It's Not Always Easy

I think I have started and erased about 10 drafts of today’s post.  I want to just pour out my feelings and frustrations, my fears and anxieties, my hurt and pain; but I stop and remember that doing so would ultimately be counterproductive to the ultimate outcome that I want for my life.  And so I erase all that I have written and try to start over.  I only wish I could erase everything as easily but alas, I cannot.

Make no mistake the last couple days has not actually been easy for me.  I want to cry, scream, and shake someone important to me.  I want us to start really healing and moving forward.  I don’t feel like we are moving forward.  I feel as though we are stuck in the same place we were months ago.  I miss our connection. I miss the laughter and playing.  I miss seeing mischievous eyes shining in my direction.  I miss feeling safe and cared about.  It seems like it has been so long since I really felt that.

I know I can be happy.  And I know that one day I’ll be sharing laughter and mischievous smiles.  I think that’s one of the reasons I like to play so much.  It is the connection that happens.  One day I will have the laughter, the connection, the feeling of safety that happens even though I’m at the mercy of another, I am completely helpless and yet I feel safe.

I know that one event could very well change things in a positive direction and I think that’s what bothers me.  I’m willing to jump and take the risk that it will, and yet, I can’t be the only one willing to take that risk.  Some are comfortable in the status quo, make no waves…well darn it…life is meant to be lived…fully lived.  I am here to live…not languish away waiting for something to spur a spark.  Sometimes, you have to just make that spark happen.  Take a chance, you may win, you may lose, but damn at least you know you went down kicking and screaming doing every damn thing you could.

I can't make another take that risk.  I can’t make them take that chance.  But, then that leaves me with a choice as well, how long to I wait for them to take that chance.  Right now, I don’t know.  At times, it’s easy to just accept the status quo and go with the flow and at others…I’ll be damned but I want to go over and shake things up.  Things won’t ever change unless you are brave enough to change them.

Well this was a lovely rambling post.  I’m not sure any of it made any sense at all. I hope I helped someone in my chaotic ramblings.