What A Mess

There are days when I wish I had stayed oblivious to the lifestyle.  Just know there was something missing in me but not know what it was.  Trust me there are days that knowing what it is and knowing that it takes to fill that need is almost just as frustrating.  But I can’t pretend in a vanilla world.  I’m not vanilla; I have needs and wants that go beyond that world.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure myself.  But then when I look at my relationships they are all so similar it’s almost frightening.

I’ve always been attracted to very dominant or confident men.  Sometimes, I would just meet someone that was confident in one area.  However, if that didn’t pan out into other areas of life I soon found myself looking for a way to end things.  I have actually had many short term relationships.  I’ve never really been one to hold on to something that wasn’t going anywhere.  Now, there were two long term relationships that I’ve been in…one being my failed marriage, which I knew was doomed even before it started, but I tried to force myself into a vanilla world without even realizing that’s what I was doing.

Then I found the M/s world, and things just seemed to make sense.  Everything was feeling right.  I felt like I finally found the missing piece and the person to help me put them together.  I was excited…everything seems to have a new flavor and direction.  I finally figured out what was missing.

Unfortunately, my life turned out more vanilla than anything else.  I was frustrated, angry, and confused.  I was feeling like an employee and not anything more.  I wanted a life not a job, and I didn’t know how to express myself well.  I started to think that maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pieces didn’t fit like I thought they should.  I started doubting myself.  I started doubting who I was with, and why.  I had turned my life upside down and it seemed like it was all just a horrible mistake.  I started to feel that I wasn’t meant for this lifestyle.  I began not trusting my judgment and the judgment of the one I was with…it started a huge downward spiral in my psyche.  I didn’t trust myself anymore and started to be scared of everything.

Well, I started getting with a group of lifestyle people here.  Forming friendships and drinking coffee with them, I started to see how their lives were formed.  I watched their interactions and again, the lifestyle just called to the very heart of me.  This generally increased my frustration and my longing for something more than what was going on.  I didn’t want vanilla but what I had wasn’t working either.  I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t see what was in front of me at all.  I needed something drastic to change.  But there was no change coming, and I couldn’t stay on the road that I was any longer.

Well, I continued to talk with my lifestyle friends and my experience has grown so much.  I now know that I am right for the lifestyle.  I have experienced more and need more.  I owe a great deal to my real time friends in the lifestyle, without them, I would have probably left the lifestyle, feeling that it just wasn’t right for me.  But I know different now, I want and need to be actively in the lifestyle, not a passive spectator.  I need this life with every fiber of my being.  I have no doubt about that now.  And even though, I am still fearful of being hurt, I am doing my best to stay open to the one person I have always wanted to share this lifestyle with.  But that too brings up fearful thoughts.  I don’t want to start another actual relationship; I don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt again.  I think it’s the known quantity of it that still has me there.  I know what to expect even if I know that that’s not enough.  I keep hoping for a change, some spark to make it different.  But I still don’t see it. 

While I’m no longer wondering in the dark, I still have no idea where I’m going.  I don’t trust many people.  Oddly, I find that trusting people is much harder for me than it once was…whenever someone pops up and wants to have things more than friends, I get fearful and uncertain.  And I don’t just want play partners either…I swear I’m still messed in the head sometimes.  I want and need the lifestyle yet, I’m too scared to let anyone in…and I know this is not going to work.  To have the life I want, I have to let someone in…what a mess.