my Sanctuary


Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.

Service Drop?

Is there a service drop?  We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub.  Do they experience a drop as well?  To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking.  Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see.  It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life.  After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking.  I knew it was something that would benefit Him.  It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires.  **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in.  Why was I still thinking as His slave would?  Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can?  I’m not His anymore.  Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things?  *and I started to crash and crash hard*  I was feeling pathetic and worthless.  **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**
I started feeling worthless and used.  Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene.  *click* And I started thinking.  So what about that?  After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay.  But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays?  And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay.  You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop.  I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced.  But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from.  It didn’t make sense to have such reactions.  And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master.  We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around.  I love this lifestyle.  The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am.  Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so.  If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this.  It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.


alex said...

Well - I am not a psychologist, but it certainly sounds feasible. It happens at specific times with specific triggers - service drop. Logically - it really makes sense. Having never had a sub drop - gosh I hope i never do from the sounds of it - I am probably having a "well duh" moment now too lol! But that totally makes sense. Leave it to you to go down and find clarity ;)

aislinn said...

lol, if i'm down there, i might as well find a silver lining there somewhere.

alex said...

As long as you are down there.... *smirks* Now DID you really mean that? *giggling her brains out*.

aislinn said...

lmao...naughty girl

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