real time as well.

I have also been called selfish, hurtful, unkind, and jealous.  These are things that I don’t strive to be.  So why is it that some see this side of me?  They are not characteristics that I try to cultivate.  Is it the time they have spent getting to know me, is it too little or too much? Have they truly tried to find and see who I am, inside and out?  Have they truly tried to get to know me, or just watch for me to be those things because they expect them? 

Honestly, the truth is most likely in the middle.  I can be hotheaded and I can easily be hurt.  I lash out from time to time, and say things that I shouldn’t.  But I also give my heart to most anyone I see in pain.  I want to comfort them and support them.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I am all those characteristics.  I can only hope and pray that my good side may shine brighter than my dark.  And hope that one day, those that don’t see the good parts of me, may one day be able to see it.

Perception



Perception is a funny thing, it can work for you or it can work against.  It’s all in how you choose to look at things.  I’ve been stung by my own perception more times than I would care to count.  But each time reminds me that I need to change my outlook.  No one is responsible for how I perceive things but me.  If I choose to see something negative then that’s my choice to do so.  However, I can also choose to see the positive in things as well.

There are times when it’s difficult to see things positively.  There are so many ways to take things negatively, but the odd thing is that there is just as many positive ways to look at things as well.  I find that when I find myself looking at something negatively that I need to take a step back and try to see if from a different angle.  Sometimes it takes longer to get into a positive mindset about a situation, but it is possible.

It’s a struggle to change your perception on things.   Sometimes even a minute to minute battle.  But with the will and desire to change that perception, it is possible.

Taking A Step Back



I did not have a good day the other day.  I was emotional before I even woke all the way up.  *never a good sign*  It’s actually why I got out of bed in the first place, to start doing things to get distract myself from the thoughts in my head.  My day just continued to get worse.  And at one point I even had a mini-break down.  It was at that time I took a step back.  I took a step back and surrounded myself with people I knew would be able to support me.  And they did, I have the most awesome friends ever, and I love you all.

I wrote…trying to remind myself of the specialness that I have within me and that I can handle and surpass whatever is thrown at me.  It helped but not by a lot.  I wasn’t in a place to deal with much, everything seemed to be coming at me.  Unfiltered emotions running rampant. And so I took that step back from areas that I knew would only trigger things further.  I needed to, I had to, or I would have gone nuts.  I knew I was taking things harder than I should be, and that I would be better the next day.  Recover and adapt seems to be my way. I just needed some time to do that…and I took it.

I did a bit of evaluating on a few areas of my life.  I am still not sure if I found all the answers, but life is not about finding the answers but looking at the questions.  What is life without passion? I’m not sure I ever really want to find out.  I am passionate about many things, and the life that I want to lead is one of them.  I have high ideals for things, that sometimes go against the goals of another.  I get frustrated, I speak out…it’s hard not to when it’s something that you care about.  So, there is another thing I need to step back from and let things develop as they may.  However, the step back does not mean gone, just letting go of certain things.  I put myself out there too much right now, in a time that I should be taking for myself.  To rebuild a life is not an easy task, and sometimes it’s easier to just do something else for someone else.  It’s always easier to help someone else than it is to help myself sometimes.  Okay, most of the time.  I can forget my own hurts and pains and engross myself in the needs of someone else.  Helping them, listening to them, and trying to guide them, it puts my mind at ease, but doesn’t take care of me.  I have no idea why I’m so much better at guiding someone else than I am at guiding myself, but it’s true.

Until I was in a better space in my head, I closed off a few areas in my life, the messenger being one of them.  There were just a few on there that are emotional black holes and I was dealing with an energy hole within myself.  I hate that feeling…that emptiness that seems to suck the life out of everything and yet never gets full.  I like to give positive energy out…I’m at peace being able to lift people up and bring some light to their day.  The dark days are very difficult for me to deal with, I’m learning slowly ways to work with them as no one can be happy and chipper 24/7, but it’s a touch and go thing sometimes.

I want to take a moment to thank my friends who supported me when I was down.  I appreciate it very much.  You held me up, instead of just saying I was feeling sorry for myself…when I’m spinning that only seems to make things worse.  You helped me work through the thoughts in my head by reminding me of all the good things that I do and am.  Sometimes you need to be reminded that you do have a purpose and that you do have value.

Okay I’m going to stop writing before this turns into a novel.  I wish everyone a wonderful day.

I Will Not Fear The Darkness



I am more than the darkness that surrounds me, for I carry a light within.
The light pierces the darkness like a beacon searching
My laughter will echo through the abyss making that light only brighter.
It lights my way back to the sun, to the cleansing rain, and the energizing wind.
I will walk with unfettered steps towards the world in light.
I shall not languish in darkness, for I am too bright.
My light will not be extinguished, for it serves many
Sometimes only in the abyss to we remember how bright our light can shine.
I will not fear the darkness, for it holds no power.
I will shine on
I will persevere
I am heart and soul
I am love and light
These things are me, they are who I am.

You All Amaze Me



I am truly blessed by the friends that I have that include me in their lives.  They amaze me every day.  I am humbled by the things that they do to include and welcome me into their lives.  They have accepted me just as I am.  No restrictions or reservations, they accept all of me. 

This week the littles were gone with the grandparents, and so I had free time.  I am so grateful and humbled by my friends that made sure that I was able to take full advantage of the time.  Events included an unscheduled coffee with everyone that I care so much for, an overnight kidnapping and trip to the nudie beach, some playtime with a good friend full of fun and laughter…and some really hard swats occasionally, topping it all off was the trip to the Shed.  I had such a wonderful and full week and I am blessed by having people that wish and make an effort to include me in their lives.  It truly means the world to me.

Being at the Shed is such a wonderful experience.  It’s a place full of life and energy.  Open and welcoming it’s a place where I am free to be who I am.  i am honored to have been accepted by the people and staff there, it fills my heart with a joy that borders on overwhelming.  The energy there is just amazing, I love receiving it as well as giving my own.  I can’t express how honored I am by those that have taken their time to get to know me and play with me.  You will always have a special place in my heart.  There are just places and times in one’s life that one can think on and your heart just soars at the thought…they have given me that memory and place and I am eternally grateful.  I only wish I was able to visit more often as with every experience I grow and open up more.

I am surrounded by the most wonderful people, and I am blessed to be a part of your lives.  THANK YOU!
Okay on a totally random and fun note….SUPSENSION ROCKS!!!  It’s the most amazing thing.  It made me feel so tiny and it was the most exhilarating experience.  *Still say we need to paint designs of the floor*  I never understood the draw to being suspended, although I love been tied up, but after…I am a new addict.

Service Drop?



Is there a service drop?  We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub.  Do they experience a drop as well?  To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking.  Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see.  It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life.  After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking.  I knew it was something that would benefit Him.  It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires.  **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in.  Why was I still thinking as His slave would?  Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can?  I’m not His anymore.  Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things?  *and I started to crash and crash hard*  I was feeling pathetic and worthless.  **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**
I started feeling worthless and used.  Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene.  *click* And I started thinking.  So what about that?  After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay.  But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays?  And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay.  You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop.  I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced.  But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from.  It didn’t make sense to have such reactions.  And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master.  We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around.  I love this lifestyle.  The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am.  Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so.  If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this.  It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.

I Am Safe in the Universe, and ALL Life Loves and Supports Me



I breathe in the fullness and richness of Life. I observe with joy as Life abundantly supports me and supplies me with more good than I can imagine. ~Louise L. Hay

Today was one of those days where I could feel the abundance of life around me.  The positive energy was infectious.  I could feel the world bringing me everything that I needed.  And wow, did I need energy!  I am back to doing my walks which I enjoy greatly.  They bring me in tune with myself and the world around me.  Oddly, it’s my quiet time.  It’s the time that I take for myself to re-center and get in touch with the world around me.

I need that time to sort out things.  It’s this time that I use to gather up the strength to get myself through the day.  Sometimes, one of my kids walks with me.  When it’s my oldest we talk of issues he may be having at school and how to be a better citizen and person.  The differences between good friends and bad, and other life lessons.  He makes me so proud.  When it’s the youngest well, I just cant help but laugh at his antics.  He is a force unto himself and thank god there is only one of him in the world.  But He amazes me everyday.

It’s on these walks that I see just how blessed my life really is.  I have all that I need and there is a richness that surrounds me.  I have the love of friends and family *granted my family is just my boys*, but I couldn’t ask for a better one.  I still long for someone to share parts of my life with, but it’s a true sharing of life that I want.  To be a part of their life as they are a part of mine.  I don’t do exclusion well.  Actually, it’s very detrimental to me…I am sure it comes from my past and how I was raised, as I was always separated from the family in one fashion or another.  I got to watch while others lived and it kills me to do that anymore. 

I know there is greatness within me, still waiting for the right person to help work with me to direct it.  One day that will happen, but until then I shall enjoy every moment that life brings me.

Steps to Happiness



Steps to Happiness

You can’t be all things to all people.
You can’t do all things at once.
You can’t do all things equally well.
You can’t do all things better than everyone else.
Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s

So:
You have to find out who you are, and be that.
You have to decide what comes first, and do that.
You have to discover your strengths, and use them.
You have to learn not to compete with others,
Because no one else is in the contest of “being you”.

Then:
You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.
You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.
You will have learned to live with your limitations.
You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.
And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare to Believe:
That you are a wonderful, unique person.
That you are a one-in-all-history event.
That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.
That life’s not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.
And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

I Experience Love Whereever I Go



Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable.  Loving people fill my life, and I find myself easily expressing love to other. ~Louise L. Hay

Well, anyone that truly knows me knows that I love people.  I cant help but love people.  It’s in my nature to be open to the love that surrounds me.  I’m not afraid to love.  I do it easily.  I’m afraid not to love, because without love…what are you?  It’s love that makes us compassionate, empathic, and it’s love that’s a driving force in our character.

I had always thought that everyone was like me. But I have found that is not the case.  There are people who have forgotten how to love or they are so guarded they are unable to let themselves be loved or give love in return.  To be honest, it’s something that I don’t understand.  Similar, to how I was not able to understand spanking, paddling, whippings and the like until it was something I experienced.  I’ll admit that cutting myself off from love is not something I want to do.  It’s something that I don’t think will make me a better person.  One of the biggest things that makes me me..is my ablitity to love people.  I like that about myself, even when it means that I get hurt and hurt often…I wouldn’t trade it for not being able to see the love and feel the love for people that I do.

There are people who are scared by me and my ability to love.  Another thing I sort of understand.  It can be unnerving when dealing with one such as myself.  Worried that I will feel more for them than I will, or that I want more from them because they feel that I’m “in” love…and not just love them as the person they are.  Admittedly, love is a confusing emotion, but in my case it’s part of my being.  I have to love people.  I like being close to them.  There are few things that are more thrilling to me than to have a group of friends together where I can freely express the love that I have for the people there, be it with hugs and kisses or something just a tad bit more.  Okay, really, gotta admit, I love to flirt to.  But, it’s this capacity to love that is something that I cherish about myself. 

Do I get hurt more often because of this characteristic? Yes, I do.  But I would rather get hurt than never know the thrilling heights that one can reach when they open themselves up to the love of the universe.  The energy and the power is awe inspiring.

I See Clearly



I willingly forgive.  I breathe love into my vision, and I see with compassion and understanding.  My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight. ~Louise L. Hay

Sometimes, we want to rail against someone.  Whether for perceived wrongs or justified ones; it’s human nature to want to defend oneself.  I think that’s why they say that to forgive is divine.  Sometimes it’s something easier said than done.  But if you truly take a step back and look, you can find that compassion within your heart and understand, and once that understanding fills your heart you can forgive.

If you look for the beauty in people and let that stay the vision of them then you will look on the world with joy in your heart.  That’s not to say there still won’t be issues, far from it.  When two people look at the world differently…there truly are two visions of the world…from the biggest change…to the smallest of conversations.  No two people experience the same thing the same way.  It all depends on the people involved and how they choose to view things.

Yes, how you view things is a choice and one personal to the one viewing them.  I certainly know that there is at least one person that every time I leave an interaction where there was some laughter…maybe even tears…I feel that it was an overall positive conversation…only to later find that the other one didn’t view it that way.  It’s frustrating, but that’s just the difference on how we view things and the things within the conversation that we choose to remember.

I choose to remember the more positive aspects of the conversation…even if it’s only a small grain to hold to…it’s that..i will remember.  That she is happy and well. That’s a good thing.  Moving forward and growing, that’s all we can hope for and strive for…everyday.  And honestly, I think that I would like to think of it as a positive experience. 

Careful How You View Others



Persistently viewing others as dishonest, lazy, sinful, and ignorant can be a way of compensating for something you fear.  If there’s a pattern of seeing others as failures, you need to notice this pattern as evidence of what you’re attracting into your life. ~Dr. Dwayne Dyer

It truly amazes me how often people will look for the bad in others rather than the good.  I have watched as someone has looked for and found every perceivable flaw.  The end result only bringing drama and trials to their life when it wasn’t necessary.  And I’ve noticed that the patterns do in fact model their lives as well.  The exact same thing that they point out in others…is something that they themselves DO.

I think of all the wasted energy and it almost makes me want to pull all my hair out.  I know how much better and less stressful it is…to not always look for the bad in people.  Is this na├»ve? Maybe, maybe not, but it also puts me in tune with life.  I don’t have the barriers to experience the good things in life…unfortunately; I don’t have the barriers to keep out the bad either.  But the good outweighs the bad, and I’ve noticed that having those barriers up only increases the negative experiences.

Watch how you view people, if you are consistently viewing people in a negative light, you could be bringing more heartache and stress into your life than necessary.  Lighten up…live…laugh…love.  Life is meant to be lived with a full heart.  Not shrouded in the negativity of fear.