my Sanctuary


Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

An Owned Life on Social Parody

 An Owned Life

Okay, so i joined another social site the other day.  It's a BDSM lifestyle site which of course is just awesome.  It has great potiental as it doesnt have the drawbacks yet of some of the bigger sites.  For one, it's some small the trolls haven't found it yet.  It's FREE!!! always a bonus.  You can upload videos and pictures and the videos dont cost anything to watch..another bonus.  There is also a chatroom.  You can post messages and graphics on profiles, you can also add content to your profile...example a personal chatroom.  There are of course the individual groups that can be made, and a blogging feature.

So let's review:
  • Customizable profiles
  • chatroom
  • video
  • pictures
  • groups
  • blogs
  • ALL FOR FREE!!!! An Owned Life
i highly recommend all people who are serious about the lifestyle and want to mentor and encourage new people to join and contribute to the site.  i would love to see a site full of real people that are being real with each other.

The potiental here is immeasurable. i cant tell you just how excited i am about it.

fyi, i spend most of the day in the chatroom so stop on by and say hello :)

An Owned Life on Social Parody


The Slow Death of the Pain Wimp

Wow, when everything starts to fall into place, it really falls into place. As most know, I was the confirmed pain wimp. *what wait a second WAS!!!* Yes, that’s right WAS the pain wimp. When did this miraculous development happen, you ask, well, it started a few months ago with my first into to the flogger, continued on Halloween, and then a major blow was dealt over thanksgiving week.

Let’s start with a bit of a refresher for those that haven’t followed my misadventures. I was a confirmed pain wimp. The thought of being spanked, punished, flogged, whipped…scared the daylights out of me. When I first moved down here to my Master just the sight of His paddle would make me shake *and not in a good way*…a swat with it or just about anything else sent restless nights my way. Slowly..that changed…a swat here and there..some playful banter to go with, and suddenly the panic receded and was replaced with a tad bit of wonder.

Then came the flogger…it’s a soft suede one, and not ouchie at all. A great starter one I would say. And as I became used to it…I wanted more, wanted to see just how much more I could take…how much further I could go. I was excited as my fear started to slip and give way; a whole new side of things was opening up to me and I wanted to venture forth into it.

The next big step came on Halloween when I attended a play party. I was extremely nervous but it was wonderful to see and watch as subs and slaves were put through their paces so to speak. Later in the evening I had relaxed and felt comfortable enough myself that I bravely was taken to the spanking bench. Mind you this was the first time I had ever been actually placed anywhere for the distinct purpose of being spanked/paddles/flogged. I was so nervous, but fortunately I had great people supporting me, including another sub/slave that stayed right by me and talked and watched me as it happened. I think that gave me the confidence to get up on that bench. Being on there was an excerise in processing…double time as I had one spanking me with a paddle and another with a flogger. Wow, the sensations that were going through me as I would process things was amazing. At times I was able to process things well and just get just to being hit, and then WACK a really hard one that would be difficult to process but not over the edge. It would just bring me close enough to know that I could handle it…then they would back down a bit as a processed through the pain. This went on for about 30mins…at times it was lovely, and at times very very intense as I would be hit quickly in succession. Getting down off the bench I was shaky and so excited about what I had done. Having everyone there and watching me was a bonus as well, and that too was an experience. To have people watching as I was getting my beating. About 20mins off of the bench I was ready to hop back up there…and the addiction was truly born.

Over Thanksgiving, I think a critical hit was taken by the pain wimp. To start with the whole experience was different from the time I stepped through the door. Attitude, atmosphere…everything was fresh and new. I was immediately told to strip naked **a first for in the home** and was shackled both ankles and wrists. Was told that I had to ask permission for everything except to use the bathroom **another first**. I knew this week would be different from any other and that I would be delving deeper into the lifestyle than I had before...i was nervous and excited. New things started almost immediately…nipple clamps *still don’t like those*, a push pin rolling wheel *not too bad until it’s rolled over the nipples and placed under the tits for a while (I have large heavy breast so it started hurting), then a metal comb what made my entire back marked and sensitive, next came the I was really nervous. Whips scare me the sound remind me of dark days..but I was curious as to how it would feel. Having watched it being used at the Halloween party, I was excited to have it used on me too. There were so many mixed emotions going on, that I had to let go of them or drive myself crazy and so I did. Then there was that first slap…ouchie…then..mmm…I kinda like that…and again and again. Then a snappy hit..ouchie *holy shit didn’t like that* and another slappy hit..okay I like that one. Slowly I was learning not only what I liked and didn’t like, but what I could and couldn’t handle. After a short while I was taken to another area to be laid on a table…now it was time for the paddles, floggers, and canes.

Okay, now I’m all nervous again…and trying to remember to breathe…breathing is good. It started with some light flogging…yummy I love the floggers…**have learned not to make such a blanket statement** because as soon as I said that out comes this little innocent flogger. Ouchie, but that little fucker hurts…snappy like a rubber band..and ouchie annoying ouch. Then came the heavy thuddy flogger that when struck hard just about knocks the wind out of you…and I just wanted more. OMG I was in heaven, it hurt…but in such a good way, and the hard I was hit with it the more I liked it and the faster the better I just wanted more more more. Then WACK…holy fucking shit what the hell was that…and I met the cane. Talk about throwing me for a loop, insta tears and omg, if you hit me with that again…I’m gonna lose it. At that point play stopped for a bit as I was allowed time to process the hit. Damn but I don’t like that toy yet. Way too intense for me…but I was given time to relax again, and the flogging and paddling continued. Now, I don’t mind the paddles so much, but the little itty bitty paddles are ouchie after you have been hit in the same spot like 50 times…what starts out as not so bad becomes…okay you can move to a different spot now cause that’s starting to hurt like hell. Then came the introduction of the hitachi..omfg!! Okay I love that thing..wowza..and I now know that there can be too much of a good thing as once I was allowed to cum, mmm, I wasn’t allowed to stop…for a long time. *shakes head in disbelief* Never thought I would ask to be allowed NOT to cum, but…sure enough I found myself saying the words.

With the intensity of the day before the next day was not nearly as much, but it was by far my favorite day. I got to be a practice dolly for some flogging fun. It was wonderful. And again the harder and faster I was hit, the more intense it was and the more intense that more I loved it. As it was harder and faster the further I would start drifting and flying and it was a sensation that I just don’t have words for. It would build and build until I almost couldn’t stand it..and then out came the rabbit fur and boobies *smiles*. And there came the longing for more, harder faster…more more more.

Now that it’s been a few weeks since then there is this aching need to do it all again. A DEEP aching need. I want to see how far I can go this time..i want to push and be pushed over that edge. This has opened up a whole new world for me and it’s almost like starting at the very beginning. I’m so excited to see where this path will take me now. What things that I say I can’t do…will I be able to do in the future. That’s one wonderful thing about this lifestyle, is that there is always something to grow into and out of, deeper levels as growth and confidence start to come more into play.

Relaxation Excerise...this is too cool

Move Your Cursor over the water.
for the video on the bottom

Fall Is Finally Here

Fall is finally here in Florida and i'm loving it.  Fall has always been my favorite time of year. i love the crisp air and the chilled wind that only seems to come in the fall.  With the colors so brilliantly bright, for some reason even though it should be it should be a sign of death, i feel everything is so alive during the fall. 

Maybe it's the sensory overload, but there is just something about the smell, look and feel of fall that's like no other season.  Well, that and i'm allergic to so many flowers that spring isnt too pleasant for me.

i've never been a big fan of winter...but fall is such a special time of year.  When it's finally cool enough to do things outside for most of the day.  As a child it was also a signal that weeding the garden was done for the year.  i thruly thing that the only carefree days that i had were always in the fall.  There was no getting ready for planting, or horse shows or fair schedules like there was in spring, and it's not so bitter cold as it was in the winter **i grew up a montana girl**. 

Fall was spent reconnecting with friends and spending time out riding horses.  Most all of the yearlings were sold that were going to sell during the summer, and there was no training to be done.  It was just me and my own horse following our own schedule.  May that's why i love this season so much.

Fall to me brings a surge of energy, maybe it's the energy that the earth stores for the winter to rebound everything so vibrantly in the spring.  The potential for the next year being stored with in the rich depths of the earth.

That or it's the fact that i can finally open up the house and lower the air conditioning bill.

Sleep It's A Good Thing

Sleep is a good thing.  For those that know me, they know that i don't sleep well. Usually it's only a few hours a night and most of that is spent tossing and turning.  i've started taking meds for my anxiety and that's helped somewhat over the last month or so, but i was still having trouble falling asleep so on my last doctor visit the doctor prescribed some sleeping meds.

Needless to say, i've had two nights in a row of blessed sleep. i can't tell you how wonderful it feels to wake up rested...actually rested.  So often i wake more tired and worn out than when i went to bed in the first place, but this morning i woke...rested and refreshed.

The majority of my anxiety happens at night, when for the life of me i just can't get my brain to turn off.  Thoughts and fears run amok playing havoc with my brain.  It probably wouldn't be so bad if my brain didn't go over all the negative things that have or could happen.

As another wonderful bonus, the meds have a muscle relaxer in them, and my back doesn't hurt in the morning.!!!

So things are looking up...i'm starting to feel better. my emotions are getting under control, anxieties under some measure of check, and i'm getting some real rest.  Hopefully, this is the time for everything to start turning around in my life for the positive.  one can only hope.

Just What Kind of Property is a slave?

So often i hear of Masters that refer to their slave’s as property, which is fine and i agree with…but just what kind of property are They talking about.  So may refer to their slaves as being like a piece of furniture, a prized piece of jewelry, or a fancy sports car.  It’s those analogies that i personally have a problem with.  A slave is not an inanimate object, but a sentient being with thoughts and feelings.

A piece of furniture can be placed in a corner and forgotten about; jewelry placed in a box or drawer to hardly ever be seen or used…and that sports car can be placed in a garage rarely driven.  To those item no harm can come to them…there is no worry or concern for their mental well-being…they don’t have one.
A better analogy in my view…is that of a family pet.  Some pets have a job to do and tasks that must be done.  A pet is not always pleasing…sometimes they get into trouble.  Sometimes they think on their own **think of that prized mouse catch or the slobber filled slippers**.  If you place a pet away from interaction it will forget it’s place and the rules that it’s to live by.  A pet will get lonely, a pet will act out, a pet will feel hurt and sad, as well as, happy and playful.  A pet will have good days and bad, but no matter’s still owned and it’s still just a pet. Most pets are prized for the place that they fill be that as a work animal or as a companion.  A pet can suffer neglect the same as a slave…not from intent, but simply by owners who didn’t understand the responsibility that comes with having one. Pets need reassurances in much the same way a slave does…they need to be told that they are good and loved.  And they need to be disciplined when they misbehave.

There are so many correlations between a slave and a pet, that i could go on and on, but i think that by now you have caught my meaning.

Personal Responsiblity

There is something to be said about taking personal responsibility for ones actions.  Maybe it's the times we live in or the society that is being promoted...that it's always someone else's fault.  i'm unhappy because of the actions of **insert name here**.  i am the way that i am because of *my boss*.  Excuse after excuse is used to justify bad behavior.  Anything and anyone is to blame for their's not their fault.  What's worse is when people make excuses for them as well.  All that does is let that person know that it's okay to always blame someone else for their situation, when the truth is...we are all individually responsible for the place we are in our lives.  Take some responsibility for your actions...and with that comes accountability.

If there is not personal responsibility then one doesn't accept that they are accountable for their actions.  And the endless victim mindset and cycle begins.  How to you change behavior if someone isn't taking responsibility for their actions.  How do you hold them accountable in a meaningful way.  How do you stop the "it's so and so's fault" syndrome.

i try my best to teach my children that they are responsible for their actions...NO matter what the underlying reason for the action.  Two wrongs DON'T make a right.


i think it's important to always remember that we are a reflection of our Masters both online and off.  One should always think about how their words and actions reflect upon their Master.  i had the unfortunate experience recently of watching a slave be complete rude to an entire group of people, so much so that i had to wonder why she chose to be there.  She was not only being a poor reflection upon her Master but with the group she was with as well.  Then there is the rude behavior the flourishes online.  This behavior is often disguised and well "i'm just telling it like it is".   i firmly believe in conveying one's experiences especially when they differ from others as it gives a more broad view of the lifestyle and people can see just how different every relationship is from another; however, there is a tactful way to do so which is informative and non-confrontational.  Which do you think is a better reflection?

Another important thing to keep in mind when reading blogs around the net is the fact that they to are aware of the fact that their posts are also a reflection upon their Master.  It's only natural for them to reflect their Master's in a positive light.  Their words *including my own from time to time* sing the glowing praises of our Masters.   So i tend to focus on the good parts of our relationship, and not the frustrating ones.  While those in blog land might want to hear about the times that Master frustrates me so much i'd love to just shake Him; i don't think that airing that 'dirty laundry' is appropriate or a good reflections.  That and there are many times when words written in frustration can and do cause more harm than good.

Catch Me

Who will be there to catch my fall? In a perfect world i would love to say that my Master will always catch me, but in the real world, that doesn't always happen.  Ultimately, it's up to the individual to catch themselves.  Master's are wonderful and of course they try to be there for us as much as possible; however, they are human...they make mistakes...they let us down.  As my Master's slave it's my job to make His life easier and one of the ways that i do that is by being stable myself.
i think that it's dangerous and unstable to rely on a Master as your anchor in this world.  They should be but one of the stone used to build the foundation of your life.  A keystone even, but there should be other things in place to help you maintain emotional and physical stability. i think the best Master's teach their slave's to find the stability within themselves.  Help their slave's find that strength that's within us, foster it, and watch it blossom into the strength to handle the things that life puts before us.

Quiet Grace

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

There is something to be said for the ability to maintain a state of grace in turbulent and trying times. It is something that i try very hard to maintain as i feel that that's my job as my Master's slave. The world is a trying and turbulent place, it's my place to maintain a peaceful atmosphere for my Master to rest and recharge His batteries. One of the ways that i try to do this is to leave petty issues behind me. Holding on to the stress of the day myself will only create an atmosphere of tension which doesn't need to be in the home. The home should be a sanctuary from the pressures and turbulence of the outside world. A place to relax and be one's self.

Fostering a quiet grace is not easy. There are times when one wants to be petty, when things get to you that really shouldnt. Things that you know you should just let go but can't. It's at those times when it's good to reflect on the things to stop and mediate; find that quiet place within yourself.

Just because a Master is suppose to have His emotions under control, doesn't mean that it's something that should be tested. my job is to make things easier for my Master...and that includes not being a drain on His emotional and physical health. i always try to be a blessing and not a burden. And if you are feeling as though you are a burden, look inward and reflect, change how you are so that you can become that blessing in your Master's life.

Confession of a Pain Whimp


Okay okay i admit it. i like the flogger...okay more than like i LOVE it.  Now for those that know me, you all know that i'm a whimp when it comes to the ouchy things but curious as i am...i just had to know what a flogger felt like.  OMG, i think it was love at first swat.  Could this be my inner pain slut emerging through....well, lets not go quite that far yet.  But i could possibly see some more swats in my future.

Is it wrong to want to fall to my knees with the flogger in my hands and beg Master to swat my naked ass and pussy? I think about it often, fantasize day dream.  Wanting to feel that swat against my skin.  It's a new feeling and want...and like a kid that's been shown a cool new toy, i just cant get enough of it.

Who knows maybe a new love of nipple clamps and riding bats are on the horizon.  But for now, there is a definite love of the flogger.

Breaking Away

Sometime i have to remind myself how hard it is for people to breakaway from a bad situation.  So often i have watched people in the middle of a trainwreck and try to council them to save them from their situation.  Yes, i cant help myself, i'm a fixer.  i try to help people, it's in my nature.  Some relationships it's so easy to see that one should get out of, the physically or mentally abusive relationships...those are ones that it's so easy to convince oneself they should move on, and even those relationships are hard to move on from **trust me, i have first hand knowledge on that one**. 

But the most difficult ones are the ones where there is nothing outright wrong...but the situation is just not right.  It's like a frog in water, and the heat keeps getting turned up.  It's trying to help those that are in that type of situation that's just so difficult, and many times i find myself banging my head against that wall.

It's painful to watch someone's life slowly fall apart; watching the person that could be disappear before your eyes, all the while knowing there is nothing you can do about it until they decide that they have had enough.  It's a slow poison that draws their strength and energy.  But at some point even a friend has to make the choice to continue to watch or to remove themselves from the picture until such time as the light bulb finally goes off and they come to you for real help.  Knowing when to step away, and when to step up is tricky, there are some friendships destroyed forever because one has no choice but to walk away from the situation.
There are a million and one excuses for staying in relationships that are in a slow boil.  It's just a rough patch...there has just been so much going; but when we get through it...our relationship will be so much stronger.  All of those can be and are valid reasons; but to be believed, there should be action to back up the hope.  To me, without that, then it's only talk.

Sometimes even friends must breakaway from a situation, and come back when things are done falling to help pick up the pieces.  Friends can only do so much and be there on something for so long before it's apparent that someone isn't ready for the help offered.

Sub vs. Slave

i have seen this question posted in hundreds if not thousands of different places. i used to have a position on it, where a sub retained certain control over her life and a slave didn’t. Simplistic and down and dirty but the basics work. But my definition has changed a bit as i have grown in the lifestyle.

i am a slave, not because of some definition someone made but because that’s what my Master says i am. i have been told by other’s that such and such is not the actions of a slave or that some of my mannerisms where not slave like, and these statements would cause me great distress. But as i have grown in the lifestyle and in my life with my Master i have learned, although occasional setbacks arise that is doesn’t matter what others call me as long as my Master calls me His.

So call me a sub, a slave, even vanilla, it doesn’t really matter. Because the only name that matters is HIS, and as long as i am HIS, i am happy.


I can’t tell you how many times a day I find myself touching my collar. It’s a habit now, good or bad, well…I think it’s a good thing. Whenever I am stressed, I find that I have my hand on my collar. It comforts me and reminds me of Master. And when I think about it, my collar is a lot like Master.  I love to feel its weight upon me; it’s strong and secure; yet flexible as needed. It has its hard places, but it has its soft ones too. I love to feel it wrapped around me, just as I love to be wrapped up in Master. I never really thought about how similar it they were until today, but the more I think about my collar the more I realize how deeply I am His. So for me, my collar is more than a symbol of my submission to my Master, it is a representation of Master Himself. My strength, security, restraint, and my comfort, my Master is all these things and so much more.