Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.
Okay so i took one of the quizzes on facebook. I couldnt help it. It was which Beatles song are you? well, guess what:
You're "Hey Jude". Your all about making life a bit more brighter, no matter what has happened before. Unfortunately, you're a hopeless romantic, and most of your time is spent getting over loved ones. When your life is a train wreck, your friends cheer you up, help you see the brighter side, and help you to get back on your feet and back into the game. "Hey jude, dont make it bad, take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better."
I have to say, it pretty much nailed it on the head. Well, i wouldnt say i'm a "hopeless romantic" but i dont give up easy on things. And i do believe that one day things will turn around in the right direction. Now, if someone happens to have the damn map to the right direction; i know i could surely use it.
i do happen to be a HUGE Beatles fan and Hey Jude is one of my favorites. So i have to say that i'm most pleased with the result of my quiz.
i think i'm going to be taking a hiatus from posting for awhile. i dont know for how long, just until i feel comfortable doing so. No matter what i do, it always seems to ruffle feathers and really, i know i'm not the root cause, but just someone to blame. However, that doesnt stop me from getting it from both sides. Try to just focus on the happy parts but some dont want to remember.
i'll still be working on making the slave bells. i have new products in and that is going well. You can find them here: Aislinn's Erotic Jewels.
I'll still be on plurk occasionally, An Owned Life mostly just hanging out and chatting with a few on the chat bar, and i'll be on facebook from time to time.
It’s been an interesting few days to say the least, a lot that is not good, but thankfully there are bright sides so I’ll focus on those. I’m still moving forward in my life. But a few road blocks have been it, but that’s life…go around or break them down and move on. I think that’s what I’ve focused on now. Putting one foot in front of the other, but cant help but wonder if something permanent transpired or just another temporary setback. Okay enough of the negative, it’s past actions and I cant do anything about them, but learn and move forward.
On the positives, well, I went back to focusing on the things that I need to do, and so I started making more slave bells again. And low and behold, but I sold 2 of them in one day. It was wonderful to wake up that morning to see that one was sold, it was an emotional boost that I needed. Then later the same day I finished and posted another anklet and it wasn’t up more than 15 mins before it was sold. I was shocked and amazed as well as extremely greatful.
I have started working with wire work on the anklets, it takes a LOT longer to make one but I like the end result. It’s like nothing I have seen in dancing/slave bells and it looks very delicate. Over all I’m very pleased with them, although I’m probably not charging enough for the amount of time it takes to make them. But such is life.
The other positive I have going on is that I have my body in a state of ketosis. I monitor it closely as to not let my ketones get too high, but it means that my body is burning fat…YIPEE!! I have been steadily losing weight now for about 2 weeks and I’m very excited. I need to continue this and stick with it. I know it will work. I just need to maintain focus and determination. I CAN do this, and I will.
All in all I’m surviving at this point and trying to avoid any emotional triggers. I had one breakdown earlier this week and I don’t want another. The only way to change perception is to change myself…transform it and make it new.
Working on taking an honest look at things, and one of those is how people view me. I am amazed at the spectrum of opinions there are and it got me to wondering why. Is it solely their perceptions from past experiences with others, is it truly me, is it their choice to see the negative, or do those bringing out the negativity within me? And then I also look at the amount of time that I spend interacting with these individuals, and how often they have been positive uplifting experience and how many have been challenging. Do they take the time to truly get to know me…in an open and honest manner, or always waiting for me to make a mistake?
I was joking around with one of my friends a few weeks ago, when out of the blue she said “you’re such a cutie” and I sort of flippantly answered “yeah, I know.” She then replied with “But then so are you, sweetie! i think youre one of the most real people in the room, because you dont put on a front, pretend to be anything you arent, & youre always so honest & yet polite & kind. But you dont lay back & let anyone walk on you either. You just pick your battles wisely & calmly. you are always a real lady with dignity & humor & clarity You rarely get sucked into a mindless conflict.” I was floored. I had known her for a long time. I was amazed at the impression I had made on her. It really does wrap up the person that I strive to be. I have others that say I’m sweet, kind, and giving. And lol, not all of them are just online, but others that I know real time as well.
I have also been called selfish, hurtful, unkind, and jealous. These are things that I don’t strive to be. So why is it that some see this side of me? They are not characteristics that I try to cultivate. Is it the time they have spent getting to know me, is it too little or too much? Have they truly tried to find and see who I am, inside and out? Have they truly tried to get to know me, or just watch for me to be those things because they expect them?
Honestly, the truth is most likely in the middle. I can be hotheaded and I can easily be hurt. I lash out from time to time, and say things that I shouldn’t. But I also give my heart to most anyone I see in pain. I want to comfort them and support them.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I am all those characteristics. I can only hope and pray that my good side may shine brighter than my dark. And hope that one day, those that don’t see the good parts of me, may one day be able to see it.
I am truly blessed by the friends that I have that include me in their lives. They amaze me every day. I am humbled by the things that they do to include and welcome me into their lives. They have accepted me just as I am. No restrictions or reservations, they accept all of me.
This week the littles were gone with the grandparents, and so I had free time. I am so grateful and humbled by my friends that made sure that I was able to take full advantage of the time. Events included an unscheduled coffee with everyone that I care so much for, an overnight kidnapping and trip to the nudie beach, some playtime with a good friend full of fun and laughter…and some really hard swats occasionally, topping it all off was the trip to the Shed. I had such a wonderful and full week and I am blessed by having people that wish and make an effort to include me in their lives. It truly means the world to me.
Being at the Shed is such a wonderful experience. It’s a place full of life and energy. Open and welcoming it’s a place where I am free to be who I am. i am honored to have been accepted by the people and staff there, it fills my heart with a joy that borders on overwhelming. The energy there is just amazing, I love receiving it as well as giving my own. I can’t express how honored I am by those that have taken their time to get to know me and play with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. There are just places and times in one’s life that one can think on and your heart just soars at the thought…they have given me that memory and place and I am eternally grateful. I only wish I was able to visit more often as with every experience I grow and open up more.
I am surrounded by the most wonderful people, and I am blessed to be a part of your lives. THANK YOU!
Okay on a totally random and fun note….SUPSENSION ROCKS!!! It’s the most amazing thing. It made me feel so tiny and it was the most exhilarating experience. *Still say we need to paint designs of the floor* I never understood the draw to being suspended, although I love been tied up, but after…I am a new addict.
I breathe in the fullness and richness of Life. I observe with joy as Life abundantly supports me and supplies me with more good than I can imagine. ~Louise L. Hay
Today was one of those days where I could feel the abundance of life around me. The positive energy was infectious. I could feel the world bringing me everything that I needed. And wow, did I need energy! I am back to doing my walks which I enjoy greatly. They bring me in tune with myself and the world around me. Oddly, it’s my quiet time. It’s the time that I take for myself to re-center and get in touch with the world around me.
I need that time to sort out things. It’s this time that I use to gather up the strength to get myself through the day. Sometimes, one of my kids walks with me. When it’s my oldest we talk of issues he may be having at school and how to be a better citizen and person. The differences between good friends and bad, and other life lessons. He makes me so proud. When it’s the youngest well, I just cant help but laugh at his antics. He is a force unto himself and thank god there is only one of him in the world. But He amazes me everyday.
It’s on these walks that I see just how blessed my life really is. I have all that I need and there is a richness that surrounds me. I have the love of friends and family *granted my family is just my boys*, but I couldn’t ask for a better one. I still long for someone to share parts of my life with, but it’s a true sharing of life that I want. To be a part of their life as they are a part of mine. I don’t do exclusion well. Actually, it’s very detrimental to me…I am sure it comes from my past and how I was raised, as I was always separated from the family in one fashion or another. I got to watch while others lived and it kills me to do that anymore.
I know there is greatness within me, still waiting for the right person to help work with me to direct it. One day that will happen, but until then I shall enjoy every moment that life brings me.
Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable. Loving people fill my life, and I find myself easily expressing love to other. ~Louise L. Hay
Well, anyone that truly knows me knows that I love people. I cant help but love people. It’s in my nature to be open to the love that surrounds me. I’m not afraid to love. I do it easily. I’m afraid not to love, because without love…what are you? It’s love that makes us compassionate, empathic, and it’s love that’s a driving force in our character.
I had always thought that everyone was like me. But I have found that is not the case. There are people who have forgotten how to love or they are so guarded they are unable to let themselves be loved or give love in return. To be honest, it’s something that I don’t understand. Similar, to how I was not able to understand spanking, paddling, whippings and the like until it was something I experienced. I’ll admit that cutting myself off from love is not something I want to do. It’s something that I don’t think will make me a better person. One of the biggest things that makes me me..is my ablitity to love people. I like that about myself, even when it means that I get hurt and hurt often…I wouldn’t trade it for not being able to see the love and feel the love for people that I do.
There are people who are scared by me and my ability to love. Another thing I sort of understand. It can be unnerving when dealing with one such as myself. Worried that I will feel more for them than I will, or that I want more from them because they feel that I’m “in” love…and not just love them as the person they are. Admittedly, love is a confusing emotion, but in my case it’s part of my being. I have to love people. I like being close to them. There are few things that are more thrilling to me than to have a group of friends together where I can freely express the love that I have for the people there, be it with hugs and kisses or something just a tad bit more. Okay, really, gotta admit, I love to flirt to. But, it’s this capacity to love that is something that I cherish about myself.
Do I get hurt more often because of this characteristic? Yes, I do. But I would rather get hurt than never know the thrilling heights that one can reach when they open themselves up to the love of the universe. The energy and the power is awe inspiring.
Persistently viewing others as dishonest, lazy, sinful, and ignorant can be a way of compensating for something you fear. If there’s a pattern of seeing others as failures, you need to notice this pattern as evidence of what you’re attracting into your life. ~Dr. Dwayne Dyer
It truly amazes me how often people will look for the bad in others rather than the good. I have watched as someone has looked for and found every perceivable flaw. The end result only bringing drama and trials to their life when it wasn’t necessary. And I’ve noticed that the patterns do in fact model their lives as well. The exact same thing that they point out in others…is something that they themselves DO.
I think of all the wasted energy and it almost makes me want to pull all my hair out. I know how much better and less stressful it is…to not always look for the bad in people. Is this naïve? Maybe, maybe not, but it also puts me in tune with life. I don’t have the barriers to experience the good things in life…unfortunately; I don’t have the barriers to keep out the bad either. But the good outweighs the bad, and I’ve noticed that having those barriers up only increases the negative experiences.
Watch how you view people, if you are consistently viewing people in a negative light, you could be bringing more heartache and stress into your life than necessary. Lighten up…live…laugh…love. Life is meant to be lived with a full heart. Not shrouded in the negativity of fear.
I appreciate all that I do. I am good enough just as I am. I speak up for myself. I ask for what I want. I claim my power. ~Louise L. Hay
I have had a hard time speaking up for myself with those that are closest to me. I am working on changing that…learning to find my voice and ability to express those things. It hasn’t been an easy thing to learn. It’s something that I have to work on every day.
It was hard to find that I am good enough as I am…but if I take a step back from myself I find that...i am good enough as I am. Not that I cant improve things…because I can. However, I am a good and wonderful person. I work hard for my family and friends. I try to bring joy into the lives of those I know.
I’m still not the best at asking for what I want…hell, I can still barely ask for what I need. But I’m slowly getting a better understanding of just what that is. With this better understanding of what my needs are I can best tell others what my needs and wants really are. Hopefully, in the future it will help me develop a stable and long lasting relationship.
How do you want to present yourself? I’ve been reading a lot on a social site. I haven’t decided yet if I really want to participate or not. Mostly from what I read, it’s a place to just dog on other people. Maybe a way for someone to get their point across to others in a ‘public’ venue and thus a passive aggressive way of dealing with frustrations and hurts, the result is making the place an uninviting place where most are just putting themselves up as elitists and I’m better than anyone else. Contrary to what some make think…reading about and replying to other people’s bitches is not how I want to spend my time. There is a lot to be said for “if you cant say something nice don’t say it at all”.
I do have good friends on the site and I would love to interact with them more there, but I have a hard time wanting to open up my life somewhere I feel has a negative atmosphere. I realize life is not always happy and good, but it doesn’t always have to be some combative and challenging either.
There are people I just don’t enjoy talking to..doesnt mean that I don’t like them…just talking to them is difficult. Somehow they can twist words and actions around to the WORST thing possible. Making a simple conversation into something more, and making every conversation a battle of what do I say and what don’t I say. It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. It’s exhausting. It drains all your positive energy and so I do my best to interact with these people as little as possible.
What drives me nuts is that they don’t see what they are doing. They don’t see the weight and extra hardships that they put on their interactions with people close to them. I have friends that hang around these draining people. I can see the impact they have on my friends. It’s hard to watch but there isn’t a lot that I can do about it…other than limit my time with them when they are around these people.
So anyway, my choice for now is to hang back and watch the site from a distance. Hopefully, the feel and attitude of the site will change and I will feel more welcome in participating. For now, it has a feel that I’m just not comfortable with.
Well, things continue to more forward for me. The bells are going well, and giving me a sense of purpose. I’m having a few issues with other things. A confusion that I don’t like, I feel like I’m continuing to be played and toyed with in a not so good way. It’s frustrating to have so much faith in someone but think ultimately you are just being played. I try to suppress those thoughts and feelings as they are really not productive. I can only move forward. One step at a time, telling yourself that tomorrow will be better.
One day there is hope the next it gets crushed. But such is life, one door opens and another closes. It’s the revolving doors that drive me crazy. Sometimes, I feel stuck in one. I think in some areas I’m still very lost and very confused.
What do you mean I’m more of a pain slut that you thought? I couldn’t believe my ears when I was told that I was a pain slut. That’s a title that I never thought would EVER in a million years apply to me. But guess what…I think He was right. I really think He was after I went and saw the results of last night’s play in the mirror under good lighting. WOW, I cant believe I took that…and wanted more, much much more.
Last night was my first foray into the local dungeon, The Shed, and wow, what and experience it was. I cant even explain what a good time I had and just how much I want to go back. Looking in the mirror, my ass had a good time to. It was SOO wonderful to meet all the people that I have talked to for so long or just have known by reputation. I’m sure some are glad to have met the bubbly happy me…yes, I’m pretty much like I am online. Although I will say that I did refrain myself from hugging everyone…I’m not sure how long that will hold out for though. I’m a hugger I cant help it and when I’m really happy, and oh yes I was very happy, I just love to huggle most anyone and everyone. And as I get to know people more…well the hugs come out more.
Last night was such an experience, I don’t even know where to begin. Well, I like whips…that’s up there…almost as much as thuddy floggers…and omg, the nerf baseball bat..it may be nerf but it packs a deep thuddy punch. Oh yes and the electric fly swatter…while interesting…not a good idea inside a cage…4 hits almost at once…bit much. Now, I’ll be honest **yes that self preservation filter isn’t fully back yet** and say that I could see that being more fun…spaced out a bit more. **think I may end up regretting saying that but oh well.
I can no longer say that I’ve never really bruised anymore cause…DAMN. WOW, yes now I know why those darn chairs at Denny’s hurt so much and why every time we hit a bump on the way home…HELLO! But I have to say, I’m so proud of myself. I went from being scared to death of anything ouchie, to being called a pain slut. WOW, talk about progress.
I think I have finally figured out what has made this work so well. It’s my personal relationship with people that’s made all the difference. So many times I’ve tried to stress the importance of making those personal connections and the importance that they have. This is really such a close community that making those connections in imperative to any successful endeavor.
There is a reason I keep thanking everyone so much. Because I KNOW that without you I would be just spinning my wheels. But instead I feel as though I have an army of supporters, backing me and cheering me on. Not only have some actually stepped up and purchased something, but they are also spreading the word about the bells. For that, I can never thank you enough.
The response has been so overwhelming in fact that I’m really hoping that paypal gets me that check quickly or I’m going to have to go on back orders as I don’t have enough money to send out anymore. How is that for selling out. It’s truly amazing. I can’t wait to see what the next few months hold.
I truly feel blessed in all that I am doing right now. May blessing shine upon you all as well.
I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends. All of you amaze me every day, thank you for being so wonderful. I was so nervous starting the slave bell project, but I have gotten so much support it’s almost overwhelming. I am truly grateful for all of your support. Having worked on a bazillion projects, I know how hard it is to get them off the ground…and so far the bells have made and explosion.
My life and outlook has changed so much over the last month and a half. I have friends that say that they are inspired by me, which I find extremely humbling. They admire my courage with going out and doing the bells…and have asked how I did it. They have tried things so often and have failed. I told them, that I’ve had so many projects fail that they are too numerous to mention, but I keep on trying. I don’t give up easily. I like to take action and forge ahead. Really, I have no choice…it’s do or die and I’ve never really ever been one to NOT take action. If I see a problem, I want to fix it. I want to take action to fix it. **this caused me nothing but anguish as a slave though**
I love life. I love to laugh and play. *popcorn fights and all* I love to be with people. I love people. I love to snuggle and flop on people. I’m a very loving person and very open. I love having people come to my house for coffee, dinner, watching a movie and everyone just piled on the couch together. I love a good debate. Basically, I just love life and I love LIVING it. I’m really not much of a sidelines person, although I don’t mind being in the background as long as I’m involved WITH people. I don’t do well alone. I know that. I do best surrounded by supportive people. They bring out the best in me, as I want to make them happy. I want them to be proud of me, and I always do my best to do that.
I wouldn’t be where I am now, without YOU though, and I thank you so much for being who you are…my friends, thank you for accepting this silly girl into your lives.
Wow, things are moving forward.I made a big and yet very frightening step today.I put the slave bells up for sale.I am extremely nervous about it.I have had so many ideas on doing things and SO many have been utter failures.But, I only takes one thing to start things moving and hopefully this is it.This is the year that I change my life.On one hand I’m so open to the possibilities right now, but on another I think it will be the end of something else.So many have been truly supportive, asking questions, encouraging me to do this, and telling me how well I progressed in my skill.I cant ever thank you all enough.
Well, you can imagine my surprise when I have already gotten notices that I have sold some anklets.I was shocked and so absolutely giddy.I almost can’t believe it.I know this is the turnaround in my life that I was hoping for…I can and do serve a purpose.I do love and want to live the lifestyle.Maybe not everyone’s idea of it, but what works for me and what works for those I’m with.I am happy doing my “thing” and then playing with others.Would I have rather done this with someone…well, yes, but just because I wanted it to be this way with them, doesn’t mean they wanted it to be that way.So I’m forging my own path.I am getting to know real lifestyle people, and be as active as I can in the community here.
I know at some point I’ll be able to find the relationship that works for me.i could never go back to vanilla, it’s not even an option for me…hell, I can barely last vanilla between playdates.That said, I still long for more than just playmates in my life.I’m not ready for more…I know that.I don’t want to get into a relationship while I feel that I’m vulnerable to pretty words and a sharp flogger, whip, cane, and all sorts of other things that’s on the list to experience.I want to make sure that I’m on solid ground before moving forward in that way.
Okay, healthwise, I haven’t been doing so hot.I have the cough from hell it’s made my workouts suffer unfortunately.However, as soon as this damn cough is gone, you can bet your ass, I’m back at it.
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