Service Drop?

Is there a service drop?  We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub.  Do they experience a drop as well?  To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking.  Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see.  It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life.  After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking.  I knew it was something that would benefit Him.  It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires.  **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in.  Why was I still thinking as His slave would?  Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can?  I’m not His anymore.  Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things?  *and I started to crash and crash hard*  I was feeling pathetic and worthless.  **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**

I started feeling worthless and used.  Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene.  *click* And I started thinking.  So what about that?  After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay.  But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays?  And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay.  You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop.  I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced.  But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from.  It didn’t make sense to have such reactions.  And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master.  We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around.  I love this lifestyle.  The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am.  Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so.  If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this.  It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.

What A Mess

There are days when I wish I had stayed oblivious to the lifestyle.  Just know there was something missing in me but not know what it was.  Trust me there are days that knowing what it is and knowing that it takes to fill that need is almost just as frustrating.  But I can’t pretend in a vanilla world.  I’m not vanilla; I have needs and wants that go beyond that world.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure myself.  But then when I look at my relationships they are all so similar it’s almost frightening.

I’ve always been attracted to very dominant or confident men.  Sometimes, I would just meet someone that was confident in one area.  However, if that didn’t pan out into other areas of life I soon found myself looking for a way to end things.  I have actually had many short term relationships.  I’ve never really been one to hold on to something that wasn’t going anywhere.  Now, there were two long term relationships that I’ve been in…one being my failed marriage, which I knew was doomed even before it started, but I tried to force myself into a vanilla world without even realizing that’s what I was doing.

Then I found the M/s world, and things just seemed to make sense.  Everything was feeling right.  I felt like I finally found the missing piece and the person to help me put them together.  I was excited…everything seems to have a new flavor and direction.  I finally figured out what was missing.

Unfortunately, my life turned out more vanilla than anything else.  I was frustrated, angry, and confused.  I was feeling like an employee and not anything more.  I wanted a life not a job, and I didn’t know how to express myself well.  I started to think that maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pieces didn’t fit like I thought they should.  I started doubting myself.  I started doubting who I was with, and why.  I had turned my life upside down and it seemed like it was all just a horrible mistake.  I started to feel that I wasn’t meant for this lifestyle.  I began not trusting my judgment and the judgment of the one I was with…it started a huge downward spiral in my psyche.  I didn’t trust myself anymore and started to be scared of everything.

Well, I started getting with a group of lifestyle people here.  Forming friendships and drinking coffee with them, I started to see how their lives were formed.  I watched their interactions and again, the lifestyle just called to the very heart of me.  This generally increased my frustration and my longing for something more than what was going on.  I didn’t want vanilla but what I had wasn’t working either.  I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t see what was in front of me at all.  I needed something drastic to change.  But there was no change coming, and I couldn’t stay on the road that I was any longer.

Well, I continued to talk with my lifestyle friends and my experience has grown so much.  I now know that I am right for the lifestyle.  I have experienced more and need more.  I owe a great deal to my real time friends in the lifestyle, without them, I would have probably left the lifestyle, feeling that it just wasn’t right for me.  But I know different now, I want and need to be actively in the lifestyle, not a passive spectator.  I need this life with every fiber of my being.  I have no doubt about that now.  And even though, I am still fearful of being hurt, I am doing my best to stay open to the one person I have always wanted to share this lifestyle with.  But that too brings up fearful thoughts.  I don’t want to start another actual relationship; I don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt again.  I think it’s the known quantity of it that still has me there.  I know what to expect even if I know that that’s not enough.  I keep hoping for a change, some spark to make it different.  But I still don’t see it. 

While I’m no longer wondering in the dark, I still have no idea where I’m going.  I don’t trust many people.  Oddly, I find that trusting people is much harder for me than it once was…whenever someone pops up and wants to have things more than friends, I get fearful and uncertain.  And I don’t just want play partners either…I swear I’m still messed in the head sometimes.  I want and need the lifestyle yet, I’m too scared to let anyone in…and I know this is not going to work.  To have the life I want, I have to let someone in…what a mess.

It's Not Always Easy

I think I have started and erased about 10 drafts of today’s post.  I want to just pour out my feelings and frustrations, my fears and anxieties, my hurt and pain; but I stop and remember that doing so would ultimately be counterproductive to the ultimate outcome that I want for my life.  And so I erase all that I have written and try to start over.  I only wish I could erase everything as easily but alas, I cannot.

Make no mistake the last couple days has not actually been easy for me.  I want to cry, scream, and shake someone important to me.  I want us to start really healing and moving forward.  I don’t feel like we are moving forward.  I feel as though we are stuck in the same place we were months ago.  I miss our connection. I miss the laughter and playing.  I miss seeing mischievous eyes shining in my direction.  I miss feeling safe and cared about.  It seems like it has been so long since I really felt that.

I know I can be happy.  And I know that one day I’ll be sharing laughter and mischievous smiles.  I think that’s one of the reasons I like to play so much.  It is the connection that happens.  One day I will have the laughter, the connection, the feeling of safety that happens even though I’m at the mercy of another, I am completely helpless and yet I feel safe.

I know that one event could very well change things in a positive direction and I think that’s what bothers me.  I’m willing to jump and take the risk that it will, and yet, I can’t be the only one willing to take that risk.  Some are comfortable in the status quo, make no waves…well darn it…life is meant to be lived…fully lived.  I am here to live…not languish away waiting for something to spur a spark.  Sometimes, you have to just make that spark happen.  Take a chance, you may win, you may lose, but damn at least you know you went down kicking and screaming doing every damn thing you could.

I can't make another take that risk.  I can’t make them take that chance.  But, then that leaves me with a choice as well, how long to I wait for them to take that chance.  Right now, I don’t know.  At times, it’s easy to just accept the status quo and go with the flow and at others…I’ll be damned but I want to go over and shake things up.  Things won’t ever change unless you are brave enough to change them.

Well this was a lovely rambling post.  I’m not sure any of it made any sense at all. I hope I helped someone in my chaotic ramblings.

If Only

Free and Yet Not

This life is a funny thing.  Even now, I know that I’m only unowned because my Master has said that I can be; however, it would only take Him showing up…telling me that this little stint is over and it’s time to come home for me to do exactly that.  Some things there is no freedom from and for me this is one.  No matter where my life takes me or how things change some things are eternal.  This freedom that I have been granted now is only at His choosing…whether He knows that or not…or whether He exercises His choice on telling me to end this nonsense.

Although, what is happening now and what happened before was and is far from nonsense, my heart and soul still call to Him.  Wanting, needing and pleading for the life that I crave and see with every ounce of my being.  Did I want to be released…no; unfortunately at this time I needed to be.  And fortunately, I had a Master who understood this.

I am doing well, and I’m thankful for this time that I’m being given, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that things were different.  I do.  There are days when I wish He would come in the door, walk up to me, put His hand around the back of my neck with His thumb over my jugular, and tell me that enough is enough.  That He would take me into the bedroom and spank me, beat me until tears are following…until all the pent up emotions and hurts are eased in that cathartic and bonding moments.  To fall into Him, as He wipes the hurt and tears away, and then to laugh and play once again, that’s something that is still just in my dreams.  But it doesn’t end the longing to be His, to be complete, to be pleasing, to be of use *not be used…BIG difference*.

It’s kind of scary to know that I have given someone power over me like that, but I did, and I have.  To know that all it would take is one simple action or word, and things would be back to the way they were.  Hopefully, things will never be like they were, but better with us both having a better understanding of each other, a stronger friendship, a deeper foundation…and much much better communication. 

I know one day everything will come back together, and I know that right now is not that time.  Even if my fantasies might be telling me different, this is the time for me to find my feet.  It may seem odd that the best thing that He could do for me was let me go…but in reality, that may have been exactly what I needed. 

I have been granted this time to work upon myself…to better myself.  To build myself a strong foundation that in the end I know will benefit Him.  Right now, I can’t/couldn’t handle the pressure of being His.  Constantly feeling as though I was failing at every turn, when in truth, I was only failing myself.  But I was getting myself in such a state that it was detrimental to me and to my value as His slave.

I have been working hard upon myself.  Utilizing this time as best as I can so that this time is as productive as possible and so that I can get back to where I know I belong.  I have been exercising like a madwoman, but I started slowly have built my way up.  Today, I actually walked 8 miles, yes, that’s right eight miles.  I am hoping to walk 10 miles tomorrow and stay with 10 for awhile. 

Things are looking up.  I’m starting new projects; projects that will ultimately blend well for when things do get back on track.  There are still some things that I want to learn how to make. And there are some other situations that I have to work through still.  It’s still not a walk in the park, but every day brings me closer to having things together; myself together.  I am getting stronger every day, and that can only be a good thing.

I Could Really Use A Beating

i could so use a good spanking.  Wow, words i never really thought i would say, but here i am saying it.  my mind is scattered and unfocused.  Thoughts jumble in my head, i keep trying to look for a bigger picture instead of staying in the now.

Really, it is amazing how a good spanking can bring clarity and focus.  Now while, i'm not up to the intensity of the photo shown, i'm thinking i maybe getting close to it.  i want to push myself to that area...i feel it calling to me daily even. 

For now, it's a test and push of myself that i want.  The deeper meaning and emotions...well, those just arent going to happen.  Alas, the person that i most wanted to take that trip with is not one that is going to go there with me.  i am fortunate to have friends that i can get this release with...in a safe way.  That may very well tied me over until i can find someone to share this life with.

You cant imagine the pull, want and need...to submit so someone in this way, wholly completely.  To surrender to it.  It's something that has been denied too long.  This is a wonderful life, and sometimes, you have to fight to live it.



To post a comment you have to hit tab to get the captcha thing...dont know why that's just the way it is.

Collar

I can’t tell you how many times a day I find myself touching my collar. It’s a habit now, good or bad, well…I think it’s a good thing. Whenever I am stressed, I find that I have my hand on my collar. It comforts me and reminds me of Master. And when I think about it, my collar is a lot like Master.  I love to feel its weight upon me; it’s strong and secure; yet flexible as needed. It has its hard places, but it has its soft ones too. I love to feel it wrapped around me, just as I love to be wrapped up in Master. I never really thought about how similar it they were until today, but the more I think about my collar the more I realize how deeply I am His. So for me, my collar is more than a symbol of my submission to my Master, it is a representation of Master Himself. My strength, security, restraint, and my comfort, my Master is all these things and so much more.