One Month Down

Well, I’ve been unowned for a month now.  It’s different and while in some ways it’s good, in other it’s just heartbreaking.  I keep trying to keep in mind that this is just another bump in the road and that we will get past it and ultimately be stronger for it; I cant help but have doubts enter my mind.  I know of my commitment but I am only one side of the equation.  I still have a tendency to get frustrated, although, it doesn’t have as strong of a ramification as it did before.  I can give the space that may be needed, but still long for the comfort of having the same ultimate goal.

I have accomplished a great deal this month.  I have walked at minimum a mile every single day.  I have started lifting weights which will help.  My house is more stable; I’m more stable.  I’ve gotten the chance to play twice; which was awesome.  I have been able to grow in that area and it brings me great pleasure.  I have found that I truly and honestly enjoy the masochistic me.  It lets me connect with people on a different level and allows me to fulfill that need to physically submit to someone.  To be someones toy for awhile, no thoughts, just feel.  And I feel every bit of it.  It’s like coming alive.  I can feel the energy in the room and it fills me. 

I’ve gotten to experience different types of play now.  Both with heavy floggers that I love and some more stingier things.  I like the dragon tongues and want to experience more of them.  I would like to continue to develop with the canes, when they are used with the floggers it’s quite nice indeed.  I still have some other things that I haven’t really experienced yet but I want to try them soon.  I’d like to try clothes pins both on the lips of my pussy and around my breasts *not on the nipples because I already know that they are WAY too sensitive for that*.  I also what to try cell popping and even needle play a bit…as well as wax play.

 The cell popping and needle play are newer interests.  I have read about other’s experiences with it, and the idea fascinates me.  And I now know from some more experience that I can handle a lot more than I thought I could and that in the midst of happy floaty land that needle play would probably be on an entirely different level than getting blood drawn.  Given my fear of branding…I want to confront it a bit by watching a cell popping first and then perhaps trying it myself.

I am finding myself falling deeper and deeper into the lifestyle and I like that.  It just feels right and it’s a natural development.  I suppose in a way I’m very lucky that I have a few things that prevent me from really jumping in too fast, otherwise I would probably get myself in over my head in my desire to experience more.  And I’m also fortunate to be surrounded by some awesome friends…I love you so much you just have no idea how much you all mean to me.

I’m going to try and continue the positive movement in my life.  I’m hoping to be able to get some supplies to make some crafty type items to sell and bring in some extra money into the house.  Lol, even if it’s only $10 a month it’s something and it will keep me busy.  So I have one project I want to start this coming month and another one I want to start in March.  I’m not exactly sure how that will play out, but it’s something that’s worth a shot.  Some of it is a shot in the dark and I have no real clue to what I’m doing and then there are others that I have a fairly good grasp on.  Time will tell how those ventures go.  My biggest adventure so far is finding wholesalers for the supplies that I want.  It’s been a long process there but a few things have come together, I hope.

Well, one month down…time to start on the next one.  Cheers!

Yep, i'm a Masochist

Okay, so I call the place I end up going to when being spanked/flogged/caned/whipped  and the like, happy floaty land.  Is it true sub-space, I have no idea.  Could you get me to do damn near anything when I’m there…oh yes, I’m very malleable.  I’m happy and giddy really wanting to please and be pleasing.  It’s almost like I have had about 2 drinks of hard liquor.  I’m definitely buzzing.  I can also see why alcohol and play should NOT be mixed.

Now, it’s not like being able to shut everything out…actually just the opposite I find that I’m extremely focused on the moment..although I do get a bit ADD *oh shiney* in happyland.  Now, I don’t know however said that after awhile your ass gets numb…but the LIE!!!  I can say this because after a few long play sessions now…over 2 hours close to 3…not once have I ever been able to say that my ass has gone numb, or that I ever blocked out the pain…nope, I felt every swat and loved each one.  Which is not what I actually thought that I would do or like.

Pain was something I was always afraid of, terrified actually.  I never thought I would enjoy it or want more.  I think part of it is approach too…if bringing up beatings is always “I’m going to turn you into a painslut” statements, well that drives fear, it doesn’t ease it away.  But having watched someone else in person get a beating…omg, that experience was truly lifechanging.  Every fiber of my being said…”I WANT TO DO THAT”.  It called to me on a level and need I just cant explain.  It brought out very intense emotions and feelings that it took me a bit to process.

Then I started actually experiencing things.  Wow, after every incident I just want more, go further, do more…I almost feel like turning the meow mix song from meow to more more more more more more more more…more..more..more.  There not only is the pain part that’s connecting with me, but also it connects me with people too.  There’s a connection during the interaction that’s something that I crave to the depths of my soul as well.

I had never thought of myself as a masochist, but I’m becoming more and more comfortable identifying myself as such.  I love laying down knowing that I’m going to be whipped, spanked, flogged, and caned until I’m red hot and bright red.  My body reacts it’s thrilling and erotic.  It turns me on and gets everything just going.  I long for more intense interactions.  Yep, time to just face the facts…I’m a masochist.  No, just side about it.

New Play Partners

I gotta say I love my friends.  I have a surprise weekend away from kids this weekend and as soon as I found out my whole body started to just come alive.  I needed to play already and needed it badly, but it was looking as if this weekend was going to be a no go.  However, *insert eyebrow wiggle* my pleas did not go unnoticed by some of my friends and what do ya know, but I have new playmates to play with…yeah for me.

I have noticed that I really need to get one of those benches to the left…replace the gag with a blindfold and already juices just start ahhh flowing.  There was a time when that thought would scare me but now, it’s so erotically exciting there just aren’t words for it.  Just thinking about it gets me wet and giggly.  I have come to accept that I’m definitely a maso, not quite a pain slut, but give it time.

Last night was a tad different than the other times that I have played..more painful than massagy.  The toys were harder and different.  There wasn’t a long warm up with softer leather floggers.  These were a hard leather and more stingy that thuddy although they did have some thud to them, they also had a cut to them…it was nice..took a little getting used to and I had to process through a bit but it was a great experience.  There was a lot of belt use and more spanking spanking, bare handed, which I really kind liked.  Lol, even pushing my ass was really cool.  And there was a metal spatula that I just know someone would love…especially after it was placed in the freezer.

There was a small amount of ice play which was cool, no pun intended, but let me just say that ice water dropping down into the arm pit is flippin cold.  Also, last night there was ticklin…wtf…I was sqruimin more from that than the ouchies.  Seriously, who would think that tickling would be what would drive me crazy.  For the record…yes the ass crack can be very ticklish, even after being beat bright red.

So far, all of my play has involved couples, and I have to say that I like that.  For some reason, it’s more comfortable for me.  I’m not sure exactly why yet.  But I do enjoy having more than one person around.  Maybe because of the more playful atmosphere that surrounds the experience…it’s a possibility.

I have definitely come to the conclusion that myself preservation filter turns off when I start hitting happy land.  IE. The you can hit harder statements come out…or the I really don’t care for the fru fru flogger can you hit me with a more ouchie one.  Yep, I’m definitely becoming a maso.

Another thing that I’m curious about is that so far, with the exclusion of the first time, play has stopped before I was really ready to stop.  Now, I’ve been playing with experienced people so I’m not sure if it’s just because they can tell that I’m done…or if I’m just not being pushed far enough.  It’s something that I’ll have to explore a bit at a later time. I’m still very new to the maso stuff and it could be that they are still keeping me to that point of growth without punching through boundaries.

All in all I’m very happy with the way things are going.  This is a place I wish I could have gotten to with other in my life…communication folks, open communication.  Stifling communication is never a good thing.  Keep the lines open…that is the best advice I can ever give anyone.  And there are ways that communication closes that you may not even be aware of, but if you keep telling someone that a subject is off limits, sooner or later it really is and everyone misses out.

Just Do It Already

Okay, not sure what my problem is, but for some reason I keep putting off starting to write stories.  I don’t get it. I love writing and it’s sort of frustrating that every time I think I should start writing I choose to do something else.  Is it something important?? NO, because that would be too easy.  So just why am I being so hesitant?

Well, I think the biggest part is fear.  What if I put together this whole project and no one likes it? To put your creative endeavors out there is risky and scary.  You open yourself up to criticism and judgment.  You also open yourself up to failure. 

I think part of it is that I’ve just now started rebuilding my self-esteem and I’m not sure I could handle the blow or the stress.  Part of me really wants to go through with it.  I have learned how to make and market eBooks, hell, I even know where to go so that I could have it made in a soft cover.  But I’m scared that it will be a failure, but oddly, I’m afraid of it being successful just as equally. 

How do I handle that?  I know that success shouldn’t be a scary as failing but it is.  I know some of the people around me would be very happy at my success, but just as many will be upset by it.  And then there is the, why did I not do this sooner? And of course if the first venture is successful…can I duplicate it.

So many thoughts and ideas on it, but none of it matters unless I actually sit down and start writing.  I need to get into the world that I want to create and start creating it…the sights, smells, and feel of the place.  I need to lose myself there and write it.  I like being very visual and textural in my writing. I love taking myself and people to the scene.  But I also know that I’m very much an amateur writer.  Even though I have taken plenty of writing courses and have had numerous compliments on my writing.  It’s still not at a high level.  Not where I would like it to be.  And well, I can’t write dialog worth shit.  And I fear that for now, so much of my work is one dimensional because of it.  Well, I guess the only way for me to develop it, is to just start doing it. 

Okay, can ya tell I’m stalling yet??

You're Not Doing It Right

Okay, so today is a day like most any other day…I’m playing some facebook games, walking on the glider, messing with the kiddo, and chatting on facebook and twitter.  Well, one of my twitter friends said that someone when off on one of her posts.  Being the curious one that I am, I slipped on over to see what was what.

Well, I read what was said, and shesh *smacks self on the forehead*, it was one of those, if your life doesn’t look like mine you are doing it wrong posts.  It went on to say just how hard this lifestyle is and how much more difficult than a vanilla one.  It also went on to say just how difficult the lifestyle is when one has kids…darn near impossible you would believe from her post.

There are times when one is ill and cant do the things that they normally do and thus they feel guilt…and as we are so service oriented that guilt runs over from time to time.  Having kids, not a lot different either, just make sure there are good locks on the doors.  And well, as for being harder, overall I would say it’s not…it has it’s good parts and it’s bad.  But neither is easy, it’s a relationship and they take work.

No relationship is set up the same, even if the basic principle maybe the same.  There are some slaves that could do tons of things I never would be allowed to do or say.  But, that’s how their relationship is..and if it works for them, that’s wonderful.  There are some relationships where everything is micromanaged, personally, that would drive me crazy; but if it works for them, that’s wonderful.  It comes down to personal relationships and the development between the people in it.

Now, I won’t say that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all, but I will say that if you don’t have something constructive to say…keep your mouth shut!

Victory!!

YEAH!! I did it!! *PARTY* yep, that’s right, I accomplished my goal and I walked 10 miles today.  YES!! I am so proud of myself.  To think, it was just at the beginning of this month that it was so difficult to just walk one mile and here I am 26 days later, and I walked 10 miles. At a pretty good clip too.  Okay well, it is true that today I did all my miles on the gazelle glider and it took me just under 90 minutes.

For now, I’m going to keep at the 10 mile distance but I want to decrease the amount of time that it takes me to do it.  I want to spend at least a week with the goal of just staying under 90 mins.  After a week, I want to see what a reasonable time to decrease to as a goal.  I want to continue to push myself until I reach my goals, but I want them to be attainable for my fitness level.

I’m going to start weighing myself on the first of February and then again on the first of March.  Hopefully, I’ll see a large decrease in the total.  I’m going to try and NOT get obsessive about the weighing part, as I have a tendency to do just that.  However, I really want to stay on track. 

This is probably the most stable emotionally that I have been in a long time, and I’m enjoying it.  For now, I can see me hanging on to that stability at the very least long enough to start seeing a difference in myself.  And, long enough that depression is not going to side swipe me.  This past year I have been suffering from depression.  Not that I knew that that’s exactly what it was.  And at first it was scaring the crap out of me.   Suddenly, I was unable to control my emotions or my reactions to things.  I felt unstable and that just made things worse on all fronts.  My relationships suffered; I suffered.  It’s a year I hope to never repeat again.

But knowledge is power, and I have an understanding of what was going on.  It did get to the point that I went to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me, and I have been put on medication for it.  But, even the meds are not a quick fix; there is still a great deal of work that needs to be done, as well as time. 

There is a lot of work to be done, and thankfully I have been given the time and the space to do it in.  I’m growing and learning every day.  Some days are always easier than others, but I do know one thing…that for every day for the last 26 days I have had ONE victory.  I WALKED! And today, I walked 10 miles, and that my friends is a WONDERFUL feeling.

Free and Yet Not

This life is a funny thing.  Even now, I know that I’m only unowned because my Master has said that I can be; however, it would only take Him showing up…telling me that this little stint is over and it’s time to come home for me to do exactly that.  Some things there is no freedom from and for me this is one.  No matter where my life takes me or how things change some things are eternal.  This freedom that I have been granted now is only at His choosing…whether He knows that or not…or whether He exercises His choice on telling me to end this nonsense.

Although, what is happening now and what happened before was and is far from nonsense, my heart and soul still call to Him.  Wanting, needing and pleading for the life that I crave and see with every ounce of my being.  Did I want to be released…no; unfortunately at this time I needed to be.  And fortunately, I had a Master who understood this.

I am doing well, and I’m thankful for this time that I’m being given, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that things were different.  I do.  There are days when I wish He would come in the door, walk up to me, put His hand around the back of my neck with His thumb over my jugular, and tell me that enough is enough.  That He would take me into the bedroom and spank me, beat me until tears are following…until all the pent up emotions and hurts are eased in that cathartic and bonding moments.  To fall into Him, as He wipes the hurt and tears away, and then to laugh and play once again, that’s something that is still just in my dreams.  But it doesn’t end the longing to be His, to be complete, to be pleasing, to be of use *not be used…BIG difference*.

It’s kind of scary to know that I have given someone power over me like that, but I did, and I have.  To know that all it would take is one simple action or word, and things would be back to the way they were.  Hopefully, things will never be like they were, but better with us both having a better understanding of each other, a stronger friendship, a deeper foundation…and much much better communication. 

I know one day everything will come back together, and I know that right now is not that time.  Even if my fantasies might be telling me different, this is the time for me to find my feet.  It may seem odd that the best thing that He could do for me was let me go…but in reality, that may have been exactly what I needed. 

I have been granted this time to work upon myself…to better myself.  To build myself a strong foundation that in the end I know will benefit Him.  Right now, I can’t/couldn’t handle the pressure of being His.  Constantly feeling as though I was failing at every turn, when in truth, I was only failing myself.  But I was getting myself in such a state that it was detrimental to me and to my value as His slave.

I have been working hard upon myself.  Utilizing this time as best as I can so that this time is as productive as possible and so that I can get back to where I know I belong.  I have been exercising like a madwoman, but I started slowly have built my way up.  Today, I actually walked 8 miles, yes, that’s right eight miles.  I am hoping to walk 10 miles tomorrow and stay with 10 for awhile. 

Things are looking up.  I’m starting new projects; projects that will ultimately blend well for when things do get back on track.  There are still some things that I want to learn how to make. And there are some other situations that I have to work through still.  It’s still not a walk in the park, but every day brings me closer to having things together; myself together.  I am getting stronger every day, and that can only be a good thing.