Welcome to my sanctuary. This is a place for me to share the ups and downs of my life as a mother, woman, friend, and subbie. To revel in the triumphs and work through the difficult parts, but to always be me...the good...the bad...and the playful.
Another day and i'm still going strong. i'm feeling more confident everyday, with who i am and with what i'm doing. Of course, i only have to please myself and my kids now and it's easy to see that i am. i get satisfaction hearing them laugh and playing and joking with them. Everyday is a success when that happens.
i made it to day number 3 of walking my mile. Yeah, me! Also, my youngest has been following me on my loop most of the time and that's always fun, not to mention the benefit of the sun time. i went to a fish market today and got some lovely tuna for sushi and attempted to make my first homemade sushi...can we say FAIL!! Yes, my sticky rice decided to stick to everything...but itself; however, it still tasted good. It was some awesome tuna.
My walks have become a good time for self reflections and i'm thinking of taking my digital voice recorder with me and start recording my thoughts. i think some of it would make great blog posts on why i was feeling the way i was, and why this step was probably the best thing that we could have done. Maybe it will be able to help someone else that is where i was...and hopefully they wont have to take such steps to get themselves back on the right track. But my thoughts are still forming on that one, so it's going to have to wait just a tad longer in the brain development stage.
P.S. i actually folded the laundry too....hey i tell ya it's the small victories.
Another day down, *smiles* and it was another good day. i'm taking joy in the small accomplishments. The house is cleaner...always a good thing. It's really nice to hear the boys say "Great Job Mom". i even got them to clean their room today.
i had the bonus surprise of finding out that my holes hadnt closed in my ears, and i was able to put on some very special to me earrings. Maybe now, i can take off my collar...*or not* that's something that i havent been able to bring myself to do. i know i probably should, but well, sometimes it's just not that easy. And in a way, it reminds me why i want to get myself straightened out so much.
Okay, not sure who turned the Major AC on in florida, but it's frickin cold today!! But i didnt let that be an excuse for me not to go on my walk...so YES!!! i went on my mile trek around the complex. Two days in a row baby, i'm starting a streak. NO not THAT kind of streak, leastways not yet.
i pulled myself away from the computer a bit more today...a good thing, even though i love you all. But i'm not going to find my feet sitting on my ass in front of it. Not going to find a life either.
So far, so good though...i'm sure i'll have some dark days as well, but for now things are going ok. i've been reflecting on things a bit, on why i'm doing so well, and why it is that maybe taking things to this drastic measure was what i needed to do. When i get it settled in my head a bit better, i may delve into it.
Well, yesterday i sort of spent in a daze. i felt very disconnected and i'm so thankful to my friends that just didnt seem to stop cheering me up and putting a smile on my face. What can i say, ya just gotta love the plurverts *smiles*.
i couldnt sleep last night for anything, but on the plus side it wasn't from anxiety attacks so that's good. Although, morning is always too early when you dont get to sleep until 4am and the kiddos are up at 6 (lmao). But after about 30 minutes of being up and moving around, i began to perk up. i opened the blinds in the living room and let the clear blue sunshining day in; that, was quickly followed by opening the glass door and letting that crisp winter air in the house. i then played some facebook games *damn but those are addicting* until the sun was too bright to see the screen, then it was time to clean the kitchen. Yes, i actually cleaned my kitchen and bonus *bright smiles* i remembered to turn the dishwasher on. Which of course always helps if one wants some clean dishes.
On New Year's Eve, i had asked my oldest if there was one thing that mommy could do to make him happier, and bless his heart, he said that he wanted to start going for walks with his mommy again. It's something we used to do all the time, but given my issues this past year, it really hasnt been something that we have been doing. So, today...we went for a mile long walk. Okay, i walked a mile, he walked half a mile until one of his friends showed up, and then he was off playing. But, i did complete the mile walk...4 times around the center of our apartment complex, and i could feel better about it.
Then cause there were bills to be paid it was a trek to wally world, oh joy of joys. Actually, the boys were well behaved for once, and BONUS, they had a cheap exercise ball on sale with 3 DVDs with it. Yipee!!! I was excited and couldnt wait to get home to use it. And so we did, and i did, and OMG!!! Okay, word to the wise, put that behind you and do the crunches and let me tell ya, you are gonna feel it. That's one i'm going to have to becareful with as with my blood pressure issues, that makes me a little light headed. *yes, you can laugh.*
The day has finished off with me and the boys watching UP and eating popcorn. All in all it was a great day. i feel like i'm on the way to finding my feet and balance. i had some connection time with the boys. i'm planning a few things with my friends...maybe a girly night sleep over. So excited about that possiblity. Somehow, hitting rock bottom has a way of motivating you...and i'm motivated to turn my life around.
You feel like a candle in a hurricane
Just like a picture with a broken frame
Alone and helpless
Like you've lost your fight
But you'll be alright
[Chorus:]
Cause when push comes to shove
You taste what you're made of
You might bend, till you break
Cause its all you can take
On your knees you look up
Decide you've had enough
You get mad you get strong
Wipe your hands shake it off
Then you Stand, Then you stand
Life's like a novel
With the end ripped out
The edge of a canyon
With only one way down
Take what you're given before its gone
Start holding on, keep holding on
[Repeat Chorus]
Everytime you get up
And get back in the race
One more small piece of you
Starts to fall into place
Ooohhh
Someone asked me today what was the song that would best describe the coming year. Instantly this song came to mind. It definitely wraps up where i am, as now i'm trying to redefine myself and where i am. Sometimes you have to go all the way back to the beginning to find your way home again. i'm hoping i'm on that path now, but only time will tell.
Loving you
Isnt the right thing to do
How can I ever change things
That I feel
If I could
Maybe Id give you my world
How can i
When you wont take it from me
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
Tell me why
Everything turned around
Packing up
Shacking up is all you wanna do
If I could
Baby Id give you my world
Open up
Everythings waiting for you
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You an call it
Another lonely day (Another Lonely Day)
You can go your own way
Go your own way
You Can Call It
Another Lonely Day
Okay, so i joined another social site the other day. It's a BDSM lifestyle site which of course is just awesome. It has great potiental as it doesnt have the drawbacks yet of some of the bigger sites. For one, it's some small the trolls haven't found it yet. It's FREE!!! always a bonus. You can upload videos and pictures and the videos dont cost anything to watch..another bonus. There is also a chatroom. You can post messages and graphics on profiles, you can also add content to your profile...example a personal chatroom. There are of course the individual groups that can be made, and a blogging feature.
i highly recommend all people who are serious about the lifestyle and want to mentor and encourage new people to join and contribute to the site. i would love to see a site full of real people that are being real with each other.
The potiental here is immeasurable. i cant tell you just how excited i am about it.
fyi, i spend most of the day in the chatroom so stop on by and say hello :)
Wow, when everything starts to fall into place, it really falls into place. As most know, I was the confirmed pain wimp. *what wait a second WAS!!!* Yes, that’s right WAS the pain wimp. When did this miraculous development happen, you ask, well, it started a few months ago with my first into to the flogger, continued on Halloween, and then a major blow was dealt over thanksgiving week.
Let’s start with a bit of a refresher for those that haven’t followed my misadventures. I was a confirmed pain wimp. The thought of being spanked, punished, flogged, whipped…scared the daylights out of me. When I first moved down here to my Master just the sight of His paddle would make me shake *and not in a good way*…a swat with it or just about anything else sent restless nights my way. Slowly..that changed…a swat here and there..some playful banter to go with, and suddenly the panic receded and was replaced with a tad bit of wonder.
Then came the flogger…it’s a soft suede one, and not ouchie at all. A great starter one I would say. And as I became used to it…I wanted more, wanted to see just how much more I could take…how much further I could go. I was excited as my fear started to slip and give way; a whole new side of things was opening up to me and I wanted to venture forth into it.
The next big step came on Halloween when I attended a play party. I was extremely nervous but it was wonderful to see and watch as subs and slaves were put through their paces so to speak. Later in the evening I had relaxed and felt comfortable enough myself that I bravely was taken to the spanking bench. Mind you this was the first time I had ever been actually placed anywhere for the distinct purpose of being spanked/paddles/flogged. I was so nervous, but fortunately I had great people supporting me, including another sub/slave that stayed right by me and talked and watched me as it happened. I think that gave me the confidence to get up on that bench. Being on there was an excerise in processing…double time as I had one spanking me with a paddle and another with a flogger. Wow, the sensations that were going through me as I would process things was amazing. At times I was able to process things well and just get just to being hit, and then WACK a really hard one that would be difficult to process but not over the edge. It would just bring me close enough to know that I could handle it…then they would back down a bit as a processed through the pain. This went on for about 30mins…at times it was lovely, and at times very very intense as I would be hit quickly in succession. Getting down off the bench I was shaky and so excited about what I had done. Having everyone there and watching me was a bonus as well, and that too was an experience. To have people watching as I was getting my beating. About 20mins off of the bench I was ready to hop back up there…and the addiction was truly born.
Over Thanksgiving, I think a critical hit was taken by the pain wimp. To start with the whole experience was different from the time I stepped through the door. Attitude, atmosphere…everything was fresh and new. I was immediately told to strip naked **a first for in the home** and was shackled both ankles and wrists. Was told that I had to ask permission for everything except to use the bathroom **another first**. I knew this week would be different from any other and that I would be delving deeper into the lifestyle than I had before...i was nervous and excited. New things started almost immediately…nipple clamps *still don’t like those*, a push pin rolling wheel *not too bad until it’s rolled over the nipples and placed under the tits for a while (I have large heavy breast so it started hurting), then a metal comb what made my entire back marked and sensitive, next came the whip..now I was really nervous. Whips scare me the sound remind me of dark days..but I was curious as to how it would feel. Having watched it being used at the Halloween party, I was excited to have it used on me too. There were so many mixed emotions going on, that I had to let go of them or drive myself crazy and so I did. Then there was that first slap…ouchie…then..mmm…I kinda like that…and again and again. Then a snappy hit..ouchie *holy shit didn’t like that* and another slappy hit..okay I like that one. Slowly I was learning not only what I liked and didn’t like, but what I could and couldn’t handle. After a short while I was taken to another area to be laid on a table…now it was time for the paddles, floggers, and canes.
Okay, now I’m all nervous again…and trying to remember to breathe…breathing is good. It started with some light flogging…yummy I love the floggers…**have learned not to make such a blanket statement** because as soon as I said that out comes this little innocent flogger. Ouchie, but that little fucker hurts…snappy like a rubber band..and ouchie annoying ouch. Then came the heavy thuddy flogger that when struck hard just about knocks the wind out of you…and I just wanted more. OMG I was in heaven, it hurt…but in such a good way, and the hard I was hit with it the more I liked it and the faster the better I just wanted more more more. Then WACK…holy fucking shit what the hell was that…and I met the cane. Talk about throwing me for a loop, insta tears and omg, if you hit me with that again…I’m gonna lose it. At that point play stopped for a bit as I was allowed time to process the hit. Damn but I don’t like that toy yet. Way too intense for me…but I was given time to relax again, and the flogging and paddling continued. Now, I don’t mind the paddles so much, but the little itty bitty paddles are ouchie after you have been hit in the same spot like 50 times…what starts out as not so bad becomes…okay you can move to a different spot now cause that’s starting to hurt like hell. Then came the introduction of the hitachi..omfg!! Okay I love that thing..wowza..and I now know that there can be too much of a good thing as once I was allowed to cum, mmm, I wasn’t allowed to stop…for a long time. *shakes head in disbelief* Never thought I would ask to be allowed NOT to cum, but…sure enough I found myself saying the words.
With the intensity of the day before the next day was not nearly as much, but it was by far my favorite day. I got to be a practice dolly for some flogging fun. It was wonderful. And again the harder and faster I was hit, the more intense it was and the more intense that more I loved it. As it was harder and faster the further I would start drifting and flying and it was a sensation that I just don’t have words for. It would build and build until I almost couldn’t stand it..and then out came the rabbit fur and boobies *smiles*. And there came the longing for more, harder faster…more more more.
Now that it’s been a few weeks since then there is this aching need to do it all again. A DEEP aching need. I want to see how far I can go this time..i want to push and be pushed over that edge. This has opened up a whole new world for me and it’s almost like starting at the very beginning. I’m so excited to see where this path will take me now. What things that I say I can’t do…will I be able to do in the future. That’s one wonderful thing about this lifestyle, is that there is always something to grow into and out of, deeper levels as growth and confidence start to come more into play.
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