Service Drop?

Is there a service drop?  We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub.  Do they experience a drop as well?  To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking.  Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see.  It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life.  After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking.  I knew it was something that would benefit Him.  It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires.  **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in.  Why was I still thinking as His slave would?  Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can?  I’m not His anymore.  Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things?  *and I started to crash and crash hard*  I was feeling pathetic and worthless.  **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**

I started feeling worthless and used.  Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene.  *click* And I started thinking.  So what about that?  After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay.  But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays?  And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay.  You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop.  I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced.  But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from.  It didn’t make sense to have such reactions.  And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master.  We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there. 

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around.  I love this lifestyle.  The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am.  Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so.  If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this.  It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.

What A Mess

There are days when I wish I had stayed oblivious to the lifestyle.  Just know there was something missing in me but not know what it was.  Trust me there are days that knowing what it is and knowing that it takes to fill that need is almost just as frustrating.  But I can’t pretend in a vanilla world.  I’m not vanilla; I have needs and wants that go beyond that world.  There was a time when I wasn’t sure myself.  But then when I look at my relationships they are all so similar it’s almost frightening.

I’ve always been attracted to very dominant or confident men.  Sometimes, I would just meet someone that was confident in one area.  However, if that didn’t pan out into other areas of life I soon found myself looking for a way to end things.  I have actually had many short term relationships.  I’ve never really been one to hold on to something that wasn’t going anywhere.  Now, there were two long term relationships that I’ve been in…one being my failed marriage, which I knew was doomed even before it started, but I tried to force myself into a vanilla world without even realizing that’s what I was doing.

Then I found the M/s world, and things just seemed to make sense.  Everything was feeling right.  I felt like I finally found the missing piece and the person to help me put them together.  I was excited…everything seems to have a new flavor and direction.  I finally figured out what was missing.

Unfortunately, my life turned out more vanilla than anything else.  I was frustrated, angry, and confused.  I was feeling like an employee and not anything more.  I wanted a life not a job, and I didn’t know how to express myself well.  I started to think that maybe I was wrong.  Maybe the pieces didn’t fit like I thought they should.  I started doubting myself.  I started doubting who I was with, and why.  I had turned my life upside down and it seemed like it was all just a horrible mistake.  I started to feel that I wasn’t meant for this lifestyle.  I began not trusting my judgment and the judgment of the one I was with…it started a huge downward spiral in my psyche.  I didn’t trust myself anymore and started to be scared of everything.

Well, I started getting with a group of lifestyle people here.  Forming friendships and drinking coffee with them, I started to see how their lives were formed.  I watched their interactions and again, the lifestyle just called to the very heart of me.  This generally increased my frustration and my longing for something more than what was going on.  I didn’t want vanilla but what I had wasn’t working either.  I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t see what was in front of me at all.  I needed something drastic to change.  But there was no change coming, and I couldn’t stay on the road that I was any longer.

Well, I continued to talk with my lifestyle friends and my experience has grown so much.  I now know that I am right for the lifestyle.  I have experienced more and need more.  I owe a great deal to my real time friends in the lifestyle, without them, I would have probably left the lifestyle, feeling that it just wasn’t right for me.  But I know different now, I want and need to be actively in the lifestyle, not a passive spectator.  I need this life with every fiber of my being.  I have no doubt about that now.  And even though, I am still fearful of being hurt, I am doing my best to stay open to the one person I have always wanted to share this lifestyle with.  But that too brings up fearful thoughts.  I don’t want to start another actual relationship; I don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt again.  I think it’s the known quantity of it that still has me there.  I know what to expect even if I know that that’s not enough.  I keep hoping for a change, some spark to make it different.  But I still don’t see it. 

While I’m no longer wondering in the dark, I still have no idea where I’m going.  I don’t trust many people.  Oddly, I find that trusting people is much harder for me than it once was…whenever someone pops up and wants to have things more than friends, I get fearful and uncertain.  And I don’t just want play partners either…I swear I’m still messed in the head sometimes.  I want and need the lifestyle yet, I’m too scared to let anyone in…and I know this is not going to work.  To have the life I want, I have to let someone in…what a mess.

It's Not Always Easy

I think I have started and erased about 10 drafts of today’s post.  I want to just pour out my feelings and frustrations, my fears and anxieties, my hurt and pain; but I stop and remember that doing so would ultimately be counterproductive to the ultimate outcome that I want for my life.  And so I erase all that I have written and try to start over.  I only wish I could erase everything as easily but alas, I cannot.

Make no mistake the last couple days has not actually been easy for me.  I want to cry, scream, and shake someone important to me.  I want us to start really healing and moving forward.  I don’t feel like we are moving forward.  I feel as though we are stuck in the same place we were months ago.  I miss our connection. I miss the laughter and playing.  I miss seeing mischievous eyes shining in my direction.  I miss feeling safe and cared about.  It seems like it has been so long since I really felt that.

I know I can be happy.  And I know that one day I’ll be sharing laughter and mischievous smiles.  I think that’s one of the reasons I like to play so much.  It is the connection that happens.  One day I will have the laughter, the connection, the feeling of safety that happens even though I’m at the mercy of another, I am completely helpless and yet I feel safe.

I know that one event could very well change things in a positive direction and I think that’s what bothers me.  I’m willing to jump and take the risk that it will, and yet, I can’t be the only one willing to take that risk.  Some are comfortable in the status quo, make no waves…well darn it…life is meant to be lived…fully lived.  I am here to live…not languish away waiting for something to spur a spark.  Sometimes, you have to just make that spark happen.  Take a chance, you may win, you may lose, but damn at least you know you went down kicking and screaming doing every damn thing you could.

I can't make another take that risk.  I can’t make them take that chance.  But, then that leaves me with a choice as well, how long to I wait for them to take that chance.  Right now, I don’t know.  At times, it’s easy to just accept the status quo and go with the flow and at others…I’ll be damned but I want to go over and shake things up.  Things won’t ever change unless you are brave enough to change them.

Well this was a lovely rambling post.  I’m not sure any of it made any sense at all. I hope I helped someone in my chaotic ramblings.

If Only

You're Not Doing It Right

Okay, so today is a day like most any other day…I’m playing some facebook games, walking on the glider, messing with the kiddo, and chatting on facebook and twitter.  Well, one of my twitter friends said that someone when off on one of her posts.  Being the curious one that I am, I slipped on over to see what was what.

Well, I read what was said, and shesh *smacks self on the forehead*, it was one of those, if your life doesn’t look like mine you are doing it wrong posts.  It went on to say just how hard this lifestyle is and how much more difficult than a vanilla one.  It also went on to say just how difficult the lifestyle is when one has kids…darn near impossible you would believe from her post.

There are times when one is ill and cant do the things that they normally do and thus they feel guilt…and as we are so service oriented that guilt runs over from time to time.  Having kids, not a lot different either, just make sure there are good locks on the doors.  And well, as for being harder, overall I would say it’s not…it has it’s good parts and it’s bad.  But neither is easy, it’s a relationship and they take work.

No relationship is set up the same, even if the basic principle maybe the same.  There are some slaves that could do tons of things I never would be allowed to do or say.  But, that’s how their relationship is..and if it works for them, that’s wonderful.  There are some relationships where everything is micromanaged, personally, that would drive me crazy; but if it works for them, that’s wonderful.  It comes down to personal relationships and the development between the people in it.

Now, I won’t say that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all, but I will say that if you don’t have something constructive to say…keep your mouth shut!

Free and Yet Not

This life is a funny thing.  Even now, I know that I’m only unowned because my Master has said that I can be; however, it would only take Him showing up…telling me that this little stint is over and it’s time to come home for me to do exactly that.  Some things there is no freedom from and for me this is one.  No matter where my life takes me or how things change some things are eternal.  This freedom that I have been granted now is only at His choosing…whether He knows that or not…or whether He exercises His choice on telling me to end this nonsense.

Although, what is happening now and what happened before was and is far from nonsense, my heart and soul still call to Him.  Wanting, needing and pleading for the life that I crave and see with every ounce of my being.  Did I want to be released…no; unfortunately at this time I needed to be.  And fortunately, I had a Master who understood this.

I am doing well, and I’m thankful for this time that I’m being given, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that things were different.  I do.  There are days when I wish He would come in the door, walk up to me, put His hand around the back of my neck with His thumb over my jugular, and tell me that enough is enough.  That He would take me into the bedroom and spank me, beat me until tears are following…until all the pent up emotions and hurts are eased in that cathartic and bonding moments.  To fall into Him, as He wipes the hurt and tears away, and then to laugh and play once again, that’s something that is still just in my dreams.  But it doesn’t end the longing to be His, to be complete, to be pleasing, to be of use *not be used…BIG difference*.

It’s kind of scary to know that I have given someone power over me like that, but I did, and I have.  To know that all it would take is one simple action or word, and things would be back to the way they were.  Hopefully, things will never be like they were, but better with us both having a better understanding of each other, a stronger friendship, a deeper foundation…and much much better communication. 

I know one day everything will come back together, and I know that right now is not that time.  Even if my fantasies might be telling me different, this is the time for me to find my feet.  It may seem odd that the best thing that He could do for me was let me go…but in reality, that may have been exactly what I needed. 

I have been granted this time to work upon myself…to better myself.  To build myself a strong foundation that in the end I know will benefit Him.  Right now, I can’t/couldn’t handle the pressure of being His.  Constantly feeling as though I was failing at every turn, when in truth, I was only failing myself.  But I was getting myself in such a state that it was detrimental to me and to my value as His slave.

I have been working hard upon myself.  Utilizing this time as best as I can so that this time is as productive as possible and so that I can get back to where I know I belong.  I have been exercising like a madwoman, but I started slowly have built my way up.  Today, I actually walked 8 miles, yes, that’s right eight miles.  I am hoping to walk 10 miles tomorrow and stay with 10 for awhile. 

Things are looking up.  I’m starting new projects; projects that will ultimately blend well for when things do get back on track.  There are still some things that I want to learn how to make. And there are some other situations that I have to work through still.  It’s still not a walk in the park, but every day brings me closer to having things together; myself together.  I am getting stronger every day, and that can only be a good thing.

A Day In The Life

Oh what a day. i was so warm and cozy in my bed that i truly did not want to get out of bed this morning. Alas, the oldest must get ready for school.  Open the door to the bedroom and what do i find but the door to the hamster cage open, and sure enough, one of the hamster has gotten loose.  And so the day begins with the hamster great escape part 2.

So we start getting the oldest ready for school; not an easy task as it's his hamster that's on the loose.  i'm trying to get the youngest to start cleaning up the room so i can move furniture to find the little rodent.  Even on a good day, it usually takes the youngest 2 to 3 days to finally clean his room getting him to clean it today was going to be a monumental task. However, getting the room clean is a must; the little escapee must be found before the great furry hunters find it...ie, the cats.

Well, with about half the room clean; i went and looked in the closet as that's where the little fuzzball was the first time, and sure enough there was the little bugger. After about 4 minutes of chasing the little sucker around it was finally secured in its cage once again. And the youngest continued to clean his room, under the threat of no lunch until it was done.

While, he was working on that, i got the kitchen clean, clothes in the wash, wrote a blog post, and completed my 2 mile walk. Yep, that's right folks, i'm up to walking 2 miles a day now.  i SO rock.

For a good part of the day, i worked on my blog.  my prior blog template was having some major issues with people not being able to leave comments.  It was very annoying as well, i like having comments....So that just wouldnt do at all.  It took a few hours of messing around until i got it the way i like it, and i think i like it even better than the one that i had.

This evening was spent celebrating my oldest son's report card.  He got to pick dinner, chicken and french fries, and we had ice cream for dessert, Fudge Tracks. My son did so well on his report card, 16 outstandings and 12 satisfactories, but i think the part that i'm most proud of was in the teacher's comments.  His teacher said that she could always count on my son to make the right choices.  For me, i thought that was the highest compliment that a kid could get.

i may have completely failed as my Master's slave; but i am a good mother, and when all is said and done, i think that's more important anyway. 

The Slow Death of the Pain Wimp

Wow, when everything starts to fall into place, it really falls into place. As most know, I was the confirmed pain wimp. *what wait a second WAS!!!* Yes, that’s right WAS the pain wimp. When did this miraculous development happen, you ask, well, it started a few months ago with my first into to the flogger, continued on Halloween, and then a major blow was dealt over thanksgiving week.

Let’s start with a bit of a refresher for those that haven’t followed my misadventures. I was a confirmed pain wimp. The thought of being spanked, punished, flogged, whipped…scared the daylights out of me. When I first moved down here to my Master just the sight of His paddle would make me shake *and not in a good way*…a swat with it or just about anything else sent restless nights my way. Slowly..that changed…a swat here and there..some playful banter to go with, and suddenly the panic receded and was replaced with a tad bit of wonder.

Then came the flogger…it’s a soft suede one, and not ouchie at all. A great starter one I would say. And as I became used to it…I wanted more, wanted to see just how much more I could take…how much further I could go. I was excited as my fear started to slip and give way; a whole new side of things was opening up to me and I wanted to venture forth into it.

The next big step came on Halloween when I attended a play party. I was extremely nervous but it was wonderful to see and watch as subs and slaves were put through their paces so to speak. Later in the evening I had relaxed and felt comfortable enough myself that I bravely was taken to the spanking bench. Mind you this was the first time I had ever been actually placed anywhere for the distinct purpose of being spanked/paddles/flogged. I was so nervous, but fortunately I had great people supporting me, including another sub/slave that stayed right by me and talked and watched me as it happened. I think that gave me the confidence to get up on that bench. Being on there was an excerise in processing…double time as I had one spanking me with a paddle and another with a flogger. Wow, the sensations that were going through me as I would process things was amazing. At times I was able to process things well and just get just to being hit, and then WACK a really hard one that would be difficult to process but not over the edge. It would just bring me close enough to know that I could handle it…then they would back down a bit as a processed through the pain. This went on for about 30mins…at times it was lovely, and at times very very intense as I would be hit quickly in succession. Getting down off the bench I was shaky and so excited about what I had done. Having everyone there and watching me was a bonus as well, and that too was an experience. To have people watching as I was getting my beating. About 20mins off of the bench I was ready to hop back up there…and the addiction was truly born.

Over Thanksgiving, I think a critical hit was taken by the pain wimp. To start with the whole experience was different from the time I stepped through the door. Attitude, atmosphere…everything was fresh and new. I was immediately told to strip naked **a first for in the home** and was shackled both ankles and wrists. Was told that I had to ask permission for everything except to use the bathroom **another first**. I knew this week would be different from any other and that I would be delving deeper into the lifestyle than I had before...i was nervous and excited. New things started almost immediately…nipple clamps *still don’t like those*, a push pin rolling wheel *not too bad until it’s rolled over the nipples and placed under the tits for a while (I have large heavy breast so it started hurting), then a metal comb what made my entire back marked and sensitive, next came the whip..now I was really nervous. Whips scare me the sound remind me of dark days..but I was curious as to how it would feel. Having watched it being used at the Halloween party, I was excited to have it used on me too. There were so many mixed emotions going on, that I had to let go of them or drive myself crazy and so I did. Then there was that first slap…ouchie…then..mmm…I kinda like that…and again and again. Then a snappy hit..ouchie *holy shit didn’t like that* and another slappy hit..okay I like that one. Slowly I was learning not only what I liked and didn’t like, but what I could and couldn’t handle. After a short while I was taken to another area to be laid on a table…now it was time for the paddles, floggers, and canes.

Okay, now I’m all nervous again…and trying to remember to breathe…breathing is good. It started with some light flogging…yummy I love the floggers…**have learned not to make such a blanket statement** because as soon as I said that out comes this little innocent flogger. Ouchie, but that little fucker hurts…snappy like a rubber band..and ouchie annoying ouch. Then came the heavy thuddy flogger that when struck hard just about knocks the wind out of you…and I just wanted more. OMG I was in heaven, it hurt…but in such a good way, and the hard I was hit with it the more I liked it and the faster the better I just wanted more more more. Then WACK…holy fucking shit what the hell was that…and I met the cane. Talk about throwing me for a loop, insta tears and omg, if you hit me with that again…I’m gonna lose it. At that point play stopped for a bit as I was allowed time to process the hit. Damn but I don’t like that toy yet. Way too intense for me…but I was given time to relax again, and the flogging and paddling continued. Now, I don’t mind the paddles so much, but the little itty bitty paddles are ouchie after you have been hit in the same spot like 50 times…what starts out as not so bad becomes…okay you can move to a different spot now cause that’s starting to hurt like hell. Then came the introduction of the hitachi..omfg!! Okay I love that thing..wowza..and I now know that there can be too much of a good thing as once I was allowed to cum, mmm, I wasn’t allowed to stop…for a long time. *shakes head in disbelief* Never thought I would ask to be allowed NOT to cum, but…sure enough I found myself saying the words.

With the intensity of the day before the next day was not nearly as much, but it was by far my favorite day. I got to be a practice dolly for some flogging fun. It was wonderful. And again the harder and faster I was hit, the more intense it was and the more intense that more I loved it. As it was harder and faster the further I would start drifting and flying and it was a sensation that I just don’t have words for. It would build and build until I almost couldn’t stand it..and then out came the rabbit fur and boobies *smiles*. And there came the longing for more, harder faster…more more more.

Now that it’s been a few weeks since then there is this aching need to do it all again. A DEEP aching need. I want to see how far I can go this time..i want to push and be pushed over that edge. This has opened up a whole new world for me and it’s almost like starting at the very beginning. I’m so excited to see where this path will take me now. What things that I say I can’t do…will I be able to do in the future. That’s one wonderful thing about this lifestyle, is that there is always something to grow into and out of, deeper levels as growth and confidence start to come more into play.

Just What Kind of Property is a slave?

So often i hear of Masters that refer to their slave’s as property, which is fine and i agree with…but just what kind of property are They talking about.  So may refer to their slaves as being like a piece of furniture, a prized piece of jewelry, or a fancy sports car.  It’s those analogies that i personally have a problem with.  A slave is not an inanimate object, but a sentient being with thoughts and feelings.

A piece of furniture can be placed in a corner and forgotten about; jewelry placed in a box or drawer to hardly ever be seen or used…and that sports car can be placed in a garage rarely driven.  To those item no harm can come to them…there is no worry or concern for their mental well-being…they don’t have one.
A better analogy in my view…is that of a family pet.  Some pets have a job to do and tasks that must be done.  A pet is not always pleasing…sometimes they get into trouble.  Sometimes they think on their own **think of that prized mouse catch or the slobber filled slippers**.  If you place a pet away from interaction it will forget it’s place and the rules that it’s to live by.  A pet will get lonely, a pet will act out, a pet will feel hurt and sad, as well as, happy and playful.  A pet will have good days and bad, but no matter what..it’s still owned and it’s still just a pet. Most pets are prized for the place that they fill be that as a work animal or as a companion.  A pet can suffer neglect the same as a slave…not from intent, but simply by owners who didn’t understand the responsibility that comes with having one. Pets need reassurances in much the same way a slave does…they need to be told that they are good and loved.  And they need to be disciplined when they misbehave.

There are so many correlations between a slave and a pet, that i could go on and on, but i think that by now you have caught my meaning.

Reflection

i think it's important to always remember that we are a reflection of our Masters both online and off.  One should always think about how their words and actions reflect upon their Master.  i had the unfortunate experience recently of watching a slave be complete rude to an entire group of people, so much so that i had to wonder why she chose to be there.  She was not only being a poor reflection upon her Master but with the group she was with as well.  Then there is the rude behavior the flourishes online.  This behavior is often disguised and well "i'm just telling it like it is".   i firmly believe in conveying one's experiences especially when they differ from others as it gives a more broad view of the lifestyle and people can see just how different every relationship is from another; however, there is a tactful way to do so which is informative and non-confrontational.  Which do you think is a better reflection?


Another important thing to keep in mind when reading blogs around the net is the fact that they to are aware of the fact that their posts are also a reflection upon their Master.  It's only natural for them to reflect their Master's in a positive light.  Their words *including my own from time to time* sing the glowing praises of our Masters.   So i tend to focus on the good parts of our relationship, and not the frustrating ones.  While those in blog land might want to hear about the times that Master frustrates me so much i'd love to just shake Him; i don't think that airing that 'dirty laundry' is appropriate or a good reflections.  That and there are many times when words written in frustration can and do cause more harm than good.

Catch Me

Who will be there to catch my fall? In a perfect world i would love to say that my Master will always catch me, but in the real world, that doesn't always happen.  Ultimately, it's up to the individual to catch themselves.  Master's are wonderful and of course they try to be there for us as much as possible; however, they are human...they make mistakes...they let us down.  As my Master's slave it's my job to make His life easier and one of the ways that i do that is by being stable myself.
i think that it's dangerous and unstable to rely on a Master as your anchor in this world.  They should be but one of the stone used to build the foundation of your life.  A keystone even, but there should be other things in place to help you maintain emotional and physical stability. i think the best Master's teach their slave's to find the stability within themselves.  Help their slave's find that strength that's within us, foster it, and watch it blossom into the strength to handle the things that life puts before us.

Quiet Grace

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

There is something to be said for the ability to maintain a state of grace in turbulent and trying times. It is something that i try very hard to maintain as i feel that that's my job as my Master's slave. The world is a trying and turbulent place, it's my place to maintain a peaceful atmosphere for my Master to rest and recharge His batteries. One of the ways that i try to do this is to leave petty issues behind me. Holding on to the stress of the day myself will only create an atmosphere of tension which doesn't need to be in the home. The home should be a sanctuary from the pressures and turbulence of the outside world. A place to relax and be one's self.

Fostering a quiet grace is not easy. There are times when one wants to be petty, when things get to you that really shouldnt. Things that you know you should just let go but can't. It's at those times when it's good to reflect on the things to stop and mediate; find that quiet place within yourself.

Just because a Master is suppose to have His emotions under control, doesn't mean that it's something that should be tested. my job is to make things easier for my Master...and that includes not being a drain on His emotional and physical health. i always try to be a blessing and not a burden. And if you are feeling as though you are a burden, look inward and reflect, change how you are so that you can become that blessing in your Master's life.

Confession of a Pain Whimp

Okay okay i admit it. i like the flogger...okay more than like i LOVE it.  Now for those that know me, you all know that i'm a whimp when it comes to the ouchy things but curious as i am...i just had to know what a flogger felt like.  OMG, i think it was love at first swat.  Could this be my inner pain slut emerging through....well, lets not go quite that far yet.  But i could possibly see some more swats in my future.

Is it wrong to want to fall to my knees with the flogger in my hands and beg Master to swat my naked ass and pussy? I think about it often, fantasize day dream.  Wanting to feel that swat against my skin.  It's a new feeling and want...and like a kid that's been shown a cool new toy, i just cant get enough of it.

Who knows maybe a new love of nipple clamps and riding bats are on the horizon.  But for now, there is a definite love of the flogger.

Sub vs. Slave

i have seen this question posted in hundreds if not thousands of different places. i used to have a position on it, where a sub retained certain control over her life and a slave didn’t. Simplistic and down and dirty but the basics work. But my definition has changed a bit as i have grown in the lifestyle.

i am a slave, not because of some definition someone made but because that’s what my Master says i am. i have been told by other’s that such and such is not the actions of a slave or that some of my mannerisms where not slave like, and these statements would cause me great distress. But as i have grown in the lifestyle and in my life with my Master i have learned, although occasional setbacks arise that is doesn’t matter what others call me as long as my Master calls me His.

So call me a sub, a slave, even vanilla, it doesn’t really matter. Because the only name that matters is HIS, and as long as i am HIS, i am happy.

Collar

I can’t tell you how many times a day I find myself touching my collar. It’s a habit now, good or bad, well…I think it’s a good thing. Whenever I am stressed, I find that I have my hand on my collar. It comforts me and reminds me of Master. And when I think about it, my collar is a lot like Master.  I love to feel its weight upon me; it’s strong and secure; yet flexible as needed. It has its hard places, but it has its soft ones too. I love to feel it wrapped around me, just as I love to be wrapped up in Master. I never really thought about how similar it they were until today, but the more I think about my collar the more I realize how deeply I am His. So for me, my collar is more than a symbol of my submission to my Master, it is a representation of Master Himself. My strength, security, restraint, and my comfort, my Master is all these things and so much more.