my Sanctuary

Well Loved

2011-02-23T15:36:00.000-08:00

I still remember the day i competed the copper byzantine chainmaille necklace to go with this celtic knot pendant. I bought the pendant last year just as my business was starting to grow and move. It's one of the first things i had bought just for ME, in a very long time. I bought it from a good friend whom i adored. Truthfully, i had drooled over her creations for months and i was honored to call her a friend. Being able to purchase something so beautiful from such a good friend really lifted my spirits.

i wore this necklace pendant combo everyday. Always reaching for the pendant when i was stressed or troubled. It became a night ritual to take the polishing cloth and reshine up the copper. An almost mediative action, slowly rubbing away the daily tarnish. It was not lost on me how much the action of cleaning it reflected the cleansing i was going through internally as well.

The pendant became my own little worry stone. I can't even begin to tell you how calming going over the knot with the pad of my fingertips was, over and over i would circle the design. The knot helped me get through many days and many risks i was taking in life. *not the life or death risks* But the do i jump in and go for things i never thought possible, or do i stay where i am in relative safety. Well, i did a LOT of jumping this year and somehow i've managed to make it through okay. My pendant...well, it's well LOVED!

I look at the pendant now and i see all the love that i have for it. All that it's gotten me through, the sleepless nights, the tears, fears, and frustrations. The pendant now has a place on my 'treasure' shelf. Mostly to keep it safe from me and my compulsion for grabbing and rubbing it.

Some may find it odd for such a little thing to mean so much, but it does. Things have changed SO much since i first got this little pendant. My business has grown and i even have MANY other pieces of jewelry made by her, and while i LOVE them all. This little pendant will always be WELL LOVED.

Thank you valerie for making something of such beauty and meaning.

I Am At Peace

2010-08-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

Divine peace and harmony dwell in me. I feel tolerance, compassion, and love for all people myself included.

One of the things that I’ve realized over the last few days is that I really am at peace with where I’m at and what I’m doing. A flow and rhythm has grown into my life and it pulses with positive energy. I still stumble on letting go of negative things and influences; however, I gotten a little be better at that. Releasing friendships that just were not positive and not indulging people in their fantasies. That was hard as I truly do like to help people, but you can only help those that want to help themselves and if they are still unwilling to let go of their delusions it’s best to just let them go.

I had a situation earlier in the week where I had learned a few things, and there was that “I told you so” part of me that wanted to throw it all out in the open. However as I looked closer at the situation, I saw that doing so would not be an “I told you so moment” but something that would utterly erode the foundation upon this person had built their world around. Now, I’m all for showing someone reality, but utterly destroying something that they felt was solid is not something that I want to do, especially, if they are not equipped to face reality. I made the choice to not divulge things, but to let that friendship go. While I can’t continue to support them in that illusion, I don’t need to hurt them either. It was a tough call, not so much the “I told you so part” really that was childish…but, watching someone fall for things they feel are real is tough.

I think it was the peace in my own life that made it easier to just let it go. If someone is not ready to face the realities of the world, they just aren’t ready. Because watching it is frustrating for me, I’ve taken the backseat in a lot of things lately. I’ve let go of a few friendships, not so much because I didn’t like them, but because they raised reactions in me that were not positive. *One was constantly being harsh on the help and assistance that battered women get as opposed to battered men…the anger and bitter way that things were expressed, just raised my hackles up. It was another instance where for the peace in my life, it was a friendship that I let go of, not because of the value of the person. He is a very good person, just not the kind of friendship that I need.

After eliminating some of the things that just blocked me, both mentally, emotionally and even physically this peace has filled my life and soul. Being at peace, takes work as all good things do; however, once you have found those keys to your own peace…you will be able to look around and say…WOW, my life is SO wonderful and I am truly blessed to be living it.

My Life Works Beautifully

2010-08-23T16:13:00.000-07:00

Everything in my Life works, now and forevermore.

So often i watch the piece of my life scatter and then come back together and every time i'm amazed at watching life work. HOW does it do that? Fear, pain, heartache...all mix and i feel as though my life is a total shambles and then a spark a light, and i see it all spin together and back into the light. This brilliant mix of joy flows from the center and yet, i'm not quite sure how it got there.

Life is such an interesting thing to sit and watch the simplest of things turn into some of the most powerful forces the Earth creates. The tapestries of life are amazing to behold and a wonder to witness.

I always call my life joyful chaos...my kids just laugh and say it's all random, yet somehow it all comes together. Laughter fills my home *usually at my expense* and it's those quiet moments that everything slows, and i see the wonder that my life has become.

aislinnseroticjewels
Unique Gifts

Hey Jude

2010-04-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

Okay so i took one of the quizzes on facebook. I couldnt help it. It was which Beatles song are you? well, guess what:

You're "Hey Jude". Your all about making life a bit more brighter, no matter what has happened before. Unfortunately, you're a hopeless romantic, and most of your time is spent getting over loved ones. When your life is a train wreck, your friends cheer you up, help you see the brighter side, and help you to get back on your feet and back into the game. "Hey jude, dont make it bad, take a sad song and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart, then you can start to make it better."

I have to say, it pretty much nailed it on the head. Well, i wouldnt say i'm a "hopeless romantic" but i dont give up easy on things. And i do believe that one day things will turn around in the right direction. Now, if someone happens to have the damn map to the right direction; i know i could surely use it.

i do happen to be a HUGE Beatles fan and Hey Jude is one of my favorites. So i have to say that i'm most pleased with the result of my quiz.

ENJOY!

Taking a Break

2010-04-21T15:29:00.000-07:00

i think i'm going to be taking a hiatus from posting for awhile. i dont know for how long, just until i feel comfortable doing so. No matter what i do, it always seems to ruffle feathers and really, i know i'm not the root cause, but just someone to blame. However, that doesnt stop me from getting it from both sides. Try to just focus on the happy parts but some dont want to remember.

i'll still be working on making the slave bells. i have new products in and that is going well. You can find them here: Aislinn's Erotic Jewels.

I'll still be on plurk occasionally, An Owned Life mostly just hanging out and chatting with a few on the chat bar, and i'll be on facebook from time to time.

Live in the NOW!

2010-04-19T16:40:00.001-07:00

This is a new day, one that I have never lived before. I stay in the Now and enjoy each and every moment. ~Louise L. Hay

The past is something that can’t be changed. Regrets, hurts, pains, and wrongs done are things that can’t be fixed. Dwelling on those things can affect your present and your future. The past is over, every day is a new day to grow, change and blossom into the better person that one is destined to be.

The present is the only thing that we have any control over. The things that we do from second to second, that writes the story of our lives. One can stay focused on the past; however, they lose sight of all that’s in the present. Each day holds a beauty that will never be again. It exists but at that one moment. The breeze, smell, and energy of life flows forward, and so must we.

No one knows that the future may hold, not the next year, month, week, day or even minute. The only thing that’s known is NOW. Right here, right now…that is what’s real. The past is gone; the future has yet to happen. Now is the time to learn, grow, and experience all the things that life has to offer.

Life’s energy is in the NOW. Have you embraced that energy today? Have you utilized it to improve the life that you now live? There is no change in the past, and it’s only in the NOW that we can build ourselves up for the destiny that we were meant for.

Still Not There Yet, Still Room to Grow

2010-04-14T14:46:00.001-07:00

It’s been an interesting few days to say the least, a lot that is not good, but thankfully there are bright sides so I’ll focus on those. I’m still moving forward in my life. But a few road blocks have been it, but that’s life…go around or break them down and move on. I think that’s what I’ve focused on now. Putting one foot in front of the other, but cant help but wonder if something permanent transpired or just another temporary setback. Okay enough of the negative, it’s past actions and I cant do anything about them, but learn and move forward.

On the positives, well, I went back to focusing on the things that I need to do, and so I started making more slave bells again. And low and behold, but I sold 2 of them in one day. It was wonderful to wake up that morning to see that one was sold, it was an emotional boost that I needed. Then later the same day I finished and posted another anklet and it wasn’t up more than 15 mins before it was sold. I was shocked and amazed as well as extremely greatful.

I have started working with wire work on the anklets, it takes a LOT longer to make one but I like the end result. It’s like nothing I have seen in dancing/slave bells and it looks very delicate. Over all I’m very pleased with them, although I’m probably not charging enough for the amount of time it takes to make them. But such is life.

The other positive I have going on is that I have my body in a state of ketosis. I monitor it closely as to not let my ketones get too high, but it means that my body is burning fat…YIPEE!! I have been steadily losing weight now for about 2 weeks and I’m very excited. I need to continue this and stick with it. I know it will work. I just need to maintain focus and determination. I CAN do this, and I will.

All in all I’m surviving at this point and trying to avoid any emotional triggers. I had one breakdown earlier this week and I don’t want another. The only way to change perception is to change myself…transform it and make it new.

How Others View Me

2010-04-14T08:44:00.001-07:00

Working on taking an honest look at things, and one of those is how people view me. I am amazed at the spectrum of opinions there are and it got me to wondering why. Is it solely their perceptions from past experiences with others, is it truly me, is it their choice to see the negative, or do those bringing out the negativity within me? And then I also look at the amount of time that I spend interacting with these individuals, and how often they have been positive uplifting experience and how many have been challenging. Do they take the time to truly get to know me…in an open and honest manner, or always waiting for me to make a mistake?

I was joking around with one of my friends a few weeks ago, when out of the blue she said “you’re such a cutie” and I sort of flippantly answered “yeah, I know.” She then replied with “But then so are you, sweetie! i think youre one of the most real people in the room, because you dont put on a front, pretend to be anything you arent, & youre always so honest & yet polite & kind. But you dont lay back & let anyone walk on you either. You just pick your battles wisely & calmly. you are always a real lady with dignity & humor & clarity You rarely get sucked into a mindless conflict.” I was floored. I had known her for a long time. I was amazed at the impression I had made on her. It really does wrap up the person that I strive to be. I have others that say I’m sweet, kind, and giving. And lol, not all of them are just online, but others that I know real time as well.

I have also been called selfish, hurtful, unkind, and jealous. These are things that I don’t strive to be. So why is it that some see this side of me? They are not characteristics that I try to cultivate. Is it the time they have spent getting to know me, is it too little or too much? Have they truly tried to find and see who I am, inside and out? Have they truly tried to get to know me, or just watch for me to be those things because they expect them?

Honestly, the truth is most likely in the middle. I can be hotheaded and I can easily be hurt. I lash out from time to time, and say things that I shouldn’t. But I also give my heart to most anyone I see in pain. I want to comfort them and support them.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I am all those characteristics. I can only hope and pray that my good side may shine brighter than my dark. And hope that one day, those that don’t see the good parts of me, may one day be able to see it.

Perception

2010-04-12T07:39:00.000-07:00

Perception is a funny thing, it can work for you or it can work against. It’s all in how you choose to look at things. I’ve been stung by my own perception more times than I would care to count. But each time reminds me that I need to change my outlook. No one is responsible for how I perceive things but me. If I choose to see something negative then that’s my choice to do so. However, I can also choose to see the positive in things as well.

There are times when it’s difficult to see things positively. There are so many ways to take things negatively, but the odd thing is that there is just as many positive ways to look at things as well. I find that when I find myself looking at something negatively that I need to take a step back and try to see if from a different angle. Sometimes it takes longer to get into a positive mindset about a situation, but it is possible.

It’s a struggle to change your perception on things. Sometimes even a minute to minute battle. But with the will and desire to change that perception, it is possible.

Taking A Step Back

2010-04-11T08:13:00.000-07:00

I did not have a good day the other day. I was emotional before I even woke all the way up. *never a good sign* It’s actually why I got out of bed in the first place, to start doing things to get distract myself from the thoughts in my head. My day just continued to get worse. And at one point I even had a mini-break down. It was at that time I took a step back. I took a step back and surrounded myself with people I knew would be able to support me. And they did, I have the most awesome friends ever, and I love you all.

I wrote…trying to remind myself of the specialness that I have within me and that I can handle and surpass whatever is thrown at me. It helped but not by a lot. I wasn’t in a place to deal with much, everything seemed to be coming at me. Unfiltered emotions running rampant. And so I took that step back from areas that I knew would only trigger things further. I needed to, I had to, or I would have gone nuts. I knew I was taking things harder than I should be, and that I would be better the next day. Recover and adapt seems to be my way. I just needed some time to do that…and I took it.

I did a bit of evaluating on a few areas of my life. I am still not sure if I found all the answers, but life is not about finding the answers but looking at the questions. What is life without passion? I’m not sure I ever really want to find out. I am passionate about many things, and the life that I want to lead is one of them. I have high ideals for things, that sometimes go against the goals of another. I get frustrated, I speak out…it’s hard not to when it’s something that you care about. So, there is another thing I need to step back from and let things develop as they may. However, the step back does not mean gone, just letting go of certain things. I put myself out there too much right now, in a time that I should be taking for myself. To rebuild a life is not an easy task, and sometimes it’s easier to just do something else for someone else. It’s always easier to help someone else than it is to help myself sometimes. Okay, most of the time. I can forget my own hurts and pains and engross myself in the needs of someone else. Helping them, listening to them, and trying to guide them, it puts my mind at ease, but doesn’t take care of me. I have no idea why I’m so much better at guiding someone else than I am at guiding myself, but it’s true.

Until I was in a better space in my head, I closed off a few areas in my life, the messenger being one of them. There were just a few on there that are emotional black holes and I was dealing with an energy hole within myself. I hate that feeling…that emptiness that seems to suck the life out of everything and yet never gets full. I like to give positive energy out…I’m at peace being able to lift people up and bring some light to their day. The dark days are very difficult for me to deal with, I’m learning slowly ways to work with them as no one can be happy and chipper 24/7, but it’s a touch and go thing sometimes.

I want to take a moment to thank my friends who supported me when I was down. I appreciate it very much. You held me up, instead of just saying I was feeling sorry for myself…when I’m spinning that only seems to make things worse. You helped me work through the thoughts in my head by reminding me of all the good things that I do and am. Sometimes you need to be reminded that you do have a purpose and that you do have value.

Okay I’m going to stop writing before this turns into a novel. I wish everyone a wonderful day.

I Will Not Fear The Darkness

2010-04-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

I am more than the darkness that surrounds me, for I carry a light within.

The light pierces the darkness like a beacon searching

My laughter will echo through the abyss making that light only brighter.

It lights my way back to the sun, to the cleansing rain, and the energizing wind.

I will walk with unfettered steps towards the world in light.

I shall not languish in darkness, for I am too bright.

My light will not be extinguished, for it serves many

Sometimes only in the abyss to we remember how bright our light can shine.

I will not fear the darkness, for it holds no power.

I will shine on

I will persevere

I am heart and soul

I am love and light

These things are me, they are who I am.

You All Amaze Me

2010-04-04T14:49:00.001-07:00

I am truly blessed by the friends that I have that include me in their lives. They amaze me every day. I am humbled by the things that they do to include and welcome me into their lives. They have accepted me just as I am. No restrictions or reservations, they accept all of me.

This week the littles were gone with the grandparents, and so I had free time. I am so grateful and humbled by my friends that made sure that I was able to take full advantage of the time. Events included an unscheduled coffee with everyone that I care so much for, an overnight kidnapping and trip to the nudie beach, some playtime with a good friend full of fun and laughter…and some really hard swats occasionally, topping it all off was the trip to the Shed. I had such a wonderful and full week and I am blessed by having people that wish and make an effort to include me in their lives. It truly means the world to me.

Being at the Shed is such a wonderful experience. It’s a place full of life and energy. Open and welcoming it’s a place where I am free to be who I am. i am honored to have been accepted by the people and staff there, it fills my heart with a joy that borders on overwhelming. The energy there is just amazing, I love receiving it as well as giving my own. I can’t express how honored I am by those that have taken their time to get to know me and play with me. You will always have a special place in my heart. There are just places and times in one’s life that one can think on and your heart just soars at the thought…they have given me that memory and place and I am eternally grateful. I only wish I was able to visit more often as with every experience I grow and open up more.

I am surrounded by the most wonderful people, and I am blessed to be a part of your lives. THANK YOU!

Okay on a totally random and fun note….SUPSENSION ROCKS!!! It’s the most amazing thing. It made me feel so tiny and it was the most exhilarating experience. *Still say we need to paint designs of the floor* I never understood the draw to being suspended, although I love been tied up, but after…I am a new addict.

Service Drop?

2010-03-27T14:56:00.001-07:00

Is there a service drop? We all hear about a sub-drop after a scene but what about one that’s mostly just a service slave/sub. Do they experience a drop as well? To be honest it’s something I’ve never considered or thought about before, but then a strange thing *well, not that strange* and after analyzing it and actually discussing things through with someone while it was happening…I got to thinking. Maybe, what I was experiencing was a service drop?

Okay, a little background and maybe you will see what I started to see. It started off with a conversation with a friend and an idea that I knew my former Master would love. It’s something that I knew would be good and something that would help Him reach the goals in His life. After hearing more details I was so excited to tell Him about it, the backs of my knees were even shaking. I knew it was something that would benefit Him. It would help Him reach His goals and help fulfill His desires. **All good right**

Then the bad thoughts started pouring in. Why was I still thinking as His slave would? Why is it the first thing I think of is not how I can benefit from something but how He can? I’m not His anymore. Why work things out, when I still do what I did before? How is this making myself more valuable to Him, when it really doesn’t matter if I’m owned or not, I still do these things? *and I started to crash and crash hard* I was feeling pathetic and worthless. **the old adage why buy the cow when you are giving the milk for free thoughts popped into my head.**

I started feeling worthless and used. Logically, I know that I’m worth something and I know I have value, but knowing something and feeling something are two very different things.

As I was talking to my friend about my feelings, she said that it almost sounds exactly what she would say during a bad drop after a scene. *click* And I started thinking. So what about that? After a scene many subs/slaves need that aftercare/validation that they are valued and cared for and that everything is okay. But what about a service slave that doesn’t or very very rarely plays? And then if you add if the internet is the main form of interaction, there’s no way for one to see if she’s pleasing, no way to see the shine in the eyes that tells you that everything is okay. You only have the written word, and sometimes that conveys so very little.

I started to think that what if these bad emotional episodes I was going through had to do with something similar to a sub-drop. I know that the depths of the depression I would go to was deeper than any I’ve experienced. But I really had no idea where exactly they were coming from. It didn’t make sense to have such reactions. And if it didn’t make sense to me, it really didn’t make sense to my Master. We both got tied up in a circle of frustration…and ultimately that was our downfall there.

I’ve spent a great deal of time trying to figure out where things went so wrong so that I can learn from it and watch for signs the next go around. I love this lifestyle. The more I’m involved in it the more I know that it’s part of who I am. Nothing drives that home for me more than that simple fact that even unowned, I still wish to do all I can for my former Master…even when I know there are times when it will tear me up to do so. If that’s not a sign that this lifestyle is at the core of who I am, I don’t know what is.

I’d love to hear others thoughts on this. It’s something I don’t think has ever really been considered…and I would like to know if maybe I’m on to something here, or just totally off base.

I Am Safe in the Universe, and ALL Life Loves and Supports Me

2010-03-24T16:45:00.001-07:00

I breathe in the fullness and richness of Life. I observe with joy as Life abundantly supports me and supplies me with more good than I can imagine. ~Louise L. Hay

Today was one of those days where I could feel the abundance of life around me. The positive energy was infectious. I could feel the world bringing me everything that I needed. And wow, did I need energy! I am back to doing my walks which I enjoy greatly. They bring me in tune with myself and the world around me. Oddly, it’s my quiet time. It’s the time that I take for myself to re-center and get in touch with the world around me.

I need that time to sort out things. It’s this time that I use to gather up the strength to get myself through the day. Sometimes, one of my kids walks with me. When it’s my oldest we talk of issues he may be having at school and how to be a better citizen and person. The differences between good friends and bad, and other life lessons. He makes me so proud. When it’s the youngest well, I just cant help but laugh at his antics. He is a force unto himself and thank god there is only one of him in the world. But He amazes me everyday.

It’s on these walks that I see just how blessed my life really is. I have all that I need and there is a richness that surrounds me. I have the love of friends and family *granted my family is just my boys*, but I couldn’t ask for a better one. I still long for someone to share parts of my life with, but it’s a true sharing of life that I want. To be a part of their life as they are a part of mine. I don’t do exclusion well. Actually, it’s very detrimental to me…I am sure it comes from my past and how I was raised, as I was always separated from the family in one fashion or another. I got to watch while others lived and it kills me to do that anymore.

I know there is greatness within me, still waiting for the right person to help work with me to direct it. One day that will happen, but until then I shall enjoy every moment that life brings me.

Steps to Happiness

2010-03-24T10:03:00.000-07:00

Steps to Happiness

You can’t be all things to all people.

You can’t do all things at once.

You can’t do all things equally well.

You can’t do all things better than everyone else.

Your humanity is showing just like everyone else’s

So:

You have to find out who you are, and be that.

You have to decide what comes first, and do that.

You have to discover your strengths, and use them.

You have to learn not to compete with others,

Because no one else is in the contest of “being you”.

Then:

You will have learned to accept your own uniqueness.

You will have learned to set priorities and make decisions.

You will have learned to live with your limitations.

You will have learned to give yourself the respect that is due.

And you’ll be a most vital mortal.

Dare to Believe:

That you are a wonderful, unique person.

That you are a one-in-all-history event.

That it’s more than a right, it’s your duty, to be who you are.

That life’s not a problem to solve, but a gift to cherish.

And you’ll be able to stay one up on what used to get you down.

I Experience Love Whereever I Go

2010-03-22T17:54:00.001-07:00

Love is everywhere, and I am loving and lovable. Loving people fill my life, and I find myself easily expressing love to other. ~Louise L. Hay

Well, anyone that truly knows me knows that I love people. I cant help but love people. It’s in my nature to be open to the love that surrounds me. I’m not afraid to love. I do it easily. I’m afraid not to love, because without love…what are you? It’s love that makes us compassionate, empathic, and it’s love that’s a driving force in our character.

I had always thought that everyone was like me. But I have found that is not the case. There are people who have forgotten how to love or they are so guarded they are unable to let themselves be loved or give love in return. To be honest, it’s something that I don’t understand. Similar, to how I was not able to understand spanking, paddling, whippings and the like until it was something I experienced. I’ll admit that cutting myself off from love is not something I want to do. It’s something that I don’t think will make me a better person. One of the biggest things that makes me me..is my ablitity to love people. I like that about myself, even when it means that I get hurt and hurt often…I wouldn’t trade it for not being able to see the love and feel the love for people that I do.

There are people who are scared by me and my ability to love. Another thing I sort of understand. It can be unnerving when dealing with one such as myself. Worried that I will feel more for them than I will, or that I want more from them because they feel that I’m “in” love…and not just love them as the person they are. Admittedly, love is a confusing emotion, but in my case it’s part of my being. I have to love people. I like being close to them. There are few things that are more thrilling to me than to have a group of friends together where I can freely express the love that I have for the people there, be it with hugs and kisses or something just a tad bit more. Okay, really, gotta admit, I love to flirt to. But, it’s this capacity to love that is something that I cherish about myself.

Do I get hurt more often because of this characteristic? Yes, I do. But I would rather get hurt than never know the thrilling heights that one can reach when they open themselves up to the love of the universe. The energy and the power is awe inspiring.

I See Clearly

2010-03-21T16:18:00.001-07:00

I willingly forgive. I breathe love into my vision, and I see with compassion and understanding. My clear insight is reflected in my outer sight. ~Louise L. Hay

Sometimes, we want to rail against someone. Whether for perceived wrongs or justified ones; it’s human nature to want to defend oneself. I think that’s why they say that to forgive is divine. Sometimes it’s something easier said than done. But if you truly take a step back and look, you can find that compassion within your heart and understand, and once that understanding fills your heart you can forgive.

If you look for the beauty in people and let that stay the vision of them then you will look on the world with joy in your heart. That’s not to say there still won’t be issues, far from it. When two people look at the world differently…there truly are two visions of the world…from the biggest change…to the smallest of conversations. No two people experience the same thing the same way. It all depends on the people involved and how they choose to view things.

Yes, how you view things is a choice and one personal to the one viewing them. I certainly know that there is at least one person that every time I leave an interaction where there was some laughter…maybe even tears…I feel that it was an overall positive conversation…only to later find that the other one didn’t view it that way. It’s frustrating, but that’s just the difference on how we view things and the things within the conversation that we choose to remember.

I choose to remember the more positive aspects of the conversation…even if it’s only a small grain to hold to…it’s that..i will remember. That she is happy and well. That’s a good thing. Moving forward and growing, that’s all we can hope for and strive for…everyday. And honestly, I think that I would like to think of it as a positive experience.

Careful How You View Others

2010-03-19T16:22:00.000-07:00

Persistently viewing others as dishonest, lazy, sinful, and ignorant can be a way of compensating for something you fear. If there’s a pattern of seeing others as failures, you need to notice this pattern as evidence of what you’re attracting into your life. ~Dr. Dwayne Dyer

It truly amazes me how often people will look for the bad in others rather than the good. I have watched as someone has looked for and found every perceivable flaw. The end result only bringing drama and trials to their life when it wasn’t necessary. And I’ve noticed that the patterns do in fact model their lives as well. The exact same thing that they point out in others…is something that they themselves DO.

I think of all the wasted energy and it almost makes me want to pull all my hair out. I know how much better and less stressful it is…to not always look for the bad in people. Is this naïve? Maybe, maybe not, but it also puts me in tune with life. I don’t have the barriers to experience the good things in life…unfortunately; I don’t have the barriers to keep out the bad either. But the good outweighs the bad, and I’ve noticed that having those barriers up only increases the negative experiences.

Watch how you view people, if you are consistently viewing people in a negative light, you could be bringing more heartache and stress into your life than necessary. Lighten up…live…laugh…love. Life is meant to be lived with a full heart. Not shrouded in the negativity of fear.

I Love and Approve of Myself

2010-03-18T18:12:00.001-07:00

I appreciate all that I do. I am good enough just as I am. I speak up for myself. I ask for what I want. I claim my power. ~Louise L. Hay

I have had a hard time speaking up for myself with those that are closest to me. I am working on changing that…learning to find my voice and ability to express those things. It hasn’t been an easy thing to learn. It’s something that I have to work on every day.

It was hard to find that I am good enough as I am…but if I take a step back from myself I find that...i am good enough as I am. Not that I cant improve things…because I can. However, I am a good and wonderful person. I work hard for my family and friends. I try to bring joy into the lives of those I know.

I’m still not the best at asking for what I want…hell, I can still barely ask for what I need. But I’m slowly getting a better understanding of just what that is. With this better understanding of what my needs are I can best tell others what my needs and wants really are. Hopefully, in the future it will help me develop a stable and long lasting relationship.

A Very Productive Day

2010-03-17T19:04:00.001-07:00

I have taken another step forward today. I worked on some projects with the bells, opened an etsy store, and made some banners, over all I would say that I had a very productive day. I also snuck in some time to help a friend with His site too. I’m pretty pleased with the way things have gone today.

I’ve be talking and trying to help people where I can; it’s only right after all the help that others have been to me that I give back some of myself. Not that it’s easy, it’s a challenge to help and yet not get in the way. It should be, I should feel comfortable helping in any and every way I can; however, it seems the more I help the more that I’m being blocked from doing so. But I carry on, and do what I can when I can.

Service is honestly at the heart of who I am. Those feelings, wants, needs and desires don’t just go away. In fact they grow and intensify. This time though, I want to keep myself instead of losing myself into the darkness like last time. Hopefully, I have learned how to make it so that doesn’t happen.

Why So Negative

2010-03-17T11:30:00.001-07:00

How do you want to present yourself? I’ve been reading a lot on a social site. I haven’t decided yet if I really want to participate or not. Mostly from what I read, it’s a place to just dog on other people. Maybe a way for someone to get their point across to others in a ‘public’ venue and thus a passive aggressive way of dealing with frustrations and hurts, the result is making the place an uninviting place where most are just putting themselves up as elitists and I’m better than anyone else. Contrary to what some make think…reading about and replying to other people’s bitches is not how I want to spend my time. There is a lot to be said for “if you cant say something nice don’t say it at all”.

I do have good friends on the site and I would love to interact with them more there, but I have a hard time wanting to open up my life somewhere I feel has a negative atmosphere. I realize life is not always happy and good, but it doesn’t always have to be some combative and challenging either.

There are people I just don’t enjoy talking to..doesnt mean that I don’t like them…just talking to them is difficult. Somehow they can twist words and actions around to the WORST thing possible. Making a simple conversation into something more, and making every conversation a battle of what do I say and what don’t I say. It’s a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation. It’s exhausting. It drains all your positive energy and so I do my best to interact with these people as little as possible.

What drives me nuts is that they don’t see what they are doing. They don’t see the weight and extra hardships that they put on their interactions with people close to them. I have friends that hang around these draining people. I can see the impact they have on my friends. It’s hard to watch but there isn’t a lot that I can do about it…other than limit my time with them when they are around these people.

So anyway, my choice for now is to hang back and watch the site from a distance. Hopefully, the feel and attitude of the site will change and I will feel more welcome in participating. For now, it has a feel that I’m just not comfortable with.

One Step Closer To Living

2010-03-13T15:47:00.001-08:00

I am so very fortunate and grateful for the friends that I have. You are all truly the blessings in my life. So many of you have been holding my hand lately and helping me walk the path that I’m on. Every day, I’m learning and growing thanks to you. I’m stronger each day that I awaken because of the strength that you give me. You believe in me when I’m not sure I believe in myself, you push when I need to be pushed and hug when I need a hug. You encourage me in so many ways I can only hope that one day I will be able to help you as much as you have helped me.

The Jewels site is doing well. It’s slowed down from that frantic pace that was the beginning and now I think it’s growing slowly yet steadily. Thanks to the support of friends…there’s now a banner for it as well as links that are slowly spreading across the web.

On the personal front, there have been steps away and steps closer. It’s terrifying to open myself up again but life goes on. I can only hope that I have learned from the past enough that the same mistakes won’t be mad this time. I am welcoming the peace that’s come into my life. And I can see the chaos that still reigns in the one I left. I’m so very thankful that I have distanced myself from that. Some things never do change and separating yourself from it is the only thing that you can do. It’s hard as part of me wants to be so close but I know the pain that lies there. And now, someone is helping me move past that as well. But it’s still hard…every day is hard. Emotions don’t just turn off; the desire to serve doesn’t just turn off…I CANT change who I am at the core of my being.

I Think I'm Still A Little Lost

2010-03-08T13:10:00.000-08:00

Well, things continue to more forward for me. The bells are going well, and giving me a sense of purpose. I’m having a few issues with other things. A confusion that I don’t like, I feel like I’m continuing to be played and toyed with in a not so good way. It’s frustrating to have so much faith in someone but think ultimately you are just being played. I try to suppress those thoughts and feelings as they are really not productive. I can only move forward. One step at a time, telling yourself that tomorrow will be better.

One day there is hope the next it gets crushed. But such is life, one door opens and another closes. It’s the revolving doors that drive me crazy. Sometimes, I feel stuck in one. I think in some areas I’m still very lost and very confused.

What Do You Mean I'm a Pain Slut!

2010-03-07T10:30:00.001-08:00

What do you mean I’m more of a pain slut that you thought? I couldn’t believe my ears when I was told that I was a pain slut. That’s a title that I never thought would EVER in a million years apply to me. But guess what…I think He was right. I really think He was after I went and saw the results of last night’s play in the mirror under good lighting. WOW, I cant believe I took that…and wanted more, much much more.

Last night was my first foray into the local dungeon, The Shed, and wow, what and experience it was. I cant even explain what a good time I had and just how much I want to go back. Looking in the mirror, my ass had a good time to. It was SOO wonderful to meet all the people that I have talked to for so long or just have known by reputation. I’m sure some are glad to have met the bubbly happy me…yes, I’m pretty much like I am online. Although I will say that I did refrain myself from hugging everyone…I’m not sure how long that will hold out for though. I’m a hugger I cant help it and when I’m really happy, and oh yes I was very happy, I just love to huggle most anyone and everyone. And as I get to know people more…well the hugs come out more.

Last night was such an experience, I don’t even know where to begin. Well, I like whips…that’s up there…almost as much as thuddy floggers…and omg, the nerf baseball bat..it may be nerf but it packs a deep thuddy punch. Oh yes and the electric fly swatter…while interesting…not a good idea inside a cage…4 hits almost at once…bit much. Now, I’ll be honest **yes that self preservation filter isn’t fully back yet** and say that I could see that being more fun…spaced out a bit more. **think I may end up regretting saying that but oh well.

I can no longer say that I’ve never really bruised anymore cause…DAMN. WOW, yes now I know why those darn chairs at Denny’s hurt so much and why every time we hit a bump on the way home…HELLO! But I have to say, I’m so proud of myself. I went from being scared to death of anything ouchie, to being called a pain slut. WOW, talk about progress.

Personal Connections Make The Difference

2010-02-20T16:55:00.000-08:00

I think I have finally figured out what has made this work so well. It’s my personal relationship with people that’s made all the difference. So many times I’ve tried to stress the importance of making those personal connections and the importance that they have. This is really such a close community that making those connections in imperative to any successful endeavor.

There is a reason I keep thanking everyone so much. Because I KNOW that without you I would be just spinning my wheels. But instead I feel as though I have an army of supporters, backing me and cheering me on. Not only have some actually stepped up and purchased something, but they are also spreading the word about the bells. For that, I can never thank you enough.

The response has been so overwhelming in fact that I’m really hoping that paypal gets me that check quickly or I’m going to have to go on back orders as I don’t have enough money to send out anymore. How is that for selling out. It’s truly amazing. I can’t wait to see what the next few months hold.

I truly feel blessed in all that I am doing right now. May blessing shine upon you all as well.

And Everything Is Just Falling Into Place

2010-02-19T20:25:00.000-08:00

I am continually amazed at the way my life has changed around so drastically in such a short amount of time. I’ve taken drastic steps to make improvements and for some reason most all of them seem to be working..okay, maybe not the health part…me and this damn cough. The bells are doing wonderfully, much better than I ever expected. And I think the fact that there are sales from people that I don’t even know is an extremely good sign.

I have other ideas to expand on my endeavors. I prototyped a nipple clamp string of bells last night. I need to do a tad more research on supplies but I think it would work well. And wow, are they noisy; perfect really for those that like walking around nakie. It’s a wonderful adornment. I’m also thinking of some other clamp jewelry that would be cute and functional. Mostly ideas for now, and slowly getting it to where I can start selling things. I don’t want to jump in too fast and then be back ordered cause I have to wait for supplies.

On the personal front, well, it’s the same ole same ole. I am still seeing a lot of things that I don’t like and I’m still doing things that I should really stop doing. There was a time when I may not have been able to count on someone being there for me, but when they said they were going to do something or be somewhere they always were. Now, most of the time, it’s not true anymore and it’s frustrating. And even more frustrating because I know how much they hate when people flake on them. It’s starting to make me wonder just what the hell am I doing. But one of these days, the personal life will get straightened out just a little. Right now, there are so many other positive things that are almost literally falling in my lap, that I’m going to enjoy them…and what will be will.

Maybe it’s time I stop trying to ‘fix’ the personal part and let it come to pass. Someone else’s turn to do the work if they want…and if they don’t want, well that’s okay too.

I Am Truly Blessed

2010-02-16T09:23:00.000-08:00

I am truly blessed to be surrounded by such supportive friends. All of you amaze me every day, thank you for being so wonderful. I was so nervous starting the slave bell project, but I have gotten so much support it’s almost overwhelming. I am truly grateful for all of your support. Having worked on a bazillion projects, I know how hard it is to get them off the ground…and so far the bells have made and explosion.

My life and outlook has changed so much over the last month and a half. I have friends that say that they are inspired by me, which I find extremely humbling. They admire my courage with going out and doing the bells…and have asked how I did it. They have tried things so often and have failed. I told them, that I’ve had so many projects fail that they are too numerous to mention, but I keep on trying. I don’t give up easily. I like to take action and forge ahead. Really, I have no choice…it’s do or die and I’ve never really ever been one to NOT take action. If I see a problem, I want to fix it. I want to take action to fix it. **this caused me nothing but anguish as a slave though**

I love life. I love to laugh and play. *popcorn fights and all* I love to be with people. I love people. I love to snuggle and flop on people. I’m a very loving person and very open. I love having people come to my house for coffee, dinner, watching a movie and everyone just piled on the couch together. I love a good debate. Basically, I just love life and I love LIVING it. I’m really not much of a sidelines person, although I don’t mind being in the background as long as I’m involved WITH people. I don’t do well alone. I know that. I do best surrounded by supportive people. They bring out the best in me, as I want to make them happy. I want them to be proud of me, and I always do my best to do that.

I wouldn’t be where I am now, without YOU though, and I thank you so much for being who you are…my friends, thank you for accepting this silly girl into your lives.

Big Steps Forward

2010-02-14T19:23:00.000-08:00

Wow, things are moving forward. I made a big and yet very frightening step today. I put the slave bells up for sale. I am extremely nervous about it. I have had so many ideas on doing things and SO many have been utter failures. But, I only takes one thing to start things moving and hopefully this is it. This is the year that I change my life. On one hand I’m so open to the possibilities right now, but on another I think it will be the end of something else. So many have been truly supportive, asking questions, encouraging me to do this, and telling me how well I progressed in my skill. I cant ever thank you all enough.

Well, you can imagine my surprise when I have already gotten notices that I have sold some anklets. I was shocked and so absolutely giddy. I almost can’t believe it. I know this is the turnaround in my life that I was hoping for…I can and do serve a purpose. I do love and want to live the lifestyle. Maybe not everyone’s idea of it, but what works for me and what works for those I’m with. I am happy doing my “thing” and then playing with others. Would I have rather done this with someone…well, yes, but just because I wanted it to be this way with them, doesn’t mean they wanted it to be that way. So I’m forging my own path. I am getting to know real lifestyle people, and be as active as I can in the community here.

I know at some point I’ll be able to find the relationship that works for me. i could never go back to vanilla, it’s not even an option for me…hell, I can barely last vanilla between playdates. That said, I still long for more than just playmates in my life. I’m not ready for more…I know that. I don’t want to get into a relationship while I feel that I’m vulnerable to pretty words and a sharp flogger, whip, cane, and all sorts of other things that’s on the list to experience. I want to make sure that I’m on solid ground before moving forward in that way.

Okay, healthwise, I haven’t been doing so hot. I have the cough from hell it’s made my workouts suffer unfortunately. However, as soon as this damn cough is gone, you can bet your ass, I’m back at it.

Seriously WTF!!!

2010-02-13T10:50:00.000-08:00

Okay just for a warning this is going to be a WTF kind of post. Alright, you have been warned read only if you wish to continue.

Alright, seriously wtf. It seems that no matter what I do people just have to fuck with me. Honestly, it cracks me up that they thing they are so anonymous when they do it. That they don’t know that I know who they are, I find amusing and a tad insulting. Lord, help me if I point out all the sneaky surreptitious stuff that they have pulled in the past and are pulling now. Really most of it’s in the past but damn if they just cant help themselves by poking into my life. They try to find these sneaky ways of digging up dirt. Now, mostly my life is pretty much an open book, I don’t really hide a lot. And if you are one of my friends on certain social networks you all know that. This doesn’t mean that I want my entire life open to every tom, dick, or harriet. First off, people love to twist things around way too much, and some just cant help but to fuck with me. I’ve come to expect and accept it and for the most part find it amusing.

For the second WTF! I know of someone else that supposedly lives the lifestyle. She was collared to someone just a few short weeks ago. That ended, and she protested that she wanted her next relationship to be real. Now a collar, is similar to an engagement/wedding ring, and yet four short days later she’s collared so someone new that live in an entirely different country. Seriously, WTF, did we learn nothing from the first go around. To be taken as real, you have to be real and realistic. I’ve spent more than my fair share of time defending this girl, but hell, even I cant condone this. I can’t excuse it either. This is the same girl that teases and degrades girls that are “collar hoppers” and yet she just did the same damn thing.

Now, I can understand the want and the need to be comforted and cuddles a bit. Being released is not easy, it’s heartbreaking and difficult. I’m thankful that I have the friends that I do during this time for myself. But I also know that any relationship I were to get into at this time would only end in disaster. I’m on the rebound and on it hard. I couldn’t even imagine giving someone my trust and life again at this point. Yes, that’s just my situation.

But how many people do you know that go from being engaged to one person and then break it off and become engaged to someone else 4 short days later. That is fantasy land. This is real life not some cyber game to be played. This is why people get hurt. They fall prey to the cyber fluff fantasy land and refuse to look at the reality of the situation.

Common sense goes a long way…use it!!

Blessing In The Small Ways

2010-02-07T16:24:00.000-08:00

Well, today has been interesting to say the least. I feel like I got smacked in the face by someone close to me, but well, I guess I’m not all that surprised. Shit happens and such is life…just another lesson learned. Of course should I turn around and do the same I would be called childish and immature…amazing how that works. I have noticed changes that I don’t like…it’s a growing darkness that I have seen overtake them…a slow poison. Try as I might, I was unable to show the darkness and it may be time to let another one go. Negativity is a sneaky thing…it can creep up on you when you least expect it.

On other fronts, life is going well. Surprisingly well in fact, I have gotten a very positive response from the pictures of the slave bells that I have put out. And from the people that I have talked to about them, hopefully soon I will have them up for sale here. I got a surprise check in the mail today. Seems that the government messed up for once in my favor, and I had overpaid something and they sent me the back pay of it. Woo hoo!! That was a very nice surprise indeed. It’s not a lot, but for me it doesn’t take a lot to make a big difference.

Positive things keep happening in my life lately. Although there are certainly areas that I would like to still work on, life is looking up and I’m excited for what the future holds. Oh and another little annoying but ultimately good thing, youngest found his glasses, of course that’s after I had already paid $50 for a new pair. *hits self on the forehead* However, as he is young and rough and tumble, having an extra pair can only be a good thing.

It’s the blessings in the small things.

New Beginnings

2010-02-06T20:25:00.000-08:00

Well, I’ve been feeling yucky the last couple of days. Darn congestion…mostly it’s degraded to an annoying as hell cough. But that’s really the only downside lately. Everything else is looking up.

The bells arrived and I started making slave bell anklets. I’m really excited about this venture and I’m hoping that it will work. I don’t need it to totally take off and I’m not really expecting it too, but if I can make an extra $20-$50 a month that would be totally awesome. The first set of anklets is going to be rather simple and inexpensive…after seeing how they do, I may add more embellishments to them, beads and such, maybe more intricate designs in the weaving. I still like the versatility of the embroidery thread as I can make anklets in most any color of the rainbow.

Not much else is going on. I could really use a play session soon. Just the thought of one gets me wet and excited, which I find a little odd as most of my play doesn’t ever include sex and sometimes doesn’t even include me cumming. But I long for it nonetheless, and wow, do I ever. There is still so much that I want to do and further that I want to go. I crave the intense, not necessarily the extreme, but the intense. I really want to push and be pushed…then need is almost overwhelming.

Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to get together with some friends soon and play. I need the connection with others almost as much as the session itself.

What A Mess

2010-02-04T12:42:00.000-08:00

There are days when I wish I had stayed oblivious to the lifestyle. Just know there was something missing in me but not know what it was. Trust me there are days that knowing what it is and knowing that it takes to fill that need is almost just as frustrating. But I can’t pretend in a vanilla world. I’m not vanilla; I have needs and wants that go beyond that world. There was a time when I wasn’t sure myself. But then when I look at my relationships they are all so similar it’s almost frightening.

I’ve always been attracted to very dominant or confident men. Sometimes, I would just meet someone that was confident in one area. However, if that didn’t pan out into other areas of life I soon found myself looking for a way to end things. I have actually had many short term relationships. I’ve never really been one to hold on to something that wasn’t going anywhere. Now, there were two long term relationships that I’ve been in…one being my failed marriage, which I knew was doomed even before it started, but I tried to force myself into a vanilla world without even realizing that’s what I was doing.

Then I found the M/s world, and things just seemed to make sense. Everything was feeling right. I felt like I finally found the missing piece and the person to help me put them together. I was excited…everything seems to have a new flavor and direction. I finally figured out what was missing.

Unfortunately, my life turned out more vanilla than anything else. I was frustrated, angry, and confused. I was feeling like an employee and not anything more. I wanted a life not a job, and I didn’t know how to express myself well. I started to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe the pieces didn’t fit like I thought they should. I started doubting myself. I started doubting who I was with, and why. I had turned my life upside down and it seemed like it was all just a horrible mistake. I started to feel that I wasn’t meant for this lifestyle. I began not trusting my judgment and the judgment of the one I was with…it started a huge downward spiral in my psyche. I didn’t trust myself anymore and started to be scared of everything.

Well, I started getting with a group of lifestyle people here. Forming friendships and drinking coffee with them, I started to see how their lives were formed. I watched their interactions and again, the lifestyle just called to the very heart of me. This generally increased my frustration and my longing for something more than what was going on. I didn’t want vanilla but what I had wasn’t working either. I was in such a dark place that I couldn’t see what was in front of me at all. I needed something drastic to change. But there was no change coming, and I couldn’t stay on the road that I was any longer.

Well, I continued to talk with my lifestyle friends and my experience has grown so much. I now know that I am right for the lifestyle. I have experienced more and need more. I owe a great deal to my real time friends in the lifestyle, without them, I would have probably left the lifestyle, feeling that it just wasn’t right for me. But I know different now, I want and need to be actively in the lifestyle, not a passive spectator. I need this life with every fiber of my being. I have no doubt about that now. And even though, I am still fearful of being hurt, I am doing my best to stay open to the one person I have always wanted to share this lifestyle with. But that too brings up fearful thoughts. I don’t want to start another actual relationship; I don’t want to put myself in a position of being hurt again. I think it’s the known quantity of it that still has me there. I know what to expect even if I know that that’s not enough. I keep hoping for a change, some spark to make it different. But I still don’t see it.

While I’m no longer wondering in the dark, I still have no idea where I’m going. I don’t trust many people. Oddly, I find that trusting people is much harder for me than it once was…whenever someone pops up and wants to have things more than friends, I get fearful and uncertain. And I don’t just want play partners either…I swear I’m still messed in the head sometimes. I want and need the lifestyle yet, I’m too scared to let anyone in…and I know this is not going to work. To have the life I want, I have to let someone in…what a mess.

One Step At A Time

2010-02-03T15:54:00.000-08:00

Urgh, today was another rough day. I’m feeling crummy. Both the boys have had or have bronchitis and I can feel the congestion start to build in my chest. Isn’t that just lovely?? Anyway, my day was spent trying to keep my eyes open, running errands, and somehow I still managed to walk that mile. There was NO way I was going to let my streak slide because I was feeling under the weather.

After a minor hiccup with the order, the bells are now on the way here. I am SOOO excited about this project. I even got a book to learn some weaving patterns. I think that this could really go well. The variety of applications is endless. I really think it would be cool to do slave bells in “house” colors. Seriously, what a great way to show that solidarity within the house than to have matching slave bells? I can also make beaded slave bells…some can even be very elaborate. Of course, I’m a bit ahead of myself on the elaborate ones. I don’t want to say I can do more than I am capable of doing. Right now, I’m going to stick with some simple designs and the materials that I have on hand. As it grows I want to start using colored hemp and more beaded bells.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my world. Nothing to huge, just another notch in the year.

It's Not Always Easy

2010-02-02T17:29:00.000-08:00

I think I have started and erased about 10 drafts of today’s post. I want to just pour out my feelings and frustrations, my fears and anxieties, my hurt and pain; but I stop and remember that doing so would ultimately be counterproductive to the ultimate outcome that I want for my life. And so I erase all that I have written and try to start over. I only wish I could erase everything as easily but alas, I cannot.

Make no mistake the last couple days has not actually been easy for me. I want to cry, scream, and shake someone important to me. I want us to start really healing and moving forward. I don’t feel like we are moving forward. I feel as though we are stuck in the same place we were months ago. I miss our connection. I miss the laughter and playing. I miss seeing mischievous eyes shining in my direction. I miss feeling safe and cared about. It seems like it has been so long since I really felt that.

I know I can be happy. And I know that one day I’ll be sharing laughter and mischievous smiles. I think that’s one of the reasons I like to play so much. It is the connection that happens. One day I will have the laughter, the connection, the feeling of safety that happens even though I’m at the mercy of another, I am completely helpless and yet I feel safe.

I know that one event could very well change things in a positive direction and I think that’s what bothers me. I’m willing to jump and take the risk that it will, and yet, I can’t be the only one willing to take that risk. Some are comfortable in the status quo, make no waves…well darn it…life is meant to be lived…fully lived. I am here to live…not languish away waiting for something to spur a spark. Sometimes, you have to just make that spark happen. Take a chance, you may win, you may lose, but damn at least you know you went down kicking and screaming doing every damn thing you could.

I can't make another take that risk. I can’t make them take that chance. But, then that leaves me with a choice as well, how long to I wait for them to take that chance. Right now, I don’t know. At times, it’s easy to just accept the status quo and go with the flow and at others…I’ll be damned but I want to go over and shake things up. Things won’t ever change unless you are brave enough to change them.

Well this was a lovely rambling post. I’m not sure any of it made any sense at all. I hope I helped someone in my chaotic ramblings.

I'm Not A Slut

2010-02-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

If Only

2010-02-01T17:00:00.000-08:00

Ah A Lovely Rainy Day...NOT!

2010-02-01T15:25:00.000-08:00

Wow, did this day go by fast. I feel like I just woke up and here it is already evening time. I suppose it’s because I had a relatively busy day. I had to take the monsterchyld to the doctor today and sure enough he has bronchitis. It’s raining here and I don’t know if it was just that or not but I almost got squished by two vehicles that decided they wanted my lane AT the same time…idiots. I’m glad I was paying attention because they sure as hell weren’t. They didn’t even have turn signals on. They are luck I don’t have better insurance or I would have just let them hit me. Okay, maybe not, but the thought crossed my mind.

Thanks to our lovely government not sending out checks when they are suppose to, I wasn’t able to order my supplies. I am a tad bummed about that but the check should be here tomorrow. The mailman said that no one got their check. So I must have some patience, yes I know it’s not my strong point but alas I must acquire some.

I did get my walk in, 2 miles. I feel good about that and when the boys get to bed I’ll head over to the fitness center here at the complex and do some work with weights. I feel that I’m on track with my exercise and even what I’ve been eating or rather not eating. I’m hoping that I can continue with this positive trend.

I’m so ready for an intense playdate!!! It’s a craving and need that damn near borders on unbearable. Shesh, I thought just being horny was bad, at least then, I could use a vibe and get off. But well, beating myself just is NOT the same. Just thinking about it and my ass, back, and cunt start tingling. *sighs* but it doesn’t look like an intense session is in the cards for now. But damn, I really need/want one. Okay, need to start thinking of something else the bits are getting really tingly.

Well, it’s another day done and another one is to come. I’m still moving forward, learning and growing and that’s always a good thing.

One Month Down

2010-01-31T16:28:00.000-08:00

Well, I’ve been unowned for a month now. It’s different and while in some ways it’s good, in other it’s just heartbreaking. I keep trying to keep in mind that this is just another bump in the road and that we will get past it and ultimately be stronger for it; I cant help but have doubts enter my mind. I know of my commitment but I am only one side of the equation. I still have a tendency to get frustrated, although, it doesn’t have as strong of a ramification as it did before. I can give the space that may be needed, but still long for the comfort of having the same ultimate goal.

I have accomplished a great deal this month. I have walked at minimum a mile every single day. I have started lifting weights which will help. My house is more stable; I’m more stable. I’ve gotten the chance to play twice; which was awesome. I have been able to grow in that area and it brings me great pleasure. I have found that I truly and honestly enjoy the masochistic me. It lets me connect with people on a different level and allows me to fulfill that need to physically submit to someone. To be someones toy for awhile, no thoughts, just feel. And I feel every bit of it. It’s like coming alive. I can feel the energy in the room and it fills me.

I’ve gotten to experience different types of play now. Both with heavy floggers that I love and some more stingier things. I like the dragon tongues and want to experience more of them. I would like to continue to develop with the canes, when they are used with the floggers it’s quite nice indeed. I still have some other things that I haven’t really experienced yet but I want to try them soon. I’d like to try clothes pins both on the lips of my pussy and around my breasts *not on the nipples because I already know that they are WAY too sensitive for that*. I also what to try cell popping and even needle play a bit…as well as wax play.

The cell popping and needle play are newer interests. I have read about other’s experiences with it, and the idea fascinates me. And I now know from some more experience that I can handle a lot more than I thought I could and that in the midst of happy floaty land that needle play would probably be on an entirely different level than getting blood drawn. Given my fear of branding…I want to confront it a bit by watching a cell popping first and then perhaps trying it myself.

I am finding myself falling deeper and deeper into the lifestyle and I like that. It just feels right and it’s a natural development. I suppose in a way I’m very lucky that I have a few things that prevent me from really jumping in too fast, otherwise I would probably get myself in over my head in my desire to experience more. And I’m also fortunate to be surrounded by some awesome friends…I love you so much you just have no idea how much you all mean to me.

I’m going to try and continue the positive movement in my life. I’m hoping to be able to get some supplies to make some crafty type items to sell and bring in some extra money into the house. Lol, even if it’s only $10 a month it’s something and it will keep me busy. So I have one project I want to start this coming month and another one I want to start in March. I’m not exactly sure how that will play out, but it’s something that’s worth a shot. Some of it is a shot in the dark and I have no real clue to what I’m doing and then there are others that I have a fairly good grasp on. Time will tell how those ventures go. My biggest adventure so far is finding wholesalers for the supplies that I want. It’s been a long process there but a few things have come together, I hope.

Well, one month down…time to start on the next one. Cheers!

Yep, i'm a Masochist

2010-01-30T12:02:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I call the place I end up going to when being spanked/flogged/caned/whipped and the like, happy floaty land. Is it true sub-space, I have no idea. Could you get me to do damn near anything when I’m there…oh yes, I’m very malleable. I’m happy and giddy really wanting to please and be pleasing. It’s almost like I have had about 2 drinks of hard liquor. I’m definitely buzzing. I can also see why alcohol and play should NOT be mixed.

Now, it’s not like being able to shut everything out…actually just the opposite I find that I’m extremely focused on the moment..although I do get a bit ADD *oh shiney* in happyland. Now, I don’t know however said that after awhile your ass gets numb…but the LIE!!! I can say this because after a few long play sessions now…over 2 hours close to 3…not once have I ever been able to say that my ass has gone numb, or that I ever blocked out the pain…nope, I felt every swat and loved each one. Which is not what I actually thought that I would do or like.

Pain was something I was always afraid of, terrified actually. I never thought I would enjoy it or want more. I think part of it is approach too…if bringing up beatings is always “I’m going to turn you into a painslut” statements, well that drives fear, it doesn’t ease it away. But having watched someone else in person get a beating…omg, that experience was truly lifechanging. Every fiber of my being said…”I WANT TO DO THAT”. It called to me on a level and need I just cant explain. It brought out very intense emotions and feelings that it took me a bit to process.

Then I started actually experiencing things. Wow, after every incident I just want more, go further, do more…I almost feel like turning the meow mix song from meow to more more more more more more more more…more..more..more. There not only is the pain part that’s connecting with me, but also it connects me with people too. There’s a connection during the interaction that’s something that I crave to the depths of my soul as well.

I had never thought of myself as a masochist, but I’m becoming more and more comfortable identifying myself as such. I love laying down knowing that I’m going to be whipped, spanked, flogged, and caned until I’m red hot and bright red. My body reacts it’s thrilling and erotic. It turns me on and gets everything just going. I long for more intense interactions. Yep, time to just face the facts…I’m a masochist. No, just side about it.

New Play Partners

2010-01-30T09:38:00.000-08:00

I gotta say I love my friends. I have a surprise weekend away from kids this weekend and as soon as I found out my whole body started to just come alive. I needed to play already and needed it badly, but it was looking as if this weekend was going to be a no go. However, *insert eyebrow wiggle* my pleas did not go unnoticed by some of my friends and what do ya know, but I have new playmates to play with…yeah for me.

I have noticed that I really need to get one of those benches to the left…replace the gag with a blindfold and already juices just start ahhh flowing. There was a time when that thought would scare me but now, it’s so erotically exciting there just aren’t words for it. Just thinking about it gets me wet and giggly. I have come to accept that I’m definitely a maso, not quite a pain slut, but give it time.

Last night was a tad different than the other times that I have played..more painful than massagy. The toys were harder and different. There wasn’t a long warm up with softer leather floggers. These were a hard leather and more stingy that thuddy although they did have some thud to them, they also had a cut to them…it was nice..took a little getting used to and I had to process through a bit but it was a great experience. There was a lot of belt use and more spanking spanking, bare handed, which I really kind liked. Lol, even pushing my ass was really cool. And there was a metal spatula that I just know someone would love…especially after it was placed in the freezer.

There was a small amount of ice play which was cool, no pun intended, but let me just say that ice water dropping down into the arm pit is flippin cold. Also, last night there was ticklin…wtf…I was sqruimin more from that than the ouchies. Seriously, who would think that tickling would be what would drive me crazy. For the record…yes the ass crack can be very ticklish, even after being beat bright red.

So far, all of my play has involved couples, and I have to say that I like that. For some reason, it’s more comfortable for me. I’m not sure exactly why yet. But I do enjoy having more than one person around. Maybe because of the more playful atmosphere that surrounds the experience…it’s a possibility.

I have definitely come to the conclusion that myself preservation filter turns off when I start hitting happy land. IE. The you can hit harder statements come out…or the I really don’t care for the fru fru flogger can you hit me with a more ouchie one. Yep, I’m definitely becoming a maso.

Another thing that I’m curious about is that so far, with the exclusion of the first time, play has stopped before I was really ready to stop. Now, I’ve been playing with experienced people so I’m not sure if it’s just because they can tell that I’m done…or if I’m just not being pushed far enough. It’s something that I’ll have to explore a bit at a later time. I’m still very new to the maso stuff and it could be that they are still keeping me to that point of growth without punching through boundaries.

All in all I’m very happy with the way things are going. This is a place I wish I could have gotten to with other in my life…communication folks, open communication. Stifling communication is never a good thing. Keep the lines open…that is the best advice I can ever give anyone. And there are ways that communication closes that you may not even be aware of, but if you keep telling someone that a subject is off limits, sooner or later it really is and everyone misses out.

Just Do It Already

2010-01-28T13:41:00.000-08:00

Okay, not sure what my problem is, but for some reason I keep putting off starting to write stories. I don’t get it. I love writing and it’s sort of frustrating that every time I think I should start writing I choose to do something else. Is it something important?? NO, because that would be too easy. So just why am I being so hesitant?

Well, I think the biggest part is fear. What if I put together this whole project and no one likes it? To put your creative endeavors out there is risky and scary. You open yourself up to criticism and judgment. You also open yourself up to failure.

I think part of it is that I’ve just now started rebuilding my self-esteem and I’m not sure I could handle the blow or the stress. Part of me really wants to go through with it. I have learned how to make and market eBooks, hell, I even know where to go so that I could have it made in a soft cover. But I’m scared that it will be a failure, but oddly, I’m afraid of it being successful just as equally.

How do I handle that? I know that success shouldn’t be a scary as failing but it is. I know some of the people around me would be very happy at my success, but just as many will be upset by it. And then there is the, why did I not do this sooner? And of course if the first venture is successful…can I duplicate it.

So many thoughts and ideas on it, but none of it matters unless I actually sit down and start writing. I need to get into the world that I want to create and start creating it…the sights, smells, and feel of the place. I need to lose myself there and write it. I like being very visual and textural in my writing. I love taking myself and people to the scene. But I also know that I’m very much an amateur writer. Even though I have taken plenty of writing courses and have had numerous compliments on my writing. It’s still not at a high level. Not where I would like it to be. And well, I can’t write dialog worth shit. And I fear that for now, so much of my work is one dimensional because of it. Well, I guess the only way for me to develop it, is to just start doing it.

Okay, can ya tell I’m stalling yet??

You're Not Doing It Right

2010-01-28T09:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, so today is a day like most any other day…I’m playing some facebook games, walking on the glider, messing with the kiddo, and chatting on facebook and twitter. Well, one of my twitter friends said that someone when off on one of her posts. Being the curious one that I am, I slipped on over to see what was what.

Well, I read what was said, and shesh *smacks self on the forehead*, it was one of those, if your life doesn’t look like mine you are doing it wrong posts. It went on to say just how hard this lifestyle is and how much more difficult than a vanilla one. It also went on to say just how difficult the lifestyle is when one has kids…darn near impossible you would believe from her post.

There are times when one is ill and cant do the things that they normally do and thus they feel guilt…and as we are so service oriented that guilt runs over from time to time. Having kids, not a lot different either, just make sure there are good locks on the doors. And well, as for being harder, overall I would say it’s not…it has it’s good parts and it’s bad. But neither is easy, it’s a relationship and they take work.

No relationship is set up the same, even if the basic principle maybe the same. There are some slaves that could do tons of things I never would be allowed to do or say. But, that’s how their relationship is..and if it works for them, that’s wonderful. There are some relationships where everything is micromanaged, personally, that would drive me crazy; but if it works for them, that’s wonderful. It comes down to personal relationships and the development between the people in it.

Now, I won’t say that if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say it at all, but I will say that if you don’t have something constructive to say…keep your mouth shut!

Victory!!

2010-01-27T12:39:00.000-08:00

YEAH!! I did it!! *PARTY* yep, that’s right, I accomplished my goal and I walked 10 miles today. YES!! I am so proud of myself. To think, it was just at the beginning of this month that it was so difficult to just walk one mile and here I am 26 days later, and I walked 10 miles. At a pretty good clip too. Okay well, it is true that today I did all my miles on the gazelle glider and it took me just under 90 minutes.

For now, I’m going to keep at the 10 mile distance but I want to decrease the amount of time that it takes me to do it. I want to spend at least a week with the goal of just staying under 90 mins. After a week, I want to see what a reasonable time to decrease to as a goal. I want to continue to push myself until I reach my goals, but I want them to be attainable for my fitness level.

I’m going to start weighing myself on the first of February and then again on the first of March. Hopefully, I’ll see a large decrease in the total. I’m going to try and NOT get obsessive about the weighing part, as I have a tendency to do just that. However, I really want to stay on track.

This is probably the most stable emotionally that I have been in a long time, and I’m enjoying it. For now, I can see me hanging on to that stability at the very least long enough to start seeing a difference in myself. And, long enough that depression is not going to side swipe me. This past year I have been suffering from depression. Not that I knew that that’s exactly what it was. And at first it was scaring the crap out of me. Suddenly, I was unable to control my emotions or my reactions to things. I felt unstable and that just made things worse on all fronts. My relationships suffered; I suffered. It’s a year I hope to never repeat again.

But knowledge is power, and I have an understanding of what was going on. It did get to the point that I went to a doctor to find out what was wrong with me, and I have been put on medication for it. But, even the meds are not a quick fix; there is still a great deal of work that needs to be done, as well as time.

There is a lot of work to be done, and thankfully I have been given the time and the space to do it in. I’m growing and learning every day. Some days are always easier than others, but I do know one thing…that for every day for the last 26 days I have had ONE victory. I WALKED! And today, I walked 10 miles, and that my friends is a WONDERFUL feeling.

Free and Yet Not

2010-01-26T15:27:00.000-08:00

This life is a funny thing. Even now, I know that I’m only unowned because my Master has said that I can be; however, it would only take Him showing up…telling me that this little stint is over and it’s time to come home for me to do exactly that. Some things there is no freedom from and for me this is one. No matter where my life takes me or how things change some things are eternal. This freedom that I have been granted now is only at His choosing…whether He knows that or not…or whether He exercises His choice on telling me to end this nonsense.

Although, what is happening now and what happened before was and is far from nonsense, my heart and soul still call to Him. Wanting, needing and pleading for the life that I crave and see with every ounce of my being. Did I want to be released…no; unfortunately at this time I needed to be. And fortunately, I had a Master who understood this.

I am doing well, and I’m thankful for this time that I’m being given, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t wish that things were different. I do. There are days when I wish He would come in the door, walk up to me, put His hand around the back of my neck with His thumb over my jugular, and tell me that enough is enough. That He would take me into the bedroom and spank me, beat me until tears are following…until all the pent up emotions and hurts are eased in that cathartic and bonding moments. To fall into Him, as He wipes the hurt and tears away, and then to laugh and play once again, that’s something that is still just in my dreams. But it doesn’t end the longing to be His, to be complete, to be pleasing, to be of use *not be used…BIG difference*.

It’s kind of scary to know that I have given someone power over me like that, but I did, and I have. To know that all it would take is one simple action or word, and things would be back to the way they were. Hopefully, things will never be like they were, but better with us both having a better understanding of each other, a stronger friendship, a deeper foundation…and much much better communication.

I know one day everything will come back together, and I know that right now is not that time. Even if my fantasies might be telling me different, this is the time for me to find my feet. It may seem odd that the best thing that He could do for me was let me go…but in reality, that may have been exactly what I needed.

I have been granted this time to work upon myself…to better myself. To build myself a strong foundation that in the end I know will benefit Him. Right now, I can’t/couldn’t handle the pressure of being His. Constantly feeling as though I was failing at every turn, when in truth, I was only failing myself. But I was getting myself in such a state that it was detrimental to me and to my value as His slave.

I have been working hard upon myself. Utilizing this time as best as I can so that this time is as productive as possible and so that I can get back to where I know I belong. I have been exercising like a madwoman, but I started slowly have built my way up. Today, I actually walked 8 miles, yes, that’s right eight miles. I am hoping to walk 10 miles tomorrow and stay with 10 for awhile.

Things are looking up. I’m starting new projects; projects that will ultimately blend well for when things do get back on track. There are still some things that I want to learn how to make. And there are some other situations that I have to work through still. It’s still not a walk in the park, but every day brings me closer to having things together; myself together. I am getting stronger every day, and that can only be a good thing.

I Am Flexible and Flowing

2010-01-25T13:31:00.000-08:00

I Am Flexible and Flowing~I am open to the new and changing. Every moment presents a wonderful new opportunity to become more of who I am. I flow with Life easily and effortlessly. Louis L. Hay.

It’s just amazing how life changes and with such force as well. One of the great things about me is that I’m really a go with the flow person. And I bend to my surroundings, most of the time, rather well. Right now, I find the ebb and flow of my life to just be amazing. I’m swept up in the strong current of life and it’s thrilling. It’s some ride, and I can’t tell you how happy I am to be on it.

It’s good to think of life as a river and just how important it is to always forge ahead. Fighting the current of life is something that’s just…well, frustrating. Life is an amazing force and it wants to do powerful things with your life. At times, if you listen, I would bet that it’s screaming at you with how much it wants to give to you. You have only to reach out and take it.

When you are willing to let go and see where life will take you, and have the courage to take the things that it brings you; you will be amazed at the changes in your life. There is such a freedom in the current of life, it’s exhilarating and intoxicating, more so than any drug or high. There is a passion there and untapped potential just waiting for the moment you are ready to flow with it and utilize all the opportunities which are in front of you.

Putting It All Together

2010-01-24T16:54:00.000-08:00

I am just SOOOO excited. Things just seem to be falling into place for me at an almost alarming rate. Everywhere I look there’s opportunity and I’m growing by leaps and bounds.

Today I walked 5 miles; yep, that’s right folks…I walked 5 miles!!!!! Even with that lovely monthly visitor showing up this morning and making me feel like shit. Ah, lovely, it’s the week when I hate being a girl. And of course, last night was a tad emotional for me so I should have seen it coming…damn emotions blindside me every month. However, on the Brightside, it wasn’t as bad as previous months so that’s good. Although, I have found that I tend to be just a tad blunt then when I should probably taper my words.

I also cleaned my kitchen today…not just clean but rearrange everything. I have more counter space now and it looks great. I’m very happy with how it turned out. Now, if I could just keep my dining table cleaned off, I would be set. I am such a clutterbug.

Well, we had the great hamster escape part three at the house this weekend and alas, while we found one alive and well, the other was not so lucky. The oldest took it well though, even though it was his hamster…however, he didn’t quite like when his younger brother left the backdoor open and his cat got out. The “why is it always my animals” statement came out more than once, and I got to say, it just seems to work that way. Fortunately, the cat came home…hopefully not pregnant. I think we have dodged the bullet on that one as she was in heat last week and not this week.

Tonight, I think I have found a wholesaler for one of the things that I need to start making a project. I’m excited about it; it’s something that I have been running through my head but just hadn’t looked into enough to bring it up to anyone. Now, well there’s no one to bring it to but myself and only myself holding me back. Well, I hold myself back no longer. So sometime after the first I’m going to order the pieces I need and look for something cool to be posted on the side of the blog. Yep, it’s something for me to make and sell. Hopefully, it will bring some money in, if not, well at least it will keep me busy, and that’s always a good thing. I have a couple other opportunities which maybe ahead for both me and this blog. I am really excited to see what the future holds for me.

My Thoughts are Creative

2010-01-24T12:10:00.000-08:00

My Thoughts are Creative~I say “Out” to every negative thought that comes to my mind. No person, place, or thing has any power over me, for I am the only thinker in my mind.

I create my own reality and everyone in it. ~Louise L. Hay

I think this is an ideal statement…something to strive for, but very hard to actually achieve. Truth is we are influenced by the people around us…luckily most of the time we CAN choose the people we are around. No sometimes you can choose a co-worker, but you can choose the influence that you allow them to have over you. The greater the person in our lives is, the more influence they have…this is important to keep in mind that we still choose to have these people to influence us, even if we don’t want to admit it to ourselves. If someone is causing you pain or hurt, it is you who is allowing them to do so. You are allowing them to have that influence, and it’s only you that has the power to change the influence they have.

I think that’s why it’s so important to have people around you that are good influences, people who would rather raise you up than put you down. People who bring out those positive feelings and emotions are prized influences to have around, never underestimate the power having a positive outlook has on you and on others. Be a blessing in someone’s life so that they may be a blessing in yours.

Generally, I’m a very happy and cheerful person, in the times that I’m not..i am struggling deeply. It’s not always possible to be cheery and upbeat and sometimes even the cheerful ones need that helping hand. Are the influences ones that will give you that helping hand, or just the cold shoulder? We choose our influences. Just as we choose those around us. Raise your influence level…so that you can attract and keep people who will be that positive influence in your life as you can be one in theirs.

I Now Go Beyond Other People’s Fears and Limitations

2010-01-23T12:07:00.000-08:00

I Now Go Beyond Other People’s Fears and Limitations~It is “MY” mind that creates my experiences. I am unlimited in my own ability to create the good in my Life.~Louise L. Hay

It’s quite true that we make our own happiness, by determining the people we choose to interact with and how we choose to look at the world everyday. Freeing yourself from fear is not easy and sometimes it’s even painful. Many stay in bad situations not because they don’t know that they are harmful, but simply because they are afraid of either being alone or accept failure. Sometimes it’s letting go of that fear that frees your world.

Sometimes others will try to hold you back with their own fears of failure and being alone or the fear that you may be taking something away from them. Fear is an amazing motivator for both good and bad. Sometimes we hold on to the present when it’s long gone into the past, and sometimes we hold on to the past to the determent of the present.

Letting go of the fears that others have and the limitations that they may try to put upon you is not easy. Standing up for yourself and forging ahead to create the reality that you want can be intimidating for others to watch or accept. Stays strong, focused, and persevere though the onslaught and ultimately you will create the happiness in your life.

What Makes Me ME!

2010-01-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

I think it’s my power to love that is what makes me who I am. I have a tremendous heart and care for and about most everyone. I am extremely compassionate as well as loving. I am a huggle snuggle people person. I put up very few boundaries between me and the outside world. I think it’s my greatest gift as well as my greatest drawback.

I want to help just about everyone…and wow, has that lead to more problems in my life than I want to even begin to explain. I want to help even when I know the outcome won’t be good. I can’t tell you how many times I have regretted the fact that I actually tried to help someone and I wish I could say that it happened less than the times that I was so proud to have helped someone but I can’t. More often than not my generous nature has bit me in the ass.

But there are the shining moments when I’m so glad that I was able to touch someone’s life. Some of them happened in direct ways and I knew what I was doing at the time. Taking someone into my home and heart until such time as they were ready to leave, helping a friend out of an abusive situation, those are the moments that shine in my memory. Being the friend that moved halfway across the country..just so the other friend wouldn’t be alone *and I could*.

Some of these people have touched my life in ways that they will never know the true depth of, and some I wish I still had in my life now. I have always had people coming in and out of my life, some fill my heart with joy while other heartbreak. But no matter how many times my heart gets broken…I can’t stop it from reaching out to others. It’s what makes me me.

Even though, it hurts to have it broken, and I’ve had it broken by everyone that’s ever been important to me. It heals and my heart does love again. I can’t close it off, to do so would deny who I am and what makes me me. Just as my submissive nature is who I am; so is my need and power to love. To accept people into my life and into my heart…wholeheartedly…completely and lovingly…that is one of the greatest gifts I possess.

I Claim My Own Power, and I Lovingly Create My Own Reality

2010-01-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

I Claim My Own Power, and I Lovingly Create My Own Reality~I ask for more understanding so that I may knowingly and lovingly shape my world and my experiences.

You can create your own reality by the way that you choose to look at things. Generally I tend to look for the bright side of things, and find the beauty and joy in the small moments in life. Does that mean that I don’t live in reality…ahh NO, although sometimes I wish I could live in a fantasy world, reality smacks me too often to allow me to do that.

But we can shape the world around us and how we handle things. You can constantly be in crisis mode where everything is a huge deal and must be deal with in an extreme way…or you can be a turtle ignoring everything that doesn’t directly affect you. But in reality, there is a place in the middle that suits most situations just fine.

Dealing with things is a calm and controlled manor is usually the best course of action, even if it’s not always the easiest to do. However, dealing with things in this manor will help bring stability to your world that can be very gratifying. As well as bringing some peace of mind to even the most hectic of circumstances.

You can choose to see the rainbows in your life or you can choose to see the darkness. I choose the rainbows and that every day brings an opportunity for growth and change. Every day brings a new start, new life, new chances, and new rainbows.

What's Your Motivation?

2010-01-21T11:58:00.000-08:00

I had an interesting thing happen to me today. I was basically set up in a reply to something I answered. My first guttural reaction was of course give this person exactly what they wanted so that they could bash me in return. I saw it there; it was only too obvious in its wording. However, I didn’t respond that way. In fact I looked at it for awhile trying to decide just what I was going to do. I didn’t really want to respond to the post negatively or in a way that would just cause conflict. For one, it would be a poor reflection on me as well as someone that’s important to me. One option was just to leave the site and not look bad; but that had its complications as well, and wasn’t really fair to someone else either. I also didn’t want to appear that it was okay to just walk all over me either. But just how was I going to stand up for myself without causing more damage. How to do it without bringing things to a high school level?

Well, I got off the computer for awhile and I started to think about what exactly was the motivation behind the post. Then what is the motivation for me replying to it. Lastly, I thought about what exactly I wanted to get out of replying. Okay so my motivation for replying to the post was easy and really basic human nature; I wanted to stand up when I was called out. Okay so that parts done…now, what did I want to come out of what I had to say. Well, that’s easy…I wanted respect, be able to still be comfortable on the site, and feel good about myself.

I spent a great deal of time thinking about how to say what I wanted without being defensive or attacking anyone. I know that that was the goal of the original poster, and I didn’t want to degrade things to that level. In the end, all I did was defend my original reply. Just a short sentence or two, that not only answered the challenge, but I was able to deflect the trap and walk above it.

Someone gave me some rope hoping that I would hang myself with it; however, I saw the trap and side stepped it. I did this by thinking about what my motivation for responding was, and just what it was I wanted to accomplish. While I would love to say that we should always just walk away, sometimes that’s just not the right answer. Some live in conflict and will love to drag you into it. It’s natural to want to defend ourselves or get out of the situation. But sometimes, it’s better to stay the course and navigate your way through, without having to resort to an actual confrontation.

As satisfying as it may have been to bring things down to a lower level and just give them what they wanted; I am much more proud of myself for taking the time to think about just what was more important to me. Keeping the peace, or see the post after post of ‘who is more right than the other’ in something that there is no real right answer for…well, unless on lives on fantasy island anyway.

So I would suggest to always check just what is your motivation.

Power in the Present

2010-01-21T06:45:00.000-08:00

The Point of Power is Always in the Present Moment~The past is over and done and has no power over me. I can begin to be free in this moment. Today’s thoughts create my future. I am in charge. I now take my own power back. I am safe and I am free.~Louise L. Hay

Okay…first off, WOW. When I read that today I was just floored. Based on my lifestyle choice and what I’m going through recently; this quote just strikes to the heart of matters. One of the things I have been struggling with now is that I wasn’t sure how my past experience in the lifestyle was going to affect my views on starting a new one. But I need to remember that as of this moment; I am in charge of how I form my next relationship. And that not every relationship is set up the same, even if it’s basic principals are similar.

The first time I jumped with complete trust that someone would make sure I landed okay. I was totally new to everything so I couldn’t see the bottom. I just trusted and jumped. Well, that wasn’t the case and it didn’t work. However, I’m not new anymore. I know what the bottom should look like and I know where to shine the light and see things for what they really are.

I don’t need to be afraid of the past anymore. I know where to look. I know how they shouldn’t be and I know how they can be. I’ve seen the good and felt the bad. I have been made stronger for it. My strength is in my present. The past is my foundation…and I can light my way to the future.

It may seem like a contradiction for a submissive to feel empowered…honestly, I don’t know. I am just me. And for right now, I am the one that’s shaping my destiny. There is opportunity and power in the present and I cant let the past hold me back, or make me afraid of walking through some doors which maybe a tad frightening right now.

The present is mine to make the most of and there is nothing I can do about the past. Not a lot I can do about the future either…the only thing I can control is the present. And I plan on not regretting a second of it.

Things Are Just Different Now

2010-01-20T13:27:00.000-08:00

Things are changing; I am changing. Last night, I was working on a project and well, it didn’t go over so well with someone so…some anger resulted. Okay, it was a big blow up. Well, big for me anyway. It’s something that could have had a negative effect, but on the contrary I think it was actually positive in the long run.

I was able to say some things I had wanted to say. Things that were still eating at me, no matter how much I was trying to let go of them; it gave me the opportunity to release them and let most of them go. There are still some things that I will need to work through, and I know that one day that I will.

I still think a play date with one person would probably do a lot in healing both me and Him. Okay, maybe it would just help me more, I don’t really know. But I think it would help me work through some more of the emotions, hurts, and resentments that seem to linger.

I try to remember that this is a period of adjustment not only for me but for some others as well. There is HUGE potential for growth if we can just let it get a sprout within us. My relationships are a tad different now, and that’s something that everyone involved with me is seeing and sometimes feeling. Both good and bad…change is not always easy and sometimes not always welcome either. But, well, things are just different now.

Aislinn's Playground

2010-01-19T16:42:00.001-08:00

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My World Rocks!!!

2010-01-19T13:35:00.000-08:00

My life just amazes me sometimes. The way that things can just suddenly start falling into place after being so difficult for so long is something that’s just awe inspiring from time to time. Things just seem to be falling at my feet. Things that I need just at the right time are as suddenly within my grasp…financially, emotionally, and physically.

Finances well those are never plentiful around here, but I just received a notice that a bill is going to be decreased…yep, that’s right…a decrease. Jump for joy and scream to the masses, I can’t even begin to say what a relief that is.

As for emotionally, I’m surrounded by friends both real-time and online that have been nothing but amazingly supportive to me. My online friend have been a fount of laughter and strength…something that is just as real as any face to face…and available with others are sleeping *winks*. My real-time friends…have been a source of encouragement and have opened doors to show me the life that I truly want and need. Without them, I would be on the wrong path now, thinking that this lifestyle really wasn’t for me. Thank you for showing me that it was what I thought it could be…lol…now I just have to get there.

Physically, well, today is day 18 of walking everyday and I’m up to walking 3 miles a day. Although, I don’t see a difference on the scale, I feel the difference in my body and mind. My walks seem to bluster my strength and resolve. Also, it can only be better for my health. At first it was a major challenge just to do that first mile, and now…it’s almost just a warm up.

I’m so proud of the changes that I have made in the last 19days…it’s such a short time for such major changes in my life. But everyday feels brighter than the one before, and I feel like I’m finally on track.

It's Only A Thought, And A Thought Can Be Changed

2010-01-19T06:12:00.000-08:00

It’s only a thought, and a thought can be changed.~I am not limited by any past thinking. I choose my thoughts with care. I constantly have new insights and new ways of looking at my world. I am willing to change and grow.~Louise L Hay

I’m having troubles with my thoughts today…and last night. I actually had my first anxiety attack in over 2 weeks. My thoughts just wouldn’t let go of the past, but then again…it was the fact that I need to confront the past…to forgive and move forward with my life that’s the problem. To confront it means that to a certain point I need to relive it and well that scares me. But it’s something that I really feel I need to speak and say in person, to truly own those emotions and feelings and then let them go.

Although I try to be joyful and accepting of life most of the time, I do have trouble doing it some days. Today, I think it’s about taking care of unfinished business. Closing a dark chapter in my life and moving on from it. Moving on, is not always easy and there will be set backs…today is just one of those difficult days. And it’s important to change my thinking today. Instead of facing this with fear, I need to turn it into thoughts of opportunity and growth. Confrontation and closing doors is not always a bad thing. Opportunities abound when one changes direction…both in thought and in deed.

How Could This Happen

2010-01-18T15:58:00.000-08:00

How Could This Happen?

I look down my quiet street. The trees line the lane on either side and overhang the street. It snowed 5 inches last night, the street looks like a postcard. Looking at my street, life seems so idyllic violence could never happen here. How many other women are looking out their window thinking the same thing? I still don’t know how this happened to me. Everything is just the way it is suppose to be. Two kids, a lovely three bedroom home and the good side of town what could be better. I should have nothing to worry about. But here I stand looking out the window, every breath I take brings nothing but pain, and I can barely see out of my right eye. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have to change, but I don’t know what to do. What happened last night can never happen again. Carl’s in jail and I don’t think I can handle the questions the kids are going to ask about their father. Thankfully, Aunt Sally is here to help with the kids. They are in the kitchen now making cookies. Maybe they will be distracted enough that they won’t ask about Carl until tomorrow. What do I do?

Carl has always handled everything. The electric bill, credit cards, and mortgage all of it was handle by him. I haven’t had a job since I got pregnant with Wendy. She’s ten now. Do I even have the job skills to support us? I don’t even know how much our mortgage is. This is all so overwhelming. I can’t seem to stop crying. I have to get it together. Wendy, John, and Ashley are counting on me.

Sally says that talking about it well help heal the pain. But how do I tell her that I’m not the niece she thought I was. I have failed so much. The betrayals, hidden bruises, and humiliations that have been occurring over the years, who knows how long this would have continued if Carl hadn’t gone over the edge last night.

Last night, how could a night that started out so well end so badly? A simple family Christmas party with a few friends and family. It was a get together to not only celebrate the holidays but Carl’s promotion at work. The children were dressed in their holiday finery. The smells of turkey and ham coming from the kitchen filled the air. Laughter and excitement abounded in the atmosphere. Carl had been drinking, but then everyone had been drinking. It was a night for celebration. Dinner went well and there was plenty of food for everyone. It was late when everyone left and that is when Carl began. Just after the door close behind Sally, Carl grabbed the back of my hair and threw me to the floor. It felt as though he had ripped out all of my hair. Grabbing the back of my neck, Carl shoved my nose in a small spot of cheese that had fallen on the floor. How could I let the cheese get ground into the carpet, he yells at me. I try to reason with him. It’s a party how could I prevent spills from happening? I tell him that he is being unreasonable. Unfortunately, this only makes him angrier. I run upstairs to get away from him, but he catches me before I make it into the bedroom and throws me back down the stairs. His rage is everywhere. It has contorted his features until he looks like a monster. I don’t recognize this person in front of me. He is a monster and not the person I married. I clutch my side; I must have hurt it in the fall, and beg him to stop. That I will get it cleaned up. I can hire a carpet cleaner in the morning. He screams at me about the added expense of the carpet cleaning and back hands me into the Christmas tree. The tree and I both fall to the ground just as Sally walks back into the door.

Sally doesn’t waste a moment and takes her cell phone out and calls 911. Within minutes police and an ambulance are at our door, and I am being placed on the stretcher to be taken to the hospital. Thankfully, the kids have slept through the whole thing. Sally has told the police what she witnessed when she walked into the door, and they have placed Carl under arrest. I’m not sure if it is anxiety or relief I feel as I see him being taken away in the police cruiser. Sally stays with the children while I receive medical attention in the emergency room. With a couple of cracked ribs and various bruises, I return home a few hours later.

And now, I stand looking out the window contemplating the future for my children and I. Will we have to move? Sally says that there is no point in thinking about these things now, but how can I help it? Tomorrow is Monday and I need to get in touch with our lawyer, but is he my lawyer or Carl’s? If I go through with a divorce, how do I keep us safe? The questions never seem to stop rolling through my mind.

How I wish I could be on the outside looking in. Seeing the lovely home, on the perfect street with fresh snow to hide the dirt underneath, everything looks fresh and clean. It hides the turmoil that is inside. From the outside, our home looks warm and inviting. Just outside you could hear the ringing of children’s laughter. A soft glow comes out of the windows illuminating the front porch. The swing on the porch slowly rocks back and forth with the wind. Small snow flurries cascade off of the roof and land in a pile at the base of the house. It’s so peaceful and comforting. If I stand here long enough maybe I can immerse myself in that feeling. Maybe I can believe that the inside of this house can really be that safe place from the storm. Can there be a sliver of light on the horizon for my family?

Sally says she will stay here as long as we need her too. I think that she just wants to make sure that I don’t let Carl back into our home. I know she means well, but how can I support the children and I? Sally doesn’t have a family to think about. Children who need to be taken care of and Carl is a good father. Maybe, Carl will get the help he needs this time. What if a judge gave the children to Carl? What would I do then? It is all just too much to think about. The answers seem so easy when it’s not you with the problem. It’s easy when you aren’t the one having to decide the future for your children. I know that what Carl did was wrong. But does that mean that I shouldn’t give him a chance to change. Do I have to put my children through the battle of divorce?

The questions and thoughts are overwhelming. I don’t know what the right course is now. Maybe it’s just too much to process. I think I’ll go lay down and maybe things will be clearer when I am rested.