my Sanctuary


Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

Personal Connections Make The Difference

I think I have finally figured out what has made this work so well. It’s my personal relationship with people that’s made all the difference.  So many times I’ve tried to stress the importance of making those personal connections and the importance that they have.  This is really such a close community that making those connections in imperative to any successful endeavor.

There is a reason I keep thanking everyone so much.  Because I KNOW that without you I would be just spinning my wheels.  But instead I feel as though I have an army of supporters, backing me and cheering me on.  Not only have some actually stepped up and purchased something, but they are also spreading the word about the bells.  For that, I can never thank you enough.

The response has been so overwhelming in fact that I’m really hoping that paypal gets me that check quickly or I’m going to have to go on back orders as I don’t have enough money to send out anymore.  How is that for selling out.  It’s truly amazing.  I can’t wait to see what the next few months hold.

I truly feel blessed in all that I am doing right now.  May blessing shine upon you all as well.

And Everything Is Just Falling Into Place

I am continually amazed at the way my life has changed around so drastically in such a short amount of time.  I’ve taken drastic steps to make improvements and for some reason most all of them seem to be working..okay, maybe not the health part…me and this damn cough.  The bells are doing wonderfully, much better than I ever expected.  And I think the fact that there are sales from people that I don’t even know is an extremely good sign.

I have other ideas to expand on my endeavors.  I prototyped a nipple clamp string of bells last night.  I need to do a tad more research on supplies but I think it would work well.  And wow, are they noisy; perfect really for those that like walking around nakie.  It’s a wonderful adornment.  I’m also thinking of some other clamp jewelry that would be cute and functional.  Mostly ideas for now, and slowly getting it to where I can start selling things.  I don’t want to jump in too fast and then be back ordered cause I have to wait for supplies.

On the personal front, well, it’s the same ole same ole.  I am still seeing a lot of things that I don’t like and I’m still doing things that I should really stop doing.  There was a time when I may not have been able to count on someone being there for me, but when they said they were going to do something or be somewhere they always were.  Now, most of the time, it’s not true anymore and it’s frustrating.  And even more frustrating because I know how much they hate when people flake on them.  It’s starting to make me wonder just what the hell am I doing.  But one of these days, the personal life will get straightened out just a little.  Right now, there are so many other positive things that are almost literally falling in my lap, that I’m going to enjoy them…and what will be will.

Maybe it’s time I stop trying to ‘fix’ the personal part and let it come to pass.  Someone else’s turn to do the work if they want…and if they don’t want, well that’s okay too.

I Am Truly Blessed

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends.  All of you amaze me every day, thank you for being so wonderful.  I was so nervous starting the slave bell project, but I have gotten so much support it’s almost overwhelming.  I am truly grateful for all of your support.  Having worked on a bazillion projects, I know how hard it is to get them off the ground…and so far the bells have made and explosion. 

My life and outlook has changed so much over the last month and a half.  I have friends that say that they are inspired by me, which I find extremely humbling.  They admire my courage with going out and doing the bells…and have asked how I did it.  They have tried things so often and have failed.  I told them, that I’ve had so many projects fail that they are too numerous to mention, but I keep on trying.  I don’t give up easily.  I like to take action and forge ahead.  Really, I have no choice…it’s do or die and I’ve never really ever been one to NOT take action.  If I see a problem, I want to fix it.  I want to take action to fix it.  **this caused me nothing but anguish as a slave though**

I love life.  I love to laugh and play.  *popcorn fights and all*  I love to be with people. I love people.  I love to snuggle and flop on people.  I’m a very loving person and very open.  I love having people come to my house for coffee, dinner, watching a movie and everyone just piled on the couch together.  I love a good debate.  Basically, I just love life and I love LIVING it.  I’m really not much of a sidelines person, although I don’t mind being in the background as long as I’m involved WITH people.  I don’t do well alone.  I know that.  I do best surrounded by supportive people.  They bring out the best in me, as I want to make them happy.  I want them to be proud of me, and I always do my best to do that.

I wouldn’t be where I am now, without YOU though, and I thank you so much for being who you are…my friends, thank you for accepting this silly girl into your lives.

Big Steps Forward

Wow, things are moving forward.  I made a big and yet very frightening step today.  I put the slave bells up for sale.  I am extremely nervous about it.  I have had so many ideas on doing things and SO many have been utter failures.  But, I only takes one thing to start things moving and hopefully this is it.  This is the year that I change my life.  On one hand I’m so open to the possibilities right now, but on another I think it will be the end of something else.  So many have been truly supportive, asking questions, encouraging me to do this, and telling me how well I progressed in my skill.  I cant ever thank you all enough.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I have already gotten notices that I have sold some anklets.  I was shocked and so absolutely giddy.  I almost can’t believe it.  I know this is the turnaround in my life that I was hoping for…I can and do serve a purpose.  I do love and want to live the lifestyle.  Maybe not everyone’s idea of it, but what works for me and what works for those I’m with.  I am happy doing my “thing” and then playing with others.  Would I have rather done this with someone…well, yes, but just because I wanted it to be this way with them, doesn’t mean they wanted it to be that way.  So I’m forging my own path.  I am getting to know real lifestyle people, and be as active as I can in the community here.

I know at some point I’ll be able to find the relationship that works for me.  i could never go back to vanilla, it’s not even an option for me…hell, I can barely last vanilla between playdates.  That said, I still long for more than just playmates in my life.  I’m not ready for more…I know that.  I don’t want to get into a relationship while I feel that I’m vulnerable to pretty words and a sharp flogger, whip, cane, and all sorts of other things that’s on the list to experience.  I want to make sure that I’m on solid ground before moving forward in that way.

Okay, healthwise, I haven’t been doing so hot.  I have the cough from hell it’s made my workouts suffer unfortunately.  However, as soon as this damn cough is gone, you can bet your ass, I’m back at it.

Seriously WTF!!!

Okay just for a warning this is going to be a WTF kind of post.  Alright, you have been warned read only if you wish to continue.

Alright, seriously wtf.  It seems that no matter what I do people just have to fuck with me.  Honestly, it cracks me up that they thing they are so anonymous when they do it.  That they don’t know that I know who they are, I find amusing and a tad insulting.  Lord, help me if I point out all the sneaky surreptitious stuff that they have pulled in the past and are pulling now.  Really most of it’s in the past but damn if they just cant help themselves by poking into my life.  They try to find these sneaky ways of digging up dirt.  Now, mostly my life is pretty much an open book, I don’t really hide a lot.  And if you are one of my friends on certain social networks you all know that.  This doesn’t mean that I want my entire life open to every tom, dick, or harriet.  First off, people love to twist things around way too much, and some just cant help but to fuck with me.  I’ve come to expect and accept it and for the most part find it amusing.

For the second WTF!  I know of someone else that supposedly lives the lifestyle.  She was collared to someone just a few short weeks ago.  That ended, and she protested that she wanted her next relationship to be real.  Now a collar, is similar to an engagement/wedding ring, and yet four short days later she’s collared so someone new that live in an entirely different country.  Seriously, WTF, did we learn nothing from the first go around.  To be taken as real, you have to be real and realistic.  I’ve spent more than my fair share of time defending this girl, but hell, even I cant condone this.  I can’t excuse it either.  This is the same girl that teases and degrades girls that are “collar hoppers” and yet she just did the same damn thing. 

Now, I can understand the want and the need to be comforted and cuddles a bit.  Being released is not easy, it’s heartbreaking and difficult.  I’m thankful that I have the friends that I do during this time for myself.  But I also know that any relationship I were to get into at this time would only end in disaster.  I’m on the rebound and on it hard.  I couldn’t even imagine giving someone my trust and life again at this point.  Yes, that’s just my situation.

But how many people do you know that go from being engaged to one person and then break it off and become engaged to someone else 4 short days later.  That is fantasy land.  This is real life not some cyber game to be played.  This is why people get hurt.  They fall prey to the cyber fluff fantasy land and refuse to look at the reality of the situation.

Common sense goes a long way…use it!!

Blessing In The Small Ways

Well, today has been interesting to say the least.  I feel like I got smacked in the face by someone close to me, but well, I guess I’m not all that surprised.  Shit happens and such is life…just another lesson learned.  Of course should I turn around and do the same I would be called childish and immature…amazing how that works.  I have noticed changes that I don’t like…it’s a growing darkness that I have seen overtake them…a slow poison.  Try as I might, I was unable to show the darkness and it may be time to let another one go.  Negativity is a sneaky thing…it can creep up on you when you least expect it.

On other fronts, life is going well.  Surprisingly well in fact, I have gotten a very positive response from the pictures of the slave bells that I have put out.  And from the people that I have talked to about them, hopefully soon I will have them up for sale here.  I got a surprise check in the mail today.  Seems that the government messed up for once in my favor, and I had overpaid something and they sent me the back pay of it.  Woo hoo!! That was a very nice surprise indeed.  It’s not a lot, but for me it doesn’t take a lot to make a big difference.

Positive things keep happening in my life lately.  Although there are certainly areas that I would like to still work on, life is looking up and I’m excited for what the future holds.  Oh and another little annoying but ultimately good thing, youngest found his glasses, of course that’s after I had already paid $50 for a new pair.  *hits self on the forehead* However, as he is young and rough and tumble, having an extra pair can only be a good thing.
It’s the blessings in the small things.

New Beginnings

Well, I’ve been feeling yucky the last couple of days.  Darn congestion…mostly it’s degraded to an annoying as hell cough.  But that’s really the only downside lately.  Everything else is looking up.

The bells arrived and I started making slave bell anklets.  I’m really excited about this venture and I’m hoping that it will work.  I don’t need it to totally take off and I’m not really expecting it too, but if I can make an extra $20-$50 a month that would be totally awesome.  The first set of anklets is going to be rather simple and inexpensive…after seeing how they do, I may add more embellishments to them, beads and such, maybe more intricate designs in the weaving.  I still like the versatility of the embroidery thread as I can make anklets in most any color of the rainbow. 

Not much else is going on.  I could really use a play session soon.  Just the thought of one gets me wet and excited, which I find a little odd as most of my play doesn’t ever include sex and sometimes doesn’t even include me cumming.  But I long for it nonetheless, and wow, do I ever.  There is still so much that I want to do and further that I want to go.  I crave the intense, not necessarily the extreme, but the intense.  I really want to push and be pushed…then need is almost overwhelming.

Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to get together with some friends soon and play.  I need the connection with others almost as much as the session itself. 

What A Mess

There are days when I wish I had stayed oblivious to the lifestyle.  Just know there was something missing in me but not know what it was.  Trust me there are days that knowing what it is and knowing that it takes to fill that need is almost just as frustrating.  But I can’t pretend in a vanilla world.  I’m not vanilla; I have needs and wants that go beyond that world.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure myself.  But then when I look at my relationships they are all so similar it’s almost frightening.

I’ve always been attracted to very dominant or confident men.  Sometimes, I would just meet someone that was confident in one area.  However, if that didn’t pan out into other areas of life I soon found myself looking for a way to end things.  I have actually had many short term relationships.  I’ve never really been one to hold on to something that wasn’t going anywhere.  Now, there were two long term relationships that I’ve been in…one being my failed marriage, which I knew was doomed even before it started, but I tried to force myself into a vanilla world without even realizing that’s what I was doing.

Then I found the M/s world, and things just seemed to make sense.  Everything was feeling right.  I felt like I finally found the missing piece and the person to help me put them together.  I was excited…everything seems to have a new flavor and direction.  I finally figured out what was missing.

Unfortunately, my life turned out more vanilla than anything else.  I was frustrated, angry, and confused.  I was feeling like an employee and not anything more.  I wanted a life not a job, and I didn’t know how to express myself well.  I started to think that maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pieces didn’t fit like I thought they should.  I started doubting myself.  I started doubting who I was with, and why.  I had turned my life upside down and it seemed like it was all just a horrible mistake.  I started to feel that I wasn’t meant for this lifestyle.  I began not trusting my judgment and the judgment of the one I was with…it started a huge downward spiral in my psyche.  I didn’t trust myself anymore and started to be scared of everything.

Well, I started getting with a group of lifestyle people here.  Forming friendships and drinking coffee with them, I started to see how their lives were formed.  I watched their interactions and again, the lifestyle just called to the very heart of me.  This generally increased my frustration and my longing for something more than what was going on.  I didn’t want vanilla but what I had wasn’t working either.  I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t see what was in front of me at all.  I needed something drastic to change.  But there was no change coming, and I couldn’t stay on the road that I was any longer.

Well, I continued to talk with my lifestyle friends and my experience has grown so much.  I now know that I am right for the lifestyle.  I have experienced more and need more.  I owe a great deal to my real time friends in the lifestyle, without them, I would have probably left the lifestyle, feeling that it just wasn’t right for me.  But I know different now, I want and need to be actively in the lifestyle, not a passive spectator.  I need this life with every fiber of my being.  I have no doubt about that now.  And even though, I am still fearful of being hurt, I am doing my best to stay open to the one person I have always wanted to share this lifestyle with.  But that too brings up fearful thoughts.  I don’t want to start another actual relationship; I don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt again.  I think it’s the known quantity of it that still has me there.  I know what to expect even if I know that that’s not enough.  I keep hoping for a change, some spark to make it different.  But I still don’t see it. 

While I’m no longer wondering in the dark, I still have no idea where I’m going.  I don’t trust many people.  Oddly, I find that trusting people is much harder for me than it once was…whenever someone pops up and wants to have things more than friends, I get fearful and uncertain.  And I don’t just want play partners either…I swear I’m still messed in the head sometimes.  I want and need the lifestyle yet, I’m too scared to let anyone in…and I know this is not going to work.  To have the life I want, I have to let someone in…what a mess.

One Step At A Time

Urgh, today was another rough day.  I’m feeling crummy.  Both the boys have had or have bronchitis and I can feel the congestion start to build in my chest.  Isn’t that just lovely??  Anyway, my day was spent trying to keep my eyes open, running errands, and somehow I still managed to walk that mile.  There was NO way I was going to let my streak slide because I was feeling under the weather.

After a minor hiccup with the order, the bells are now on the way here.  I am SOOO excited about this project.  I even got a book to learn some weaving patterns.  I think that this could really go well.  The variety of applications is endless.  I really think it would be cool to do slave bells in “house” colors.  Seriously, what a great way to show that solidarity within the house than to have matching slave bells?  I can also make beaded slave bells…some can even be very elaborate.  Of course, I’m a bit ahead of myself on the elaborate ones.  I don’t want to say I can do more than I am capable of doing.  Right now, I’m going to stick with some simple designs and the materials that I have on hand.  As it grows I want to start using colored hemp and more beaded bells.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my world.  Nothing to huge, just another notch in the year.

It's Not Always Easy

I think I have started and erased about 10 drafts of today’s post.  I want to just pour out my feelings and frustrations, my fears and anxieties, my hurt and pain; but I stop and remember that doing so would ultimately be counterproductive to the ultimate outcome that I want for my life.  And so I erase all that I have written and try to start over.  I only wish I could erase everything as easily but alas, I cannot.

Make no mistake the last couple days has not actually been easy for me.  I want to cry, scream, and shake someone important to me.  I want us to start really healing and moving forward.  I don’t feel like we are moving forward.  I feel as though we are stuck in the same place we were months ago.  I miss our connection. I miss the laughter and playing.  I miss seeing mischievous eyes shining in my direction.  I miss feeling safe and cared about.  It seems like it has been so long since I really felt that.

I know I can be happy.  And I know that one day I’ll be sharing laughter and mischievous smiles.  I think that’s one of the reasons I like to play so much.  It is the connection that happens.  One day I will have the laughter, the connection, the feeling of safety that happens even though I’m at the mercy of another, I am completely helpless and yet I feel safe.

I know that one event could very well change things in a positive direction and I think that’s what bothers me.  I’m willing to jump and take the risk that it will, and yet, I can’t be the only one willing to take that risk.  Some are comfortable in the status quo, make no waves…well darn it…life is meant to be lived…fully lived.  I am here to live…not languish away waiting for something to spur a spark.  Sometimes, you have to just make that spark happen.  Take a chance, you may win, you may lose, but damn at least you know you went down kicking and screaming doing every damn thing you could.

I can't make another take that risk.  I can’t make them take that chance.  But, then that leaves me with a choice as well, how long to I wait for them to take that chance.  Right now, I don’t know.  At times, it’s easy to just accept the status quo and go with the flow and at others…I’ll be damned but I want to go over and shake things up.  Things won’t ever change unless you are brave enough to change them.

Well this was a lovely rambling post.  I’m not sure any of it made any sense at all. I hope I helped someone in my chaotic ramblings.

I'm Not A Slut

If Only

Ah A Lovely Rainy Day...NOT!

Wow, did this day go by fast. I feel like I just woke up and here it is already evening time.  I suppose it’s because I had a relatively busy day.  I had to take the monsterchyld to the doctor today and sure enough he has bronchitis.  It’s raining here and I don’t know if it was just that or not but I almost got squished by two vehicles that decided they wanted my lane AT the same time…idiots.  I’m glad I was paying attention because they sure as hell weren’t.  They didn’t even have turn signals on.  They are luck I don’t have better insurance or I would have just let them hit me.  Okay, maybe not, but the thought crossed my mind.

Thanks to our lovely government not sending out checks when they are suppose to, I wasn’t able to order my supplies.  I am a tad bummed about that but the check should be here tomorrow.  The mailman said that no one got their check.  So I must have some patience, yes I know it’s not my strong point but alas I must acquire some.

I did get my walk in, 2 miles.  I feel good about that and when the boys get to bed I’ll head over to the fitness center here at the complex and do some work with weights.  I feel that I’m on track with my exercise and even what I’ve been eating or rather not eating.  I’m hoping that I can continue with this positive trend.

I’m so ready for an intense playdate!!! It’s a craving and need that damn near borders on unbearable.  Shesh, I thought just being horny was bad, at least then, I could use a vibe and get off.  But well, beating myself just is NOT the same.  Just thinking about it and my ass, back, and cunt start tingling.  *sighs* but it doesn’t look like an intense session is in the cards for now.  But damn, I really need/want one.  Okay, need to start thinking of something else the bits are getting really tingly.

Well, it’s another day done and another one is to come.  I’m still moving forward, learning and growing and that’s always a good thing.